My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

Bags packed and I would even open the door for him on the way out

he sounds awful. Its part of bearing kids that a woman can be left with excess skin and stretch marks. Has he been watching too many movies where woman pop them out and boom back to pre pregnancy body. Telling you he no longer finds you attractive would be enough for me to chuck him out. Your body has changed due to having your DC, my OH has always been lovely about my body, I put on weight after my second and he was nothing but supportive when I said i wasnt happy. At no point did he tell me he no longer found me attractive. My BMI is 24 and I look after myself but I am very self critical and will work hard to maintain my shape as that is my choice. He told me I looked fabulous recently but I am not happy as I am too heavy for me atm. Thats love

The thing is you need a partner who loves you the person and whatever changes that brings, weight gain, weight loss, wrinkles, surgery. What the fuck use is someone who looks at your amazing body that birthed his child and thinks he doesn’t fancy it. Seriously wtf leave him to his dreams of the ever youthful, he will be up for a shock in the real world. You deserve a better person someone you can love - surely at this point he has made himself unloveable.

@mummabubs no your not large. Your what I’d class as tall as I’m 5ft3 I wear a 12 in trousers & a 10 in a top. Everybody carries there weight differently. My stomach is pretty flat it always has been. You know your husband... the best. The fact that he cried is he usually emotional to that extent? Maybe it was a build up of something that’s on his mind. It’s an extreme thing to rule out another baby even if you had gone to a size 16. Have you asked him if he’s happy recently? If he’s ever thought about straying? Something doesn’t add up

I could understand a bit more if you had gained a significant amount of weight but you've only gained a dress size and Its quite normal for a woman's body to change after pregnancy. Even those that lose all the weight they've gained, often look a little different, different shape, stretch marks etc. The issue I would have is that you can't control the fact that you have loose skin and I think it's really quite shallow is him. He sounds immature and I think he will crush your self esteem. I think true love shouldn't be that fickle, if he was in an accident and lost a limb or was scarred would you tell him you didn't find him attractive anymore? Or does your love run deeper than that? Something to think about.

My guess if you feel he is unable to share/communicate difficult things very well is that he hasn't found his balance as a Dad and he knows he isn't feeling the way he should about his wife and child (and I think his tears show he knows his feelings aren't right). He's zoned in on your tummy for some completely baffling reason but he may have just not found his happiness in family life. Is that part of why you do the lion's share of the work? Are you trying to make family life as easy for him as possible? It also won't help him that he doesn't engage and interact with his child that much and has to be asked. That's so sad, for all of you. I think you could have one of two problems (or both)

1. He's idiotic, shallow and lazy
2. He is struggling with parenthood and the thought of a second child and rather than talking about it with you he has kept it to himself and it has morphed to some weird thing about your tummy.

Your husband should be able to talk to you. I feel desperately sad for you having the hope of a second child taken away from you and that he has not turned out to be the father and partner you thought he could be. You can work through it or not but whatever you choose you and your child both deserve better than what you're currently getting from him. If you really want a second child please be honest with him about those feelings too. Good luck.

physically you're different from how you first met

Cmon, get a grip. It’s a dress size, she’s not went from a size ten to a size twenty, she’s went up a dress size, from a ten to a twelve, gained a stone. The change is seriously minor and insignificant.

And I seriously hope you’re not suggesting she takes up exercise so she can drop a dress size. It’s a dress size, it’s a tiny change.

Saying true love should always be blind seems unrealistic to me. Also saying if he finds her less attractive there must be something wrong with him is also a little oversimplistic. The main issue is how he expressed this, which just seems completely inappropriate.

I’m so sorry OP. I think he is horrendous for saying this. My initial thought was affair? I was huge with my first and have a mum tum. Tbh, I think we were both shocked at how my body had changed - and DP did suggest sit ups at one point. I felt so proud of what my body had achieved - and I like mine to an extent, although I have tried to reduce it. When DD was about the age of your DS, I did a lot of diet and exercise - and was an 8/10. Tum was still there, but I felt great. I did the couch to 10k (from being a terrible runner) - used to get up and run at 6am - and It had a very positive impact on work, my mood etc. However I did this for ME. DP would never have pushed me to do this, or said he found my tum unattractive. Personally - I would distance myself from your DH (emotionally and physically)- and decide what you want to do. I would work on getting my confidence back without his input or ‘approval’ - and then decide if you want to have number 2 - possibly without him and with someone who is kinder, and doesn’t measure your attractiveness by the size of your mum tum. I had my second child about a year ago - and the mum tum is back with a vengeance. Lockdown is giving me the opportunity for daily Joe Wicks workout with my daughter - and we are doing the couch to 5k together.
DP and I had very little sex when DD was little, and it started to improve again when she was 3/4 years old. Since having DS we are back to no sex again!

Also wonder if this is more to do with the absolute tsunami that having a child has on a relationship. Life isn’t ‘me’ ‘me’ ‘me’ anymore - and perhaps your DH is finding this adjustment hard, and realised that number two will make this worse. Whereas you sound lovely, and more naturally giving person. You have every right to a second child.

He sounds like a selfish, superficial man child. Imagine saying something like that and then ‘crying’. Your son deserves a better role model.

Sorry but I think he is a complete waste of space (and doesn’t even pull his weight around the house from what you said).

I would not be quick to dismiss the affair or would-be affair theory.

That aside, he has shown himself to be someone who is not going to stick by you in sickness (or even slight body shape change) and in health. How do you think he’s going to behave when you face real challenges such as bereavements or job losses?

I’d be disengaging from the marriage and lawyering up.

P.S. Find someone else (someone better) to have your second child with.

I wonder if he should do counselling by himself, the op might hear other things she can never forget or forgive.

I've lost a lot of weight lately and still have a mum tum like you describe - I don't think it's going anywhere. I can't imagine my DH saying something so awful, I feel for you. I would ask him where you go from here- I suspect this isn't just about your tummy.

What exactly did he fall in love with?

Not only should he be thankful that you went through the ordeal that is being pregnant and giving birth to grow and bring him a baby, but he should be thankful that you're so understanding.

But please, start to be a little less understanding of him and focus on yourself. You're trying to understanding he said it, how the situation can be resolved. But this is on him. What steps has he taken to find a therapist? Is he spending the same amount of time thinking about how much he's upset you, about why you're so tired, about how he can fix his marriage, about how he's hurt you by changing his mind about a second child and the position he's put you in with that? He's radically altered a fundamental life plan of yours and is he truly caring of that? He should be rushing to a therapist, at the very least.

And in the same vein, please stop doing more than 50% of the work once he's home. Give yourself a break. You're exhausted. Even if you're not having sex, he's CO-parent. You are CO-habiting. Use this moment as one to claim some time back. Not to punish him, and most certainly not for you to exercise unless you want to for you, but because this is ridiculous.

You are doing the bulk of the emotional and physical Labour in this marriage.

“But I won’t exercise and I like food”

He’s a shit obv but that doesn’t sound too good either.

Couch to 5K?

Even if you lose weight and he then seems you attractive again, what's going to happen if you put on a few pounds gain down the line? You'll always be wondering if he's repulsed by you or not. Not a way I'd like to live. I've put on 2.5 stone since meeting DP. We've had a baby in that time, but still. I'm a lot heavier. He still fancies me and tells me often that he does, because he's a real man. My ex used to put me on diet and exercise plans. Awful way to live to always wonder what he thinks of you physically. The world is judgemental enough, you want the person who is supposed to love you, to be your safe place, no judgement. I'd run for the hills if I were you. Someone else will appreciate the whole you.

'Deems' not seems

Your mum tum is a little bit of a sacrifice you made for having a beautiful, beautiful baby. He needs to sacrifice a bit of his fucking ego.

And I’m not sure a therapist would be allowed to tell him that he’s a dickhead - which is what he needs to hear...

That's sad and really quite hurtful. Could you have a word with his mum and ask her to have a chat with him? I'm pretty sure she'd be on your side and tell him how silly he's being.

Morning all, still feeling utterly crap but thank you for your replies.

I actually have done couch to 5k and until lock down was running weekly with a friend. We have a dog so I walk him every day and run round the house after our toddler. (I tried doing one of Joe Wicks' PE lessons 2weeks ago and it nearly killed me!)

To the poster who just asked about telling his mum- I did broadly mention it to her and no response. I got upset at their house last year (my sil has 2 children with the same age gap that we always said we'd have so I found that a bit hard). I told MiL that DH has sadly changed his mind about having another child and this was really devastating for me, her response was essentially that as we have already had a boy so their family name is continued then that's the main thing isn't it. So... I'm not expecting anything from that side.