My 9 year old daughter hits us, punches us, kicks us, screams at us, and i dont know what to do :(

[JuatWantAdvice506]

Hello, seeking some advice. I feel lost.
My 9 year old daughter is amazing at school, as far as we know she gets on with her work and plays well with her friends.
But at home, it's like a whole different child.

She can be amazing and lovely and so funny. But even before lockdown, she had moments of lashing out but since lockdown it's been everyday.
Me and dp have been punched, kicked in the knees, she pulls her fists up at us, she punches me in the head multiple times,
She will hold us down and swing her hands around our necks like a monkey. When we try and get her off us or move her hands away to stop her punching us, she claims we hurt her and that she'll tell school, when we don't.
I just dont know what to do :( i filmed her backlash tonight which resulted in her trying to snatch my phone and try and hide it. I just feel like a useless mum and i broke down crying as she was punching me in the head the other day.
They happen for no reason as far as I see. Afterwards, I sit her down and tell her i love her and ask why she has done this and she said she doesn't know. We've tried to find other solutions like drawing, writing, punching pillows, behaviour charts, but she just always resorts to being violent.
She ripped the behaviour chart off the wall, she's smashed about 3 tablets by throwing them in a temper.

I just dont understand. Her sister is 7 and doesnt behave this way. Me and dp hardly fight and if we did, we'd never be violent to each other. It's getting us both down.
Any tips? And thank you in advance!

We have movie nights together, we go through walk in woods, play board games so i just dont understand why she does this

Have you spoken to her gp about this behaviour or a child psychologist. How big is she that she physically restrains you and your dh.

How long has this been going on? Any triggering event you can think of? What does your doctor say? What other help have you sought?

Would the gp take me seriously if she behaves in school though?
She is a strong 8 year old - i'm quite petite so it's quite easy to pin me down whereas dp doesnt get restained down but more she jumps on him and swings are his neck

Since she was a baby, she's been very hyper as in it was a struggle to get her to take naps, but it's been going for about 3 years but with school it wasnt as noticable as it happened on a rare occassion but we thought since she's lovely in school, maybe it's us?
But it's been everyday this week and we dont know what to do.
You can see it brewing. She starts getting attitudy and if we tell her "no" or she loses in a board game, she gets violent

I hope im making sense

Yes a dr would take this behaviour seriously. Its not your fault and is not acceptable. If you can see it brewing can you walk away to a safe space.. you might get some advice from somewhere like womens aid.

Write it all down. Or take this and go to your gp.

I’d ask for an assessment from GP.

My friend did this.

I have started filming and will be taken notes,
My dp has tried locking himself in the bathroom which leads to her kicking the door really really hard and my 7 year old has sensitive ears which makes her cry,

DP is a bit in denial about it. I've told him this is not normal whereas he believes "all children have tantrums and she doesnt need to see a dr"

Make an urgent appointment with your GP and ask for a referral to a child psychologist. Though I would not wait for this to come though (no idea of wait times...). Can you arrange counselling for her in the meantime? Make sure it is a BACP accredited counsellor with relevant experience in counselling children.

She is being an angel now, she is sitting on the sofa, eating snacks and giggling at a movie she's watching and it's such a contrast to the girl from before

Two things really. Firstly, you need a strategy to cope with a crisis so it can be dealt with calmly and the least damage possible. Secondly, you need long term strategies to unpick why she is feeling this way, is unable to self-regulate and to help her with both things.

For the crisis situations it might be worth looking at Non-Violent Resistance strategies. There is a book you can buy.

To work out what is going for her on you may well need outside support, although it is hard to come by. In the first instance I would phone school and tell them everything. Try to talk to the SENCo if you can. They may offer a place in school to provide some routine and respite for you for now. They may also be able to signpost you to a service offering pastoral support at this time.

What are the consequences for her behaviour? What have you actually set in place happens if she hurts you? Sitting her down and telling her afterwards that she hurt you isn’t a consequence. She needs to pack this in. If one of mine did that to me, the first time the they punched or hurt me it would have been made phenomenally clear that it was never to happen again, if it happened a second time they would have lost everything they valued and had to work it back but by bit. You need to have absolutely zero tolerance about this. If you don’t get on top and stop this now what the heck are you going to be dealing with when hormones kick in?

You are speaking as though you are both being bullied by your 8 year old? Come on - be the parents here and deal with it! Being a parent isn’t always about being nice and chatting in a loving way there are times you need to lay down the law and this is one of them.

... come through, not come though...

Just saw your post. Your partner is in denial. This is serious. You should have spoken to your doctor much sooner. Do it now.

Looks like most people are saying GP, i'll have to show this to DP

I would agree re seeking a psychologist assessment. Have a look at the book The Explosive Child - it may be helpful.

This is not normal. However, if she behaves at school what’s making her do this at home?

That's why i came here for advice, I don't know how to stop this behaviour;
Me and DP probably have a "good cop, bad cop" thing going on,
She smashed one of her tablets, the next day he ordered her one for next day delievery,
I take her tablet off her, he gives it back 2 hours later,

We tell her to go to her room and she point blank refuses and runs around the house slamming doors

What triggers the tantrums?

I wonder if your DD has autism. Girls can hide the traits in public however at home are more prone to frustration and aggressive outbursts.

This is not normal behaviour. See your GP as this needs to stop now.

Children with additional needs can quite often hold it together in school and then it all falls apart at home. Doctors are well aware of this. I would absolutely push for an assessment, sooner rather than later.

She smashed one of her tablets, the next day he ordered her one for next day delievery,
I take her tablet off her, he gives it back 2 hours later,

How much screen time, including TV / Mobile / tablet / laptop does she have per day? That could be causing the issues - my DN became horrible when she had any screentime so we had to ban them altogether.

I think a lot of bad behaviour is worse at home if children are brought up well, brought up to behave.

They hold it together all day while they're out & then lose it completely in the environment they consider safe, as they are secure in the love & support at home.

Sounds very extreme though - most 9yo are not still having violent tantrums. Agree GP could help - likely would be a delay though with anything really helpful because of the lockdown.