My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

I’m sorry OP, he sounds selfish, shallow and immature. He needs to grow up. Of course your body is different after having a child, in what universe is that never the case?

You’ve said it doesn’t change how you feel
about him, you need to tell him this.
His body has changed and you’ve not made nasty cruel comments to him.
He needs to be made aware of that.

I have been following this thread today. I feel so angry on your behalf and the position that you have been put in. I think you need to ask yourself currently what are you getting out of your marriage.

Your dreams are being taken away. Physical intimacy is gone. Self esteem and confidence shreaded. Even your last post makes me sad because you sound like such a lovely woman OP to say that none of his flaws bother you. I know I'll probably get stick for this but unfortunately I feel that men have a switch that flicks and thats it feelings turned off and not interested. Like other posters have said I would just keep an eye out. Check history of laptop etc. Seems odd all of this almost like he is wanting an excuse. There isn't any coming back from this and that's the most upsetting thing for you probably. The knowing that he's fucked up so badly there is no way back.
But your already doing this by yourself aren't you. You are already picking up the slack working and looking after your child and your dog. What is he apart from a reminder of the nice guy he once was. That's not coming back he was always this guy. Tell him to get gone and you can dream again. Please don't settle for this life where you have to do fucking pilates every day!
Pack his bags tell him the ugliest thing about him is how shallow and empty of a person he has become and you deserve the world. You need to teach your son it is not OK to treat women like this.

I remember being told that I was too fat and my ex fella wanted someone he could be with in a bikini. It knocked the wind out of my sails and I became obsessed with losing weight and when I think back I roll my eyes that a worthless piece of shit made me drink shakes three times a day! You sound great how you are. Please take some time to love yourself distance yourself take space and stop worrying about what's going on in his head. Tell him to stay elsewhere while you figure this out.

Op, it’s lovely how all these posters are leaping to your defence but the weight comment, it’s a red herring. But you aren’t able to face it at the moment. He’s having an affair and pulling away from you. I reckon he met her about 6 months ago. Trust me, men do NOT care about a bit of extra weight in your tummy. Look at the entire picture, suddenly not wanting a second child when he did before, going off Sex, crying, actually ABLE to say horrible things to you...he’s changed. And he’s following the script, switching alliances from you to her. Ask him. Straight out, unexpectedly, I bet he freaks out.

My body is not the same after having DS, my boobs were like melted ice cream scoops (before I got pregnant again), I have stretch marks and I'm squiggier all over. My DH says he can't even remember what I looked like before and thinks I look fab as I am now. Plus I made and BF a baby. Who is your DH comparing you too? Bloody Emily Rajawhatsitface?! That's not real life. He needs to step away from the internet and grow up. What did he expect to happen with a long term partner plus having babies?! This must be really hard for you and I would be devastated too. I do lots of Pilates and it really makes me feel strong and confident in my body and it's abilities. The greatest tool you'll ever have. Aside from your DH of course - joke

If all your weight is on your stomach and your waist is over 35 inches I would think about doing some exercises to reduce it. Not for him but for your health as belly fat can lead to health problems.

Sorry if it's inappropriate here but this: "Please don't settle for this life where you have to do fucking pilates every day!" has made me laugh out loud.

I just know sometime soon I'll be having a shit day and it will pop in my head, 'well at least I don't have to fucking Pilates every day!'

I bloody love Pilates but this made me cackle.

"Please don't settle for this life where you have to do fucking pilates every day!"

Another one who thinks this is an excuse for other issues.

And suddenly being told youre not trying for another child because he has decided that, and it is not up for discussion, would absolutely be a deal breaker for me.

How would you feel About not having a second child if he left you in five years time, met someone else and had another child?

I really feel like the poster who says she does Pilates and weight training every to stay skinny and didn’t have a second kid so her husband still wants “a bit of it” everyday is either an ironic persona or sending us a coded message for help. Absolutely mind-boggling. OP, please don’t listen to that. You’re worth so much more.

I vote for, sending us a coded message for help. If i had to do fucking pilates every day AND be followed around by a constantly horny dp wanting 'a bit of it' I would definitely want a lifeboat.

This is 100% a concocted bullshit excuse for something he’s feeling guilty about.

You don’t go anywhere it’s his problem he sees your body rather than who you are

I also think there's more to it than your tummy OP. Not an affair but maybe feeling trapped, not enjoying his new role, not happy in the relationship in general. Horrible and cowardly though that is.

I wouldn't risk having a tummy tuck, it isn't going to make your stomach the same as it was pre babies and there will be scarring that he is just as likely to find off-putting.

This is entirely his problem and he needs to work on it. He also needs to face reality and deal with his own body changing as he ages.

@wereeaglesdare thank you, your post means a lot to me.

@luckybe40 I did ask him outright a while ago if there was someone else--or someone he's met but not done anything with. He strongly denied this, and I do believe him. It's like he's having a very premature midlife crisis or something.

Maybe you're right @hairydogmummy

And please rest assured everyone, I have zilcho natural pilates ability. My sister once bent over and farted in her yoga instructor's face and that successfully put me off ever attending yoga or pilates. 😂

@mummabubs ahhh what shocks me the most is you stating you were a size 10 and now at a 12. I was expecting a dramatic size increase. That’s nothing at all. Be happy at a size 12. Are you sure there’s not something more going on with your husband? Did he expect you to look the exact same. I don’t think I’d be overly offended if it was my husband but I would be annoyed.

@Battysace123 I’m sure her stomach isn’t that big if she fits in a size 12. How do you know her height? She may pull it off quite well and the husband may just be a fussy bugger.

I'm 5ft 7 if that helps, BMI under 25. (Not that I buy that much into BMIs) but I'm not large I guess. Although I feel it right now. 🤦🏻‍♀️

@Coughsyrupsucks this is lovely. I agree with what your saying. The cheek of her husband I can understand if he complained and said but the weight is not the most important thing. I agree with others they could be another woman involved.

Yeah it sounds like you feel as if you know him very well.

If it isn’t an affair he is acting on then I would say this is him beginning his justification as to why he is going to leave you/why he has developed feelings for someone else.

If you had put on significant amount of weight/changed your lifestyle and gained weight/changed who you are...then yes, you can see why someone might struggle with finding their partner attractive.

I think more is going on here.

Look op, something else is going on here, he’s decided no second child for a reason, and he’s saying he is not attracted to you physically, that’s nothing to do with you being a twelve v a ten, you know this. No one is off with their partner because they went up a dress size.

The crying is manipulative guilt and shame about his lack of honesty on the real issue and putting you down instead,

Tell him to cut the shit and be honest about what the issue is so you can decide how to deal with it.

This is a rather complex problem because on the one hand, physically you're different from how you first met, but conversely the physical changes you are seeing are a result of your pregnancy and so there's no downplaying the sacrifices you've made in order to bring a child into the world and into your family.

That being said, I think it's the responsibility of you both to make sure you both remain healthy and in shape, not just to maintain the attractiveness in the relationship but also to ensure you can keep up with your children and remain in their lives for as many years as possible.

You might be able to take advantage of this opportunity to take up a sport or physical hobby like boxing, tennis, strength training etc with your husband and/or friends.