My 9 year old daughter hits us, punches us, kicks us, screams at us, and i dont know what to do :(

[JuatWantAdvice506]

Hello, seeking some advice. I feel lost.
My 9 year old daughter is amazing at school, as far as we know she gets on with her work and plays well with her friends.
But at home, it's like a whole different child.

She can be amazing and lovely and so funny. But even before lockdown, she had moments of lashing out but since lockdown it's been everyday.
Me and dp have been punched, kicked in the knees, she pulls her fists up at us, she punches me in the head multiple times,
She will hold us down and swing her hands around our necks like a monkey. When we try and get her off us or move her hands away to stop her punching us, she claims we hurt her and that she'll tell school, when we don't.
I just dont know what to do :( i filmed her backlash tonight which resulted in her trying to snatch my phone and try and hide it. I just feel like a useless mum and i broke down crying as she was punching me in the head the other day.
They happen for no reason as far as I see. Afterwards, I sit her down and tell her i love her and ask why she has done this and she said she doesn't know. We've tried to find other solutions like drawing, writing, punching pillows, behaviour charts, but she just always resorts to being violent.
She ripped the behaviour chart off the wall, she's smashed about 3 tablets by throwing them in a temper.

I just dont understand. Her sister is 7 and doesnt behave this way. Me and dp hardly fight and if we did, we'd never be violent to each other. It's getting us both down.
Any tips? And thank you in advance!

Professionals can provide OP with advice on appropriate parenting strategies for her individual child given their individual needs and circumstances. It's not a case of one size fits all.

My son has thrived under the ‘strictest teacher in the school’ - not because she was imposing firm boundaries/discipline on him, but because she was imposing it on everyone else.
Mine both thrived under the most flexible and nurturing teachers. They tended to have the best behaved classes anyway.

It concerns me that a lot of children may be diagnosed incorrectly with ASD
It concerns me that a lot of people minimise autism because it doesn't fit their preconceived ideas of what it looks like. There are no advantages to being diagnosed incorrectly. Support is provided based on need, not diagnosis.

part of the assessment was made on a parental questionnaire
Of course it is! How do you expect a child's medical needs to be understood without listening to the parents? But it takes FAR more than that to get a diagnosis. No diagnosis will be made based entirely on the parent's answers. The assessment and diagnosis pathway takes between a few months to a few years.

Anybody can update Wikipedia.

They can, but they need to back it up with references and if it isn’t it is pointed out within the text

My major concern is that parenting style should always be addressed - first and foremost. This has the biggest impact. Whether or not you agree with Supernanny, House of Tiny Terrors etc - the extreme behaviour was addressed by parenting techniques - not by diagnosing the child with a neurological disorder.

My point about the questionnaire is that the parents involved gave the most extreme answers possible to secure the diagnosis. It is an essential part of the assessment, but there is clearly scope for inaccuracy. I’ve also taught a child many years ago that took Ritalin. In school, her behaviour was excellent and she worked hard. However the parents said her behaviour was terrible at home - and wanted to increase her dosage. From my knowledge of the parents, and the interactions I had with them - I would have definitely said their parenting style was inadequate.

@Corruptedtongue Then you'd know that they also observe the child, in our case, away from parents.

It's very hard for a child to fake autism and/or traits.

When DD2 was assessed, the parental questionnaire was done on computer by the clinician and she talked to us conversationally about DD2's development. She answered the questions from that conversation and we didn't get to know what the actual questions were. So we couldn't 'throw it'. We also had to give examples of things we discussed and our examples could not have been made up, they are too 'odd'. Nobody with an NT child would be able to think of them. - Lougle

Same. We were 'interviewed' for three hours. The questions came from their mouths, not via a paper questionnaire.

@Corruptedtongue So labelling an inconvenient child as ASD and a cause for concern

That you think Wiki is a reliable source of info really bothers me! As a pp pointed out, it does need to be backed up with sources, but there are some terrible sources on the internet regarding autism. It is as easy to edit Wiki with incorrect info and source path, as it is the correct info.

For example, I could edit it to say that Autism is curable using something called MMS colonic irrigation (miracle mineral solution - bleach and water), and source it to the Genesis II pages that show lots of "research" into this. All fake, by the way.

Won't make it true, though.

Also, not one of us have said that children with asd aren't capable of achieving great things, or moving forward in society, so not sure why you are throwing that at us!!

Following this as recognising a lot of DS10's behaviour here. OP - like your daughter he is apparently very good at school (although recently has been told off for his behaviour at an after school club). It's like he has no way of stopping himself once he gets worked up and lashes out without thinking of the consequences. He is also a very anxious child.

Wiki is generally not a terrible source. And the articles I’ve linked are not fake. The MMS colonic irrigation sounds utterly ridiculous, and I certainly would not believe something like that.
The child I know who was given an Aspergers diagnosis was presumably given an incorrect diagnosis as Aspergers is now discredited?

@Corruptedtongue Ritalin has a half- life of about 2.5 hours in children. Many children will have their Ritalin in the morning and behave well in school - this is vital, so they can focus in class. But as they come out of school, their Ritalin is wearing off, so the parents deal with their non- medicated or under- medicated behaviour. They have to choose when to give their child that focus and choose school, but you shouldn't think that means their behaviour will remain calm at home.

Children with SN can have excellent parents, great parents, good parents, adequate parents or inadequate parents, just like NT children. It doesn't mean they don't have SN.

I agree that teachers who have good systems in place will get more out of some children with SN than teachers who don't. I also believe that the best teachers who are flexible are consistently flexible with a rationale for their flexibility, rather than just 'going with the flow'. I don't think that changes a child's SN.

All a diagnosis does is flag that a child may need extra or different support. Every so often, my DD2 asks me if she could have ADD. She recognises that she zones out, needs to fidget, forgets what she was doing half- way through doing it, etc. I always say "It's possible, but having ASD can make you need to concentrate hard also. Either way, we need to find out what works for you."

It is entirely right that the environment needs to change and adults need to do whatever a child needs to thrive. A diagnosis of ASD just says 'this is why they ate struggling.' It gives insight.

CorruptedTongue - I’m sure there are many people on here who would discuss diagnosis with you but this is not the place for it. This is a thread started by a woman about her child and it’s not helpful to make it about something else.

@Corruptedtongue As "utterly ridiculous" as you find, some parents have fallen for it, hook line and sinker, because some are desperate to "cure" their child of autism.

I didn't not suggest that you had posted links to fake articles, I am saying it is highly possible for someone to edit Wiki for their own gains. And people do just that!

Asperger's isn't discredited, it is now under the autism umbrella as what is know as "high functioning" autism. They have been merged together as they shared similar traits and it was thought we no longer needed to differentiate.

*I did not suggest

The child I know who was given an Aspergers diagnosis was presumably given an incorrect diagnosis as Aspergers is now discredited?
Aspergers is not discredited! All diagnoses are still valid, they just fall under the heading of Autistic Spectrum.
You really know so little about autism, it's not something you should be commenting about.
Addressing parent behaviour will help almost any child but it doesn't mean the child doesn't need assessing as well.

The child I know who was given an Aspergers diagnosis was presumably given an incorrect diagnosis as Aspergers is now discredited?

It's actually the opposite. Asperger's has been absorbed into 'Autistic Spectrum Condition/ Disorder' precisely because it was realised that having a high IQ/ verbal ability doesn't mean that you can function better, necessarily.

All people with ASD will have a range of strengths and difficulties which will present at different times. For example, DD2 can seem to lack empathy. However, today, she was cheering on DD1 as she rode up a tricky hill, gave her high fives when she made it, then helped her off her bike so she could sit down and rest. Why? Because she finds hills difficult so she could understand that DD1 (SN) finds it hard. If it didn't make sense to her, she'd have no empathy whatsoever.