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Original poster

DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

266 replies

ExPattobe · 22/04/2020 23:15

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

OP posts:
PaulinePetrovaPosey · 22/04/2020 23:18

Sorry, no practical advice.

But I'd be furious about the deception, and sceptical about whether this will be possible in a month even if I wanted to go.

OhioOhioOhio · 22/04/2020 23:19

Hmm. What financial security is he prepared to sign over to you should you decide to move?aka, 'honey, wow let's do it, but I'd be so financially vulnerable?????'
If he puts his money where his mouth is and fixes that then think about it and maybe go. If not pretend to think about it and don't go.

OhioOhioOhio · 22/04/2020 23:20

ps Did the romantic story. Am now divorced and skint.

RedSoloCup · 22/04/2020 23:22

Not enough info really, do you have kids together ? Do you have any that aren't his?

uhoh2020 · 22/04/2020 23:22

I'm sure Trump has closed his borders to anyone looking to move there so doubt its even doable next month even if you did want to go

ThanosSavedMe · 22/04/2020 23:24

I would be very cross at the deception. Also expecting you to give up everything and go to the US because he has it all planned out.

One of the last places on earth I would want to go to right now is America. Years ago I was desperate to move over there, now, not a chance.

category12 · 22/04/2020 23:27

If it's possible for the move to happen given Covid, why doesn't he go ahead and you sort out things here and join him later? (If you're willing to go).

richteasandcheese · 22/04/2020 23:28

Not only unrealistic, but completely undoable at the moment - he might get in if he's a US citizen, but you won't

Troels · 22/04/2020 23:29

All green cards on hold for the next 60 days, you'd have to follow him later.
I'd do it to move nearer family. Luckily for me some of my kids moved to the UK right before we did. I haven't total shut off the idea of moving back at some point, but not if all my kids are in UK.

ShyTown · 22/04/2020 23:30

The deception would be a deal breaker for me. Wanting to be near his kids makes sense but there’s no excuse for not talking it through with you. Sorry to say it but it really doesn’t seem like he considers you his partner.

Practically, if you’re not married and you’re not a US citizen then you’d need your employer to sponsor you for an L1 visa and I’m not sure if they’re approving those at the moment, regardless there’s no way you’d get one within a month. I think ours took about 3 months for paperwork filling, processing and then the embassy appointment.

Original poster
ExPattobe · 22/04/2020 23:32

Thank you for responses. Yes 2 DC together and he has 2 DC in the children who are my step-kids. We all get on very well so I don’t think that presents a problem. Our DC are easy to move at the moment, neither are of school age and just go to daycare.

We aren’t married but are engaged to be but I am worried that I could be left in the US with bugger all if things go tits up.

He’s a US citizen so as a family I think we are able to. Our DC are US citizens (never lives there though). Have enquired with my firm whether I could relocate and that seemed positive so I’d have some financial security.

What else should I be looking into? I’m sulking with him as I feel real pressure to go along with this, more so because Of the £££ that goes with his job. He won’t get that here I don’t think.

OP posts:
macaroniandpizza · 22/04/2020 23:33

I watched trump's press briefing last night and nobody is getting into us via green cards for 60 days at least. I think this is what trump has been waiting and wishing to do since he became president

Original poster
ExPattobe · 22/04/2020 23:34

3 months seems more realistic to me but even then that seems so quick to get our shit together.

OP posts:
category12 · 22/04/2020 23:34

Yeah, it does sound like he either doesn't see you as long-term and so is making decisions for himself only, or he sees you as a piece of furniture with no say in anything. Neither of which is great.

Etcni · 22/04/2020 23:35

If you're not married you wouldn't count as a relative for immigration purposes, even if immigration were possible at the moment

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 22/04/2020 23:37

If you go and then change your mind then you won’t be able to bring the kids back unless he agrees.

There is a British mumsnetter whose husband persuaded her to move to Australia, fucked off with another woman, barely sees the kids, doesn’t financially support the kids but she is stuck out there because he won’t let her take the kids home.

ARoseInHarlem · 22/04/2020 23:38

You won’t be able to move within a month, unless your work can sort out a visa (and even that would take longer than a month to organise). Sounds like he may be angling at leaving you behind to follow on. He can relocate as he’s a citizen.

I wouldn’t do this. If they’re prepared to pay ££££ they can wait until the corona risk passes. In the meantime, you start wheels turning on getting over here with a work visa.

Don’t let him leave you behind with a job, two children and a house to rent out.

Twooter · 22/04/2020 23:39

If you did get there, but later split up, is there a risk that you’d be kicked out but not allowed to take the children? ( have no idea-but would want the answer before I considered it)

Original poster
ExPattobe · 22/04/2020 23:40

My firm is is HQ’d in the US so I think I’d get a transfer which is probably the way to get me in but think this could take longer.

Have suggested DP goes ahead without but he’s completely against that idea.

He sounds like a shit bag for what he’s done and his omission was wrong but I really don’t think he thought he’d get it. He was so excited when he told me and the agreement was for him to work here.

I’ll speak to him tomorrow and we will start researching how I could get a green card.

OP posts:
Original poster
ExPattobe · 22/04/2020 23:44

Fucking hell @Mumoftwoyoungkids that’s awful. Didn’t even enter my mind so it’s certainly something I need to consider. Our relationship is stable but I’m not one to count my chickens.

This thread has been really helpful for me. I will go because that was always the long term plan and I do want to be nearer his kids just would have preferred a year to plan properly.

I’ll get him to speak to his employer. Might be he could do 1 week a month stateside until we can get there.

OP posts:
Imohsotired · 22/04/2020 23:45

I did a work transfer visa and it took about 3 months from getting my US offer (huge company, I had to interview for the position) to flying over. I flew two days after the visa was issued so everything was as quick as possible. It takes a while for the lawyers get everything together and to have your Embassy interview etc so I'd guess it would be a while before you can follow if you go down the work visa route.

ShyTown · 22/04/2020 23:45

Green cards are on not hold for spouses and children of US citizens @Troels. At least that’s what I’ve read in a few places since the ban was announced including the NY Times. But they’re not married so it doesn’t apply. And OP, your kids together can’t sponsor you because they need to be aged 21 or over. So your only option is the work sponsored route and that’s definitely a longer process, definitely not possible within a month. Personally I’d be seething. Firstly at the deception and secondly that he’s made this plan with no idea if you’re even legally able to join him in the US.

category12 · 22/04/2020 23:47

Do you want to move to the US permanently? Because as pps have said, you might not be able to move the kids back without his agreement.

Shallow07 · 22/04/2020 23:48

Your situation is slightly different to ours as your DH is a US citizen, but you won't get any kind of spouse visa if you're not married. It is also worth noting that some spouse visas do not allow you to work, and if they do you will have to jump through further hoops to obtain a work permit. Believe me, it is no picnic.

Your only realistic route without being married would be to be sponsored by your employer but I would imagine this to be hard to obtain right now as you're not a US citizen and the company usually has to prove you are some kind of expert in your field and they are bringing you over specifically for this purpose. Obviously none of this is relevant right now as immigration has been halted by the latest executive order.

It took about 3 months to sort out our visas to move to the US, but things are obviously going to be different right now. In your circumstances, I wouldn't count on going in the short term, and deception aside, I seriously wouldn't want to go somewhere that they seem to have an even worse hold on Covid-19 than we do. My close friends in big cities in the US are very scared right now.

I would also consult a good immigration lawyer and ask them to explain your options in more detail if you do intend to go at some point. Good luck Smile

FeckTheMagicDragon · 22/04/2020 23:53

Get married, it’s the quickest, safest way for you to move. I moved with DH (no kids) it took 3 months to get L1 visa (manager - 7 years max, no extension after that) and another 2 years to get a green card. If you go, and are not married or on a green card you are very, very vulnerable if anything went wrong. 1 month might be doable if you were already a green card holder or married, with no kids, but otherwise - no.