DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

[ExPattobe]

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

If you did want a spousal green card, their gov would presumably be checking things like whether you appeared to be getting married primarily for immigration reasons (though you'd hope the children together would militate against that reading... ) but in general it seems like getting married would be the easiest path forward in current circumstances. Though I suppose he may not want to do that if his children can't attend. In any case, as pp have said, speaking to an immigration attorney would be your best bet

I think you'd be a bit daft to go under these circumstances OP. He's deceived you, you're not married, the US is falling apart right now and as a PP has said it might prove very difficult to move back with your kids should you want to.
I'd be doing a lot of research before you commit to anything and wait until covid fatalities have declined.

My visa and green card were both sponsored by my company btw.

Making a decision that will change the course of your life isn't something I would do so quickly. I wouldn't be looking to see if it were possible, why should he spring this on you and then expect you to jump through hoops to make it happen.

You're not married. You'd need to have your employer sponsor you, it's going to take time. He'll leave you doing all the work whilst he swans off.

You are absolutely crazy OP to even be considering this. No, No , No way. It will take ages to even sort the green card, which will be hard to get at this time, if you do go and split up you won’t be able to leave with the kids without his permission, you are t married which will make everything so much harder; you have a house you’re responsible for, you don’t know if/when you can rent it, nor what will happen to the housing market here. Or in the States...We are in the middle of a global pandemic and your DP wants to fuck off to USA in a month? America is going to get hammered by Covid, it’s not a great time to be doing this...and he deceived you. Not a great start a new chapter in your life in any way shape or form. But worst of all about the kids. You could be stuck out there forever. If the job is ligit, it’ll be there in a year. Honestly, I can’t believe you’d even consider it. (And live in America? Are you fucking kidding me??)

He is trying to rush a major decision (and worse say he going on his own is not happening). Which in normal circumstances would be insane but now

Sit him down and tell him you are not rushing such a big decision at this time

Are there even flights departing anymore? Accepting any immigrants on any basis, long or short term? Tourist visas?

I think it is perhaps naive to assume marriage would make things straightforward. This has not been the case for close friends in a similar situation. I would be surprised if your company is setting up international transfers in the current climate. Most companies are following the 'no non essential travel' line.

So, in a nutshell, a month to move to the US, even assuming you wanted to, seems wildly unlikely.

The timeframe is crazy to me. My husband and I are both US citizens and we're supposed to be in the US right now but we cancelled because of the pandemic. Can people still fly, much less move? Where are you supposed to be moving to? Both coasts are mostly locked down and I don't see that changing in just a few weeks! How would you find a house? How would you rent out your current one? International moves are so hard, even when the world hasn't ground to a halt.

Finally, only move if you think you could live there forever -- the PP isn't wrong about it being impossible to move kids without both parents' permission. Divorce happens. As an expat I know far too many women who moved abroad for love, had kids, got divorced and are now stuck far from home. Be honest with yourself about where you'd want to live if you split up.

Worse -- if you don't get married, you move to the US on a work visa and then you're made redundant? You can lose your visa and possibly even your right to live in the US with your kids.

I have read about women who , after the relationship breaks up are forced to move back home but are unable to take the children. One woman got deported after the break up, tried to take the children and got done for kidnap! Be careful! Xx

They do call it the land of opportunity.

Do it. YOLO.

Bonkers. He isn't even serious enough about you to marry you.

What about schools? How far are the DC off going to school? How long will you stay in the US? Until his youngest from previous relationship is finished college? What if you miss the UK? What if you get a great job offer in say Singapore?

When DH and I could have moved to the US we didn't because of the shite schools and ridiculous healthcare.

This is INSANE!
Has your husband missed the memo that there we are in the midst of a pandemic? And he wants to emigrate? In a month?
And you would be insane also, to agree to do this (even if it were possible) without being married, unless you're happy to run the risk of being stranded out there and unable to bring your children back with you, if you needed to come/were kicked out (either by him or the government).
Do not do this - or at least, do not do this now. Take your time, research your position, protect yourself.

Are you not really worried that you’ve got some real communication problems that might mean additional stresses on your relationship cause it to collapse?

It’s really weird to secure a job without speaking to you.

I would be making sure he was doing the majority of the work on this, he has made a decision, he gets to sort out all the shit, including how difficulty it is for you to get a green card.

Also what happens if your work says no? He goes and you stay here, then where do your kids go? He might find he will have the same problem and kids on the opposite side of the Atlantic

How much effort did he put into stopping his other DC from moving back to the US?

I wouldn't go without marriage first.

The Trump ban doesn’t apply to family visas.

OP, if things go south, keep in mind you will be stuck in the US, as custody will be resolved there, under international agreements. I’m not suggesting that will happen, but be certain you can live there until your children are grown.

I'd be furious op. And no I wouldn't go without being married either

You're unmarried, no way would you breeze into the states and be able to work etc.

If you follow him, and he dumps you, you would be risking sitting in the US unemployed for years and years, waiting for a work visa, unable to take your children back to the UK unless he deigns it.

You would be reliant on his goodwill, his health insurance, etc.

You would be an absolute fool to do this tbh. This is how a life is ruined. This is how you end up living in penury 1000s of miles from your family. No way, no how.

Also did the romantic story, also now divorced and skint... and stuck in a country that is not mine where I have not a single relative unable to ho back unless I leave my child behind.

Looking back I wish we had split as soon as he said he wanted to stay here permanently. We split anyway but if it had been earlier I would have been able to continue my life at home and provide for my child with my career, with that career that went to the bin in the time it took to get a working permit for me.

Stay where you are.

Unmarried? Forget about it, If you go over there, he will be entitled to keep the kids with him while you are asked to leave the country because they cannot give you any other kind of visa than a tourist one.

Never mind anything else, I’d be asking myself how in gods name I’d ended up with a partner who’d universally decided we were moving to a country falling apart at the seams in one months’ time and me knowing fuck all about it.
You have far bigger problems than a work visa.

So he has a US passport?