Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Thread 2 ow/emotional affair/pregnant

324 replies

Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 14:20

Hi @Bunnyfuller I'm a way I could almost forgive a physical affair more? If it has just been emotional (for the moment) then that just shows the pull she has on him.

I always wanted two children. So did my H at some point when he was happy. I know this new addition isn't going to fix anything. I think part of me just thought well maybe he's going along with it because he does want me. But I'm thinking now it's more because I went on and on about wanting another. Which explains that message I found saying to her that there are things going on that mean trouble for him.

Do I want to call her? Yes. Because I know if I tell her I'm pregnant it will hurt her and she will go. I'm stopping myself though because what I've learnt is I have forced my hand too much in this situation. He needs to make these steps not me. He obviously cares very much about losing her. It's almost like he's protecting her more

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 17:06

@AgentJohnson she's a grown woman I'm sure she's aware married couples unhappy or not still have sex. I haven't been happy and I've still been having sex with him

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 17:09

Not that people need toor want to know but not recently, I was just saying it's still possible for u happy relationships to still have sex

OP posts:
CrazyPineapple · 06/05/2020 17:28

So if he ended things with her, then, inevitably, a while later took up with someone else, what would you do? Why don't you accept it's him and not her? Or do you genuinely suspect if she was out of the picture, everything would be rosy?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 17:34

@CrazyPineapple no I think we'd still have our issues. The thing is this has been going on for close to three years and in my mind the fact we are having another baby I thought would be some sort of reason to think oh hang on maybe I do need to focus on my family and get rid of the woman I've been having an emotional affair with. But obviously I've been wrong

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 06/05/2020 17:41

You want her out if your life op? But do you want her or your dh to make that decision? If it was me I'd want my dh to make the decision to remove her from your lives. If you force the hand and tell her and she goes, you'll forever wonder 'what if'

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 17:45

Hi @copycopypaste yes exactly. Of course I want her gone. I hate that EVEN IF they aren't speaking right now, she's still in his life. You're right it has to be him that does it and he seems to be wanting to keep the doors open

OP posts:
CrazyPineapple · 06/05/2020 17:52

My heart hurts for what you are going through, and also being pregnant... this should be a calm, happy time for you and it seems filled with turmoil. If I knew him I'd slap him into the next lockdown. Not that that helps you at all... but he really should be utterly ashamed of his behaviour and attitude. I hate the thought of you and your feelings being dangled like this, it seems like he's a puppeteer to some awful show, but this is real life... Flowers

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 17:55

Thanks @CrazyPineapple i did come on here originally in the hope that people would say oh he doesn't care about her at all etc but I couldn't be more great for getting the truth from people

OP posts:
Bunnyfuller · 06/05/2020 18:00

@Cupcakesaregood of course he is still speaking to her! It will just be via some other means! He’s gone deeper underground is all.

You do come across as a little controlling and assuming not only he has ended it because you told him to, and thinking he is being truthful - well, you STILL don’t get it.

He is (present tense) having an affair. You seriously want to stay with someone that is obviously cheating, and will continue to do so. Your marriage is more than ‘shaky’. You seem more bothered about getting ‘her’ out of the way than accepting things have gone beyond fixing.

If she leaves her husband yours will be gone like a shot.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 18:03

@Bunnyfuller giving him the benefit of the doubt for a second, what if he has stopped speaking to her since we found out (about three months ago) does that change your stance on anything?

OP posts:
LouHotel · 06/05/2020 18:03

I’ve been following your threads OP and it just comes across that you are a spectator in your own life - eventually if you standstill Long enough the world moves on without you.

This no way to live, you can’t wish your DH to be a good man, he’s made the decision not to be faithful and to not make amends. Contacting the women may indeed scare her off but you still left living with a cheater who will inevitably hurt you again.

Please take control of your life, you don’t have to settle for this.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 18:04

Hi @LouHotel I know. Thank you. I'm not going to contact her despite me wanting to

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 06/05/2020 18:07

You want him to want her gone and for him to to make that happen.

But:

  • You know that he doesn't want her gone or he would have made decisive choices to do so.
  • You know that is the case because he has repeatedly shown that and even now doesn't have a reason for following her on a twitter account set up solely to do so.

So you cannot have what you want.

This leaves you at a stalemate - you have three possible outcomes as I see it:

  1. You break up because his behaviour is making you so unhappy and you know that what you want (for him to want to sever all ties) isn't possible because he doesn't want to. You will have to do this yourself rather than waiting for him as he is too cowardly.
  1. You stay together and live a life where you are constantly anxious and know full well he doesn't really want to be all in with you and will almost certainly contact her / follow her again.
  1. You stay together and know that he is likely speaking to her and maybe more, but make your peace with it and don't let it remain such a toxic thing.

Number 3 is impossible IMO.

Number 2 is unfortunately the most likely

Number 1 is what you should do for your sake and your children's sake

ThanksThanksThanks

AgentJohnson · 06/05/2020 18:13

actually, he hasn't sold her that.

she's a grown woman I'm sure she's aware married couples unhappy or not still have sex.

Er, you seem unnervingly confident of his transparency with the OW 😣.

Your pregnancy hasn’t focussed him yet, he wants and still is, having his cake and eating it.

As I said before, this is the pick me dance at its most humiliating.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 18:14

Hi @BackseatCookers i know I'm not going to get what I want. If anyone is going to answer me this honestly I know it will be you so here goes. I'm being quiet on twitter at the moment I haven't mentioned it again since conversation with H when I told him I knew.

But say we give him the benefit of the doubt a second and believe him when he says he hasn't contacted her since we found out about the pregnancy (almost three months) is he being quiet with her because he's:

  1. done with her (I don't think it's this)

  2. making a go of things with me

  3. 'doesn't care' that he has her number (don't think it's this because why else keep number)

  4. he's scared of losing her and knows that at some point he will need to tell her and risk losing her but for now because he's 'not speaking to her', she is still in his life despite the silence

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 18:16

@AgentJohnson he's not having cake and eating it. He's clearly not happy with me and he may or may not be speaking to her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 18:17

@AgentJohnson and I think it's probably what upset me the most with the messages I saw between them. He seemed more himself with her than he ever has been with me. So no I don't think he's sold her anything

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 06/05/2020 18:22
  1. he's scared of not being able to see his kids or being seen as the 'bad guy' by your friends and family so is too cowardly to leave but doesn't want to let her go, has made no indications he will do so and let's be honest in this day and age is still going to be able to get in touch with her whenever he does want to. Therefore is living a sort of purgatory existence waiting for either you to make the decision to leave / her to make the decision to want more from him / her to make the decision to cut him off.

Sorry Thanks

SandyY2K · 06/05/2020 18:24

So you said you thought agreeing to have the 2nd baby was his way of apologising ? If it was he wouldn't have needed you to pressure him into it... and would you not have expected an apology back in 2017?

Sometimes people say sorry and don't mean it. Their actions show otherwise...but in this case he isn't saying sorry or showing he's sorry.

He is risking everything

Cupcakes, I just noticed this ^^ . What do you think he's risking?

giving him the benefit of the doubt for a second, what if he has stopped speaking to her since we found out

I know that this question was addressed to someone else...but let's say he's stopped speaking to her in the last 3 months ... can you say that he's come closer to you in that time? Been more loving? Affectionate? Caring?

The thing is whether or not he's speaking to her, his behaviour towards you doesn't change.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 18:27

Thanks @BackseatCookers she obviously means more to him than I'm really processing atm

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 18:28

@SandyY2K well I thought maybe we were getting better and then I discovered the twitter!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 18:29

Out of interest @SandyY2K and il tag @DBML in on this too, which option would you have picked?

OP posts:
Eugenieonegin · 06/05/2020 18:34

Cup cakes I think you know this isn’t about the other woman. It’s about your relationship, what was your relationship like 6 years ago when he was Happy? I think that’s what you said?Did your husband really want to get married or was it because it was expected.
I mean this kindly, if she wasn’t followed on Twitter I don’t think you and he would be happy. I agree that you need to take control back a bit, that doesn’t mean he will necessarily still be your husband, But surely a lifetime of this isn’t sustainable? You are so miserable and lonely now and it sounds like he is too.

SandyY2K · 06/05/2020 18:34

I think it's number 4 of what you listed CC.

I mean after he sent her the message saying things are going to get difficult at home or whatever....she would have pressed for more information or she would have guessed.

Do you think he sent that message and she just said nothing and didn't ask what he meant?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 06/05/2020 18:36

Hi @Eugenieonegin yes we were happy, do I think he really wanted to get married? I think he was happy without the marriage, I think maybe it changed things for him, I don't know

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread