My husband finds my post baby body unattractive... Where do I go from here?

[mummabubs]

I've put off posting about this on here because I want to somehow keep my marriage and essentially I know my husband does not come across well in this scenario. Will try to balance not rambling and also not drip feeding... Bear with me!

We've been together nearly 7 years, married for 3.5 and have a 2.5 year old DS. We'd always talked openly about our plans for a family even pre-marriage and how that included 2 children. Fast forward to last year and we consciously tried for a second child for 3 months. I sensed DH wasn't OK so asked if it was that we weren't conceiving (we were very quick with DS!) and his response was that he'd decided he never wants to have another child. This really upset me but I've tried to drop it and respect his wishes even though it breaks my heart.

Then last week I felt like something was still not OK with him as he's become very physically and emotionally distant from me. He then dropped the bombshell that he doesn't find my post-baby body attractive. I've got less than a stone on me compared to pre DS but it's all on my tummy and I have loose skin (went to over 42 weeks pregnant so I was huge). He says it's my tummy he doesn't like but doesn't feel like he can ask me to lose weight. He actually cried after saying it and said he feels terrible for thinking it as he didn't think he was shallow.

So now I feel stuck. And devastated. And stuck. I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time. I'm exhausted, I really don't want to exercise. I enjoy food but don't exactly eat a tremdous amount anyway. I was a size 10 pre baby and am now a 12, it's literally the "tummy shelf" and loose skin that's left, part of me isn't sure thay diet and exercise would get rid of it anyway. I don't feel like I should have to change for him... But then what does our future look like? I don't want him to see my body at the moment and don't even feel comfortable snacking in front of him. I know something will have to change but I don't really see at the moment how I can ever fully get past the hurt and trust him not to feel the same if I ever gained 2lbs in the future.

I appreciate the temptation will likely be to fully character assassinate him as he has said something very hurtful and insensitive. However I'm not sure this will be helpful for me to read and is why I've put off seeking mumsnet advice or support, but I don't feel I can talk to people about this in real life either. Urrgghhh. ☹️

If you want another baby I'd consider leaving him tbh. New man who loves you as you are, all of a size 12 ffs, and a new baby that you want. Win win.

Or, stay with this superficial pig and have no second baby that you want and spend your life worrying about putting on an ounce. Lose lose.

Did he say this though?
Scot, sorry, I shouldve been clearer, I was quoting another poster (not OP) who's partner had been critical of her body post childbirth.
I'm wondering if OP has hiddden thread!

Thing is, even if you're a size 8-10 after having children, your body does not ever go back to how it was.
Whether that is your stomach (even if slim, it's never the same. Stretch marks etc)
Breasts, thighs, abdomen, even hair. It will be effected somehow.
All your body goes through the pregnancy.
It's part of having a child.
If he doesn't understand that then he's either pretty stupid or I'm guessing trying to hurt you. I don't believe his tears.

He doesn't want any more DCs.

So he's said something that he knows was so hurtful that you would feel insecure about your body and not want to have sex.
In a couple of months he will say something like if you have another baby your body will get worse and I'll find you even less attractive.

I couldn't stay with someone like that.

Something else is going on here.

I think he has another woman. Or someone who has turned his head at least.

I’m sorry OP this must be so hurtful for you

Thing is you don’t sound, like you are actually big at all, tummy or not. A size 12 is a normal small size. Are you both quite young? Does he just have a completely wrong idea about how women look from porn or the media? And that’s giving him a disproportionate idea of how you should look?

I’ve been with DH 20 years, when he met me I was a size 10, brunette and 28 year old. I briefly caught myself in the mirror the other day and I’m now a 48 year old, size 20, with lockdown grey hair. But you know what he still tells me every day how beautiful I am. How do you think your husband is going to treat you as you age? This isn’t just about your post baby body this is about when gravity kicks in, you get wrinkly all over, and your hair goes grey. How will he treat you in 10 or 20 years?

I came back to check the thread after I'd been to do errands. It has played on my mind that much as a stranger on the internet. It is honestly so sad so please never think you're overreacting by being bothered by this.

I can understand why you avoided posting and I think the fact that you knew what you'd hear speaks volumes.

How are you feeling reading all the responses OP?

I had this. I put on a bit more than you but basically my husband likes skinny. He just does, the thing is, people fancy what they fancy. You can’t make yourself have the hots for what doesn’t get you going. My husband is a bit selfish and shallow. You’ve got one of those too. It is what it is. My husband has other good qualities that I balanced when deciding if I should leave him when my child was the same age as yours. We had all the same things. No second child etc etc. For myself and my self confidence I started to hit the gym and I’m the slimmest and fittest I’ve ever been. I do Pilates and weight training and yoga every single day. I love it and guess what. He wants a bit of me constantly. He is who he is. You’ve got to decide if you want to get fit to get the sex back. The issue with that is you’re commiting to somebody who needs you to make loads of effort (body wise) in order to fancy you. This is who he is. What happens if you get sick or old and can’t keel the flat tummy. Pilates will get rid of that but you’ll need to do it pretty much every day. I’m ok with my decision to stay and make that effort (for now) because I love the way I look now (for me and my own self esteem) and I love that my gym effort means I feel fantastic. I think you need to ask yourself honestly if you can overlook this character flaw of his (shallow)? Everybody’s got a flaw. There’s no perfect man. You’ve got to decide which flaws you’re happy to live with. For me, the bigger concern is no second child. You clearly want that. So you’re actually making more than one compromise here. What compromises is he making to make you happy? Ask yourself if you’d actually be happier ending the relationship, meeting somebody who does want a second child and somebody who loves you regardless of your weight. He’s shown you who he is and you’ll need to be “on it” for keeping yourself slim and his interest in you is linked to that. I do that to keep my marriage. Plenty wouldn’t. Then I know women who stay married to alcoholics. That would be a deal breaker for me personally. Work out what your deal breakers are. It shouldn’t all just be about him and what he wants for your lives

I would sort of sympathise if you were several stone overweight, but you're not.

He needs to work on his issues, or else he's checking out and using your body as an excuse.

Arsehole

@newstarting exercise would diminish OP's loose skin and stretchmarks a little, but probably the only way she is getting a flat tummy is with surgery. You've just been lucky that you didn't get too much stretching on your belly after your kids.

I'm so sorry for you. Honestly that's horrendous.

I have a young baby and lost all my confidence since, my body has changed and my belly saggy. And my partner keeps trying to make me feel better about it.

I couldn't get passed something like that, you are who you are. Belly or no belly. I bet you feel so let down by him.

Looks will always fade eventually and body changes as we grow old.

Between this and the shut down on a second kid, I'd speculate that his issue isn't with how you specifically look, it's with the fact that he can't handle the fact that you're a mother now, that your body grew and sustained a human and that you're something other than his perpetually available sexual fantasy.

It comes from a lack of maturity and an inability to see the female form as anything other than a sexual object for his personal gratification.

Men grow up being bombarded with pornography, sexualised imagery and the constant objectification of the female form. So it's unsurprising that many of them struggle to reconcile the physical reality of motherhood with this idea that women's bodies are commodities that exist purely for their sexual pleasure.

It sounds like he understands it's messed up, at least. That's a start that you can build on. Therapy definitely might help too.

It's odd as when you've been married to someone for years, an extra bit of skin really doesn't do anything.

Is there a chance he has postnatal depression!? I wonder if he's struggling which is also why he is so against second child.

@newstarting
Well let's hope you never get sick as you grow old where you need to take medication that effects your weight. Or you aren't able to work out every day.
And let's hope he doesn't go off with someone 'skinny'
Selfish and shallow as a flaw?
Blimey. It's more than that.
Marriage is about growing old together for one thing and people don't physically stay the same as they grow older.
It's not about her stomach. This is trying to hurt her and make it her fault he doesn't want to have sex.

Fuck him. Well don't actually fuck him, I imagine that's the last thing you want to do.

Obviously he's dropped a horrible bombshell but I think this is a really big issue as well:
"I already do a stressful job in the NHS, look after our son and dog by myself 2 days a week and do the brunt of it all the rest of the time."

He's not pulling his weight or doing his share. He expects you to contribute financially, do the lion's share of childcare and housework, and be a body perfect fuckdoll?

FUCK. THAT.

If he's having an affair (likely) then he's a cliche and fool, fuck him off and good riddance to him.

Even if he's not having an affair, he need to sort himself out and sharpish. He's hardly in the running for husband and father of the year.

My tummy is like this after 3 big babies in 4 years. It makes me feel like shit because my stomach was lovely before babies. I also have diastasis recti which makes it even harder to fix. If my dh had said this to me I couldn't forgive him because these type of things are just pointless and cruel. He knows you are aware of your stomach being different it was just plain rude and nasty to say it. What did he think was going to come of him saying it to you?

Wow. I've read every single reply, thank you all so much. I know I'll forget things that people have asked but I'll come back when I clock it. I had to take a step back as DH came home from work.

I'm 31, he's 35. He was amazing during my pregnancy, birth was difficult and I literally couldn't have done the first 4 weeks without him, he was incredible. Honestly, his current comments really don't reflect who he usually is and has been as a person for the last 7 years. I've asked him if he thinks he's low in mood and he's not sure.

A couple of people have commented about his parents, I think this is another piece of the puzzle to be honest. His parents have modelled to him from day dot that you don't have difficult conversations, you avoid them completely and consequently stay miserable and sitting on things. Lots of elephants in the room etc. As a result I don't think he actually has the skills of how to navigate sensitive interpersonal things very well. I wonder if this was him experimenting with being honest and open and he's got it very, very wrong. Doesn't make it hurt less, but helps me to try and understand.

A few people have asked about my body. Even as a size 10 and when I've been at my slimmest I've never been toned, so DH has never known me with abs or anything. He on the other hand was quite toned when I met him as he played a lot of sport. He's lost definition and put on a bit of weight since we had DS but I can honestly say it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Nor do his grey hairs. To me he's still attractive.

I probably didn't present what went on with the turnabout on ttc#2 very well, I definitely didn't easily accept it and to be honest I still haven't. I 110% want another child both for me and so DS has a sibling, I always have done. I'm feeling very confused as despite this overwhelming urge to want another child one day I wanted them with DH. I still do. So I'm trying to get my head around the idea that will probably/possibly never happen, so then is that in itself a deal breaker? Someone else nailed it up thread when they said although it can seem like a trivial thing to consider ending everything over a tummy comment it's about what's underneath it, and it feels like I'm the only one who wants the same things we wanted when we got married.

Oh and a few asked about our sex life- at this point in for a penny, in for a pound... Definitely less sex after DS came along but still having it. After we stopped ttc#2 last September we've had sex maybe once or twice, not in the last 4 months at all. Now we're in the tricky pickle that he's trying to say bar the tummy he still finds me attractive but I don't want him seeing me naked, let alone thinking of rekindling a sex life.

I'm also sorry about the lack of paragraphs in the first reply there, the android app deletes all formatting when you post 99% of the time. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’m really sorry op.

Couples counselling is to deal with couples things:

• dealing with you wanting a second child and him not wanting one

• the fact that he’s absent 2 days a week (why?) and you’re still doing the majority of the childcare AND working and what that means about your relationship;

• issues around intimacy and sex that can be worked on together (ie different sex drives/dealing with past abuse/sexual dysfunction/impotence)

Couples counselling is not him not liking your stomach. He needs to be in therapy on his own for that. Whatever his issue is, you don’t need to be in the room for that. You can be in a seperate room having some therapy for your own self esteem body issues if you want, or to discuss what’s going on in your relationship that means you’ve just dropped the second child with no questions etc, but that’s up to you.

Only after individual counselling would I suggest couples. For that to work you both have to be ready to work hard together as it can be exhausting and painful, you have to really want your relationship to work, it has to be worth it. I’m not sure he is worth that effort, so work on yourself first and love yourself for what you’ve achieved and listen to the amazing women on here telling you you’re beautiful and you should be treated like a goddess.

He's lost definition and put on a bit of weight since we had DS but I can honestly say it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Nor do his grey hairs. To me he's still attractive
Have you pointed this out to him and how
much of a hypocrite he is being?
Make him fully aware how much he has hurt you.

@powkin the 2 days are during the week as he works full time and I work part time. He does things like empty the dishwasher and is good at doing very time limited tasks with DS, but usually has to be asked to do it. He's getting a bit better at interacting with DS as he gets older.

Everybody’s body changes over time, after babies, or illness, or weight shifts, with time.
My DH is much the same shape as he was twenty five years ago, but he has much less hair. I am fatter and have a typical shelf after two c-sections.
Nobody looks the same at fifty as they did at twenty five.
It isn’t as though you are hugely different, you have gone up one dress size !

I agree he should think of counselling. It is odd to focus on your slightly changed tummy, rather than looking at you as a whole person.
Was it a very traumatic birth ? Could something like that be at the root of this ? Because whether he likes it or not, otherwise it really is horribly shallow. You are a woman, who has had a baby, you are not a doll.

@Jkscot4 he has but it's barely noticeable weight gain. It literally doesn't change the way I see him an iota. My partner before DH was overweight and huge muscles has just never done it for me.