My 9 year old daughter hits us, punches us, kicks us, screams at us, and i dont know what to do :(

[JuatWantAdvice506]

Hello, seeking some advice. I feel lost.
My 9 year old daughter is amazing at school, as far as we know she gets on with her work and plays well with her friends.
But at home, it's like a whole different child.

She can be amazing and lovely and so funny. But even before lockdown, she had moments of lashing out but since lockdown it's been everyday.
Me and dp have been punched, kicked in the knees, she pulls her fists up at us, she punches me in the head multiple times,
She will hold us down and swing her hands around our necks like a monkey. When we try and get her off us or move her hands away to stop her punching us, she claims we hurt her and that she'll tell school, when we don't.
I just dont know what to do :( i filmed her backlash tonight which resulted in her trying to snatch my phone and try and hide it. I just feel like a useless mum and i broke down crying as she was punching me in the head the other day.
They happen for no reason as far as I see. Afterwards, I sit her down and tell her i love her and ask why she has done this and she said she doesn't know. We've tried to find other solutions like drawing, writing, punching pillows, behaviour charts, but she just always resorts to being violent.
She ripped the behaviour chart off the wall, she's smashed about 3 tablets by throwing them in a temper.

I just dont understand. Her sister is 7 and doesnt behave this way. Me and dp hardly fight and if we did, we'd never be violent to each other. It's getting us both down.
Any tips? And thank you in advance!

I am glad you are considering the gp. The Explosive Child is a good book.
There are plenty of techniques that are used by parents of children with SEN that are very effective for NT children too. So dont worry about looking at some autism/pda/adhd advice and using the techniques straight away. My youngest has autism and his older non-autistc brother respond well to the things we learned at parenting courses for the youngest.

Shut down that should say not shit down!!!

@OnlyToWin never thought about that! I also shout "right no tablet tomorrow",
I never thought about the fact, she wouldnt be processing it!

She sounds very much like my son. He is also very good at school. He has ASD and has now been referred for ADHD assessment. Girls can present very differently. I'd speak to your school SENCO in the first instance. Good luck

Parent of an autistic child here. I think you should keep on making careful records and go to the gp ASAP. Autistic girls with a "high functioning " profile can mask their difficulties for years in some cases. And it's not uncommon to demonstrate v different behaviour at home and at school.

If your daughter is autistic and that's coming to light now, you may see some benefit from starting to use autism strategies eg sticking to clear routines, giving clear warnings before you change activities etc

Yeah you could be shouting anything - they kind of just go for it when they are in that zone. Whatever you say is a waste of time - we made so many mistakes by getting sucked into the vortex of fury!!

I’d also add the fact she doesn’t do it at school means she can control it

No.it.doesnt! Christ's sake man

I do agree that the wishy washy boundaries won't be helping SEN or not. My kid has ASD and if anything I come down on that shit harder than I would if he was NT. Firm, consistent boundaries are what kids thrive on. No way would I allow the replacement or any tech deliberately smashed.

I would also recommend The Explosive Child!

Look at the symptoms for Autism in girls.

www.verywellhealth.com/signs-of-autism-in-girls-260304

Her anger may be masking frustration.

OP you said she likes the sensory feeling of tickling,does she like to be tickled herself?

I have some experience,I worked with children some were NT,some were on the autistic spectrum,some with ADHD and some with physical disabilities.

I am learning so much tonight!
Has anybody got any tips for the 'manipulation' side of things,
When she says
"I'm going to tell the school you hurt me"
We just say
"Tell the school whatever you want. But think about who is hurting who"
Is this a right or response or not so good?

ADHD it’s clearly some kind of disorder get her help

I’d also add the fact she doesn’t do it at school means she can control it.

And that again lends weight to the fact she’s doing it because she can.

• Why would you say something that is just so demonstrably untrue? This contradicts the advice of several people here with professional experience in child illnesses and psychology. Comments like yours don't help the op in the slightest

She hates being tickled!
She was once trying to tick DP do DP jokingly tickled her back and she was not happy! So he's never done it again

*so

Lots of kids hold it together at school and then lose it at home, so yes, you need a proper assessment, and filming what she does will be helpful too.

I would just ignore her when she makes threats. Give her the most attention when she does something positive.

Some of this I recognise from my autistic 5yo. Suggestions of NVR are good, but you both have to be on the same page. I find 123 Magic to be quite a good discipline strategy because it’s really really simple. Essentially it provides you with a framework for responding to undesired behaviour in an impassive and unemotional way. As a parent you basically don’t get drawn into the drama. I find that really helpful because it stops me shouting/adding my own feelings to the chaos. It’s a simple 3 strikes idea, with a consequence (we do time out) and my child responds reasonably well to it because it’s predictable for him. He does his time out (time gets added for refusal to go/stay) comes back and we carry on. If he comes back and continues the tantrum he gets another 3 warnings and off to time out again. The key to all of this is not getting involved in his drama, and that means both of you. I do think you should seek help though. This is not good for any of you

Taking toys or the iPad or similar off DS triggers his behaviour because it’s part of his routine to have it at a certain time, so using it as a consequence doesn’t work, because he can’t deviate from a routine. So using things she has an expectation of may not work. It just causes more anxiety and triggers an explosion.

We never filmed our DD. It felt like a big invasion of her privacy - especially as when she was kid meltdown she was not really herself. Others might disagree but it just felt wrong to us.

I only started to film tonight as i dont know how else to prove that her tantrums are extreme and not me exaggorating,
I'm not sure if it's the right thing or not,
I'm open to any advice

In some localities you can self refer to CAMHS. In some localties CAMHS screen and assess for neurological conditions such as ADHD and Austism for children your DD's age. In others it is a Community Paediatrician who would screen and assess. It depends on the local arrangements in your area @JuatWantAdvice506 and you will find that out from your GP.
In my CAMHS service parents can self refer, schools can refer, GP can refer, even young people themselves can refer. I'd say your DD would probably be offered an assessment to determine her needs. In my locality NVR is offered within CAMHS for the kinds of challenging behaviour your DD presents with. If I were going to suggest any kind of private intervention I'd say find a qualified NVR pracititioner if you don't want to try the CAMHS route.
There is regional variation in CAMHS within the UK.
Good luck.

So when she makes threats is it better to just not respond?

A lot of you have mentioned NVR - what is this?

I wouldn't film her. It's horribly shaming and will only exacerbate the situation.