Thread 2 ow/emotional affair/pregnant

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi @Bunnyfuller I'm a way I could almost forgive a physical affair more? If it has just been emotional (for the moment) then that just shows the pull she has on him.

I always wanted two children. So did my H at some point when he was happy. I know this new addition isn't going to fix anything. I think part of me just thought well maybe he's going along with it because he does want me. But I'm thinking now it's more because I went on and on about wanting another. Which explains that message I found saying to her that there are things going on that mean trouble for him.

Do I want to call her? Yes. Because I know if I tell her I'm pregnant it will hurt her and she will go. I'm stopping myself though because what I've learnt is I have forced my hand too much in this situation. He needs to make these steps not me. He obviously cares very much about losing her. It's almost like he's protecting her more

Everything depends on what you are able to emotionally tolerate.

For me; no, this would mean he isn’t in. I would need complete deletion everywhere. Numbers gone, twitters gone etc. Maybe he knows her number off by heart but it’s the gesture. I would also probably leave it a month and then have a sneaky check every month or so on his phone to see if he is really adhering to it (but not let him know so he doesn’t feel controlled).

In an ideal world he would sent her a message explaining their communication has been inappropriate and needs to end as he loves his family and wife; but whether or not that’s appropriate depends on their last exchange and communication history. And he seems unlikely to do that.

But you’ll get more answers if you speak to her

My h has this thing that he's always had that he completely shuts down emotionally

Does he suffer from depression?

The thing about contacting the OW, is that you could end up feeling so much worse than you already do and I just worry especially as you're pregnant.

Obviously all OWs are different, but from OW forums, they will revert you to your husband.

Or tell you you're making his life a misery or horrible things like he has to think of her (OW) when he's having sex with you.

A lot of BWs have really regretted contacting the OW...but some have for more truth out of the OW, than they did from their H.

At the end of the day, it's entirely your decision whether or not you contact her.

If you do, prepare what you have to say or ask in advance.

Think about why you want to contact her. Is to ask questions? Is it to inform her that you're pregnant? Is it to tell her to end the relationship with your H?

On the last question, she could simply say your H is quite capable of ending the relationship if he wants to.

If you contact her and let her know you're pregnant, then she contacts him... he'll probably just be so angry that you've done it and ignore you for even more days.

You need to stop giving him and her the power to determine the future of your marriage.

his parents went through a terrible divorce, he had to have therapy.

well, maybe that is your answer, then. maybe he does not under any circumstances put his kid(s) through the divorce hell he had to endure. and so he tries to toughen it out.
but he still can't emotionally let go of this woman. so the 'compromise' in his head is: I need to feel connected to her (or talk to her, whatever) but I won't leave my family.

Sorry @crispysausagerolls I know it seems like I'm dependent on you for answers..you know that message that she sent him saying if you have another baby I won't stick around (I can't remember the exact words but that was the jist) do you think he created that twitter page as if to say I know you probably don't want to hear from me but I need some sort of connection to you I mean IF she actually knows. So rather than get rid of these connections he actually made a new one? Sorry again I'm thinking out loud but this has literally just come to me

Cupcakes... a cheating spouse who wants to reconcile following an affair, should willingly take the following steps. If they are not willing to, they do not want true reconciliation and probably have no idea of the hurt they have caused by their betrayal.

The steps a WS must take for a reconciliation.

Not all of them are required in every situation but, you get the idea:

1. S/He must be totally honest with you about everything
2. S/He must answer every question that you ask truthfully and fully.
3. S/He must do everything in his power to prove to you that you are the one that he wants to be with.
4. S/He must prove his love to you...he must be patient, gentle, compassionate and understanding.
5. S/He must feel your pain.
6. S/He must fully understand the devastation that he caused you.
7. S/He must accept full responsibility for his actions.
8. S/He must stop all contact with OP and not try to protect them.
9. S/He must reassure you that it is OK to ask questions.

10. S/He must reassure you that you will not drive him away by doing the things that are necessary to heal. 11. S/He must recognize when your struggling or experiencing a trigger and comfort you. 12. S/He must be able to tell you how sorry he is and show you. 13. S/He must re-enforce to you, that you are not responsible. 14. S/He must put his own feelings of guilt and shame aside and help you heal first. 15. S/He must reconnect emotionally, mentally, and physically with you and stay connected. 16. S/He must work on rebuilding trust. No secrets. No privacy. 17. S/He must be willing to seek counseling. 18. S/He must learn what is and is not acceptable when communicating with the opposite sex...he must establish boundaries and not cross them.

Yes @SandyY2K this is what I'm scared of. Not necessarily of what I'm going to hear because tbh I don't think it could get much worse but at the end of the day I am pregnant and need to keep my stress down..I think that's why I'm trying to explore all these what ifs. I just asked @crispysausagerolls a potentially inane q but it just came into my head, you two dare quite the powerhouse with advice so would love your take on it. I honestly can't thank you enough

Yes @deepwatersolo I truely think that is why he is still here. When we have argued in the past he has said to me 'I won't put our son through what I went through I won't have him come from a broken home so if I have to put my happiness to the side so be it'

Thank you @SandyY2K I just copied and pasted this into my notes on phone :)

Please don’t apologise - I am rooting for you and really want to help. I don’t have all the answers but I can empathise fully with your position and trying to see a way for you to be alright and find a way to juggle to babies and this situation, whilst feeling ok! Not sure if it’s possible but let’s explore and hope for the best.

What’s the question?

Re the Twitter - I honestly don’t know. Did he just want to watch her/keep the door open? Or is he saying “I’m here now”. I really am not sure. He is not providing you with answers whatsoever - that’s why I would personally ask her. See if you get anywhere that way. Worth a try.

I think a large issue here is whether he genuinely does not see what he has done as cheating (was it an ego boost gone too far?), or if he does know it was really cheating and is refusing to admit it

I agree with @crispysausagerolls in that you should contact her. I think it's only then you will get the full picture

Presumably she knows you have a child already? In which case her finding out you are pregnant won’t make any difference to her if she is having an affair with your husband.

Him deleting her everywhere won’t change what he’s done already and what he will probably do in the future...with her or someone else.

Personally I couldn’t carry on as if nothing had happened because the damage would have already been done. A lifetime of wondering, checking up on him and waiting for him to do it again.

Being a single mum isn’t easy but it’s a damn site better than that kind of life.

Thanks @Sunshineandflipflops ☀️ i know. There's obviously a reason he's keeping her there

In which case her finding out you are pregnant won’t make any difference to her if she is having an affair with your husband

I can see how it would - as she would have to confront the fact that OP’s husband has committed himself further into his marriage/still having sex with the OP etc

@crispysausagerolls thanks..I think I could take the egoboost excuse if this has been going on for a couple of months, but a couple of years? Yes I think he wants to just keep some sort of Avenue open to her

@crispysausagerolls this is a good point, so do you think that he doesn't want to tell her because he doesn't want any sort of confrontation with her? If that's the case wouldn't it then be easier to let go of her? Sorry again I'm just thinking out loud

@crispysausagerolls and that's why I thought maybe things would be ok as I took him having dc2 as committing himself

I think I could take the egoboost excuse if this has been going on for a couple of months, but a couple of years

These things can happen. Im not saying that’s what it is I am just saying sometimes these things run on and on.

Maybe he doesn’t want a confrontation. Maybe he wants to stay in the fantasy a bit longer where it seems like there’s hope they might be together? It really, really depends on the context of their relationship.

I’m sorry because it’s hard to know how to answer some of this - most of the answers are just me thinking out loud with you! I really cannot say without hearing more. Emotional affairs are tricky (assuming that’s what it is, and so far that’s how it looks). There’s no “hard evidence”. You’ve seen him making some horrible comments about you. But you haven’t seen him declaring his love for her and that he will leave you for her etc. Not has he left you. And he has had another baby.

It’s all a head fuck. In a lot of ways it would be easier to find evidence of a physical affair and allow yourself mental to be able to leave. You are stuck in some sort of limbo and he is not helping you out at fucking all.

It was different circumstances with my ex. Ex was definitely in agreement to have both our kids said he really wanted them. Then when I was pregnant wasn't interested and continues not to be interested to this day.
So no children didn't make it better. It just made it harder for me to leave and when he hurt them (not physically) I hurt more.

Don't be scared of letting go of this relationship it's only causing you all so much pain.
IF this relationship is going to work he really needs to want to put the effort in to make it work and he hasn't. You can't force him either.
That really was the final nail for me.

First thing relate counsellor did was make us fill out an private questionnaire. One of the questions was how do you relate the relationship 0 being I've already mentally left and 10 was the bee's knees.
I chose 1, she said anything 1+ was salvageable if the hard work was put in...

i took him having dc2 as committing himself

And I can see why!

I do think counselling is an absolute must

Is he open to counselling?

@crispysausagerolls the one message I did see to her was him saying 'do you think I don't want to start over and start my life again with you, because I do. My son is the only reason I'm still there'
I think that also was in the back of my mind when wanting dc2. I kept thinking well he definitely won't leave if we have another. I know that sounds sad/bad but it's the truth

OP, you should have kicked him out after that message. You deserve more.

What an awful message for him to send and for you to see.

What was her response to that? What has he said to you about saying that to her?