My 9 year old daughter hits us, punches us, kicks us, screams at us, and i dont know what to do :(

[JuatWantAdvice506]

Hello, seeking some advice. I feel lost.
My 9 year old daughter is amazing at school, as far as we know she gets on with her work and plays well with her friends.
But at home, it's like a whole different child.

She can be amazing and lovely and so funny. But even before lockdown, she had moments of lashing out but since lockdown it's been everyday.
Me and dp have been punched, kicked in the knees, she pulls her fists up at us, she punches me in the head multiple times,
She will hold us down and swing her hands around our necks like a monkey. When we try and get her off us or move her hands away to stop her punching us, she claims we hurt her and that she'll tell school, when we don't.
I just dont know what to do :( i filmed her backlash tonight which resulted in her trying to snatch my phone and try and hide it. I just feel like a useless mum and i broke down crying as she was punching me in the head the other day.
They happen for no reason as far as I see. Afterwards, I sit her down and tell her i love her and ask why she has done this and she said she doesn't know. We've tried to find other solutions like drawing, writing, punching pillows, behaviour charts, but she just always resorts to being violent.
She ripped the behaviour chart off the wall, she's smashed about 3 tablets by throwing them in a temper.

I just dont understand. Her sister is 7 and doesnt behave this way. Me and dp hardly fight and if we did, we'd never be violent to each other. It's getting us both down.
Any tips? And thank you in advance!

I’ve worked in schools for 25 years and I have a close family member who has an Asberger’s diagnosis. So yes.

As part of the Asperger’s diagnosis, part of the assessment was made on a parental questionnaire. I’m aware that the parents answered as harshly as possible in order to get a diagnosis .

Op, my 7yo son has some similar issues. Regardless of the diagnosis debate (we are not fussed about labels but going through CAMHS due to school refusal) we have found a few things that help.

The key one was doing an ABC analysis. A for ante, what happens before. B -behaviour that results and C- consequences. We found that standard parenting techniques didn’t work at all, but have found new methods that work for ds. Keep a diary of what is happening and look for patterns, and what works/doesn’t.

I was a violent tantrum child, because I didn’t understand the world and social rules. My parents directed me to smash wood in a quiet area when I lost my temper, and we worked on the issues when I was calmer. I have found other coping mechanisms as an adult (mostly). You will get there in the end.

"part of the assessment was made on a parental questionnaire."

When DD2 was assessed, the parental questionnaire was done on computer by the clinician and she talked to us conversationally about DD2's development. She answered the questions from that conversation and we didn't get to know what the actual questions were. So we couldn't 'throw it'. We also had to give examples of things we discussed and our examples could not have been made up, they are too 'odd'. Nobody with an NT child would be able to think of them.

I was in DD2's ADOS, observing, because DD2 wouldn't go without me. When they were asking her questions, I had no idea what the answer would be. Her answers showed her inability to understand people on a fundamental level.

As part of the Asperger’s diagnosis, part of the assessment was made on a parental questionnaire. I’m aware that the parents answered as harshly as possible in order to get a diagnosis(

Professionals tend to be very good at factoring in that type of issue and assessing the accuracy of what is reported to them - it's unlikely to affect the diagnosis.

In the diagnosis of my family member, this wasn’t the case. Misdiagnosis and over diagnosis is a ‘thing’ - there are scholarly articles on it! The parents called this child an ‘idiot’ and I witnessed abusive behaviour by the parents towards the child. Which suggests to me that the parents were more a cause for concern than the child.

I sincerely think that often - we as parents - are often warped and jaded by the world. The children enter our world with beauty, innocence, honesty - and are then made to feel that they need to adapt to the adult world we have created.

WE are the ones that need to cater for our children - not the other way round.

So labelling an inconvenient child as ASD and a cause for concern - is NOT their problem, it’s ours.

I’ve worked in schools for 25 years and I have a close family member who has an Asberger’s diagnosis. So yes

I really hope you dont work in my kids school if you can't even spell Aspergers,, incidentally a word that isn't used anymore. Not to mention your apparent contempt for the diagnostic system and your determination to blame the parents.

We've heard all of this shit before. ASD is a battle when it comes to getting a diagnosis and takes many hours of appointments totalling up to years in a lot (a lot more than you think) of cases.

It is not over diagnosed and whatever issue or bitterness you have going on, doesn't belong on this thread. Maybe it might benefit you to start your own.

Yes - I’m referring to a diagnosis that happened 10 years ago - but has still stuck with this child!!!

And you think that’s ok??? That we now think ‘Aspergers’ is outdated, but a child still has a label.

I don’t think your argument is validated by a typo btw

@Corruptedtongue why are you derailing this thread with your own idea that autism in this country is over-diagnosed because of what happened to your relative.

Someone else - or you using another username - also derailed a different thread about autism not so long ago using the same arguments, that the parents lied, the parents exaggerate the condition, the child in question is being treated for a condition they don't have and it's all wrong blah blah.
That poster also had a bee in their bonnet about "overdiagnosis" being a real problem.
Yet parents of autistic kids find the opposite.

If you want a debate on that, start another thread.

It’s not my own idea!!! Why do you think it is?? The Wikipedia page on Aspergers itself refers to controversy and misdiagnosis.

And I haven’t posted about this before...

Anybody can update Wikipedia.

That poster also had a bee in their bonnet about "overdiagnosis" being a real problem.
Yet parents of autistic kids find the opposite

I want to know why actual parents don't share your views as well OP? I come into contact with a lot of autism. I also see obvious autistic adults who have never been diagnosed. I also see a lot of autistic adults not being diagnosed until their 50s and up. So happy they now can understand why the world has never made any sense.

If anything it's woefully undiagnosed, not understood and still flooded with ignorance.

Because the children what are deemed ‘weird’ - or ‘different’ - or who challenge convention - are the children that will bring society forward.

I watched a documentary about Alex Honnold - who has achieved one of the greatest athletic achievements of modern times, with a possible diagnosis of a personality disorder.

It’s not my own idea

Doesn't matter whose idea it is, the idea that autism is over-diagnosed is off-topic for this thread.

The OP wants support and ideas on what's causing her DD's behaviour, not the derailing discussion you've introduced.

And I would trust a Wiki update far more than anything you state.

No it’s not - there is a consensus here (without any accurate assessment) that there is an ASD/PDA issue without addressing the impact of parental influence and involvement.

Because the children what are deemed ‘weird’ - or ‘different’ - or who challenge convention - are the children that will bring society forward

Was that a question?

Seriously, do your own thread and stop derailing this one because you have deep seated issues on the topic.

No it’s not - there is a consensus here (without any accurate assessment) that there is an ASD/PDA issue without addressing the impact of parental influence and involvement

Because those of us who have extensive experience recognise a lot more than you think. Assessment is to rule something out more than anything else. If there is an issue then it's best to get a handle on it now.

But yes, in the meantime the OP needs to get her bloke on the same page because with a diagnosis or not, the kid needs a different parenting style.

Agreed. Parenting style needs to be addressed first and foremost.