DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

[ExPattobe]

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

I would reconsider the relationship in your position. Someone who pulls a stunt like this can't be trusted.

There was a thread on here the other day from a poster who had been persuaded to move to NZ with her kids and kiwi husband. Once he got ‘home’ it became apparent he didn’t care much for her happiness but he wouldn’t let her take their children back to the UK.
I cannot stress enough to you what a massive amount of trust you would need to have in your partner to move to the US with him. Once children are resident somewhere it is so hard to move them without the agreement of both parents. As a migrant myself, I promise that you cannot fully comprehend the culture shock and everything you would be giving up at the moment. A long term overseas move needs to be carefully planned and considered.

Good luck getting a visa sorted in a month, even if they were open.

Your best bet is probably an L1 visa from your current employer, which can take a few months. This is an intracompany transfer and is temporary (up to a few years). You’d have to convert to a green card eventually anyway to stay, but you’d be there and working.

A K1 must be applied for outside the US and is for a fiancée of a green card holder or citizen to enter the US. This can often take around 6 months. You have to get married within 90 days of entering the US. Once married, you apply for the green card. This can often take around a year. You can also apply for an employment authorization while you’re waiting for your green card, which can take a couple of months or so.

If you get married in the U.K., you can apply for a green card and can apply for a K3 to enter the US while you’re waiting for your green card application and then an employment authorization while you wait. Basically the same average processing times for each step as above.

Please don’t listen to the person who said to come in on a tourist visa. You could get deported and barred from entry for years.

If you get a green card based on your marriage having been married less than 2 years, you get a conditional green card. If you split in less than 2 years, they could revoke your green card.

The US immigration system is an exercise in patience.

As your children are US citizens, you would need cooperation from your DP if you were to move them back to the U.K. at any point.

I have dealt with both the US and U.K. immigration system and my dc hold multiple citizenships. It’s all a giant pain and you have to have all of your paperwork in order and it can still be a pain. I have moved my children between countries and have never had any concerns about doing so. I do have the utmost confidence that even if we were to split that we would find an arrangement that was in the best interest of our kids. Only you know your level of trust wrt to how your dp would behave in such a situation. Just be sure to go into it with your eyes wide open.

In the nicest possible way, you're nuts to consider this. You're not married, if you went the kids wouldn't be allowed back without his consent, and seeing as he has already left a woman with two kids to raise by herself while he comes around once a month, there is nothing to say he won't do the same to you.

He applied for an overseas job without telling you and you are willing to uproot your entire life so he can have what he wants? Are you crazy? Why would you do this! What about health insurance? What happens if one of you gets this virus? Do you have enough money to pay to be treated. You’re going over at a time when everything is shut! The kids can’t go to daycare/school. How will you work? What happens if you lose your job due to this virus and are stuck out there with no work? Have you thought about what happens if you lose your job? Companies are closing left right and centre! The world is in a bad state right now! You need to be very very careful. What happens if you get out there and split up? Are you happy living in the states for the rest of your life, on your own with no support system? Plus you won’t get maintenance/alimony because you aren’t married. I think you’re bonkers to 1) follow a man who lied and did what he wanted with no thought for you 2) move to a country that is just at the beginning of a shit storm with regards to the virus 3) be thinking of doing any of this for somebody you aren’t even married to! Do you have family/friends here? Are you happy never seeing them again? You won’t be able to just pop over you know. Lockdown. Overall there is no way in hell I’d go anywhere with a bloke who had done all of that secretively. It shows exactly what he thinks of you, your opinion and your relationship. Why should his needs trump yours and your kids?

Oh and for gods sakes do NOT let him go out there on his own and take the kids as a “you can follow later” scenario. You could well end up never seeing your kids again. Political things are changing daily and it’s likely trump could completely shut the country/borders down and you won’t get in regardless of circumstances. At world emergency times like this you do not be parted from your kids. Ever. Whatever he says. The mans a liar anyway. I can’t believe you’d even be thinking of doing any of this.

Plus he’s now “bullying” you with pressure to make this move. How you even want to be with him after all this is a mystery!

What relocation package has this company offered? You need to find out what help is on offer.

No way would I be moving this impulsively, especially as you are not married. Has disaster written all over it.

It won't happen. You won't get a visa as you aren't married. What he's proposing simply isn't going to happen. I'd be very hesitant to follow a man who is this impulsive. If you do marry and get a visa you'll be highly vulnerable if he gets another one of his impulses and leaves you while you're there. He's already shown he can and will deceive you. You'd be a fool OP.

Have the children got passports? I’d recommend you put them somewhere safe. Somewhere hidden that he doesn’t know about. He’s keen to go, got a job out there and completely dismissive of you, your needs and your opinion. He’s already proved he’s a liar and capable of deception to get what he wants. Wake up. Hide the passports. If he decides to go behind your back because he senses you’re putting the brakes on, what’s to stop him just taking the kids? If he does, you won’t get them back. Be sensible. Be safe. Hide the passports and personally, I’d be contacting a solicitor without him knowing to get a prohibited steps order. It means he can’t just take them out of the country. You’ll say “oh but he said he won’t go without us”. Right. Not a good idea to trust a man who applied for an overseas job behind your back.

I’m pretty sure the Donald trump has decided to stop issuing visas. At any rate it’s simply not workable to do this in a month. I wouldn’t do it at all unless you are married and are prepared to stay in the US indefinitely.

@newstarting OP would be able to get them back under those conditions although it would be costly.

This sounds like a catastrophically bad idea. I’ve read about situations like this before, which didn’t end well. There have even been cases of women taking their kids away on holiday with their partner or to see their ex partner then being blocked from returning because the other parent wants them to remain in the country. The parent with no green card then has no choice but to leave the country but is forced to leave the children with the other parent. It can take a couple of years to get such a case through court by which time the child is settled and happy. The court can and very well may decide not to return the child to their former country of residence, which would now be alien to them. This very well could be the case with your dcs due to their young age. Imagine if he moves on with another woman. She could become their permanent stepmum with you alone and miserable in the U.K.

There is even a post from someone upthread saying she has to be super careful with her kids when she takes them to see him in the US. Please reread this and clue yourself up on what is being asked of you.

Even if you transfer to then US, will you have any kind of job security? You have to be really careful to get the correct, legally binding contract with your current employer when you move to a different country. If you don’t, legally you will be classed as having started work with the organisation the day you joined the US office (or office in any other country). The longevity of employment outside the US will be irrelevant. That also applies for coming from another country to the U.K. I know this through personal experience and correctly worded contracts are paramount. What we found out after dh and I had lived in various countries and how the company could have treated him and didn’t made my hair stand on end. His colleague got the shit stick, which is when we spoke to a barrister.

As for keeping custody of your children if you do move, I think that will prove tough if you break up. As others have said, you need some good information from a lawyer well versed in international law, who can explain the pit falls of this plan. My guess is that having seen how much your dp misses his kids, he wouldn’t let you return to the U.K.. You would thus be stranded abroad at the mercy of his goodwill and fighting for the right to remain a resident out there.

No way on earth would I do this even without the current political climate and health crisis. I wouldn’t be able to trust him after the way he’s gone about applying for the job. Stop making excuses for him and think with your head.

The practicalities of the move wouldn't worry me so much. I have experience of moving to Asia twice from UK for work so I know it's hard but it's just a case of research, make lists and get it all done!

However what would worry me is that he went ahead and didn't consult you. My job feels a bit rocky at the moment, even when I apply for a job abroad I tell DP (we've been together 23+ years but not married). Otherwise it's decietful (I think). To dump that on someone, without notice and say "move in a month" is rubbish. No one can try to completely try to change someone's life, their security, have different legal implication for their children - and get them to do it in a month. I'd be most concerned about being stuck there with the DCs if it didn't work out in your relationship.

If he (plus his employer ) thought he could do the job remotely it seems a big step to now decide he needs to be there full time. can't he agree some sort of schedule where he goes there 1 week in 4 say - and then if this doesn't work decide.
Having moved overseas for my job I would say that the amount of time it takes stretches depending on the amount of time you;ve got available and some things you can't do that much earlier - but I would say 2 months. Pet's were our biggest problem timewise.
I do agree that in your position I wouldn't go without being married- it would be interesting as well to know if there is any way of making a legally binding decision re what happens if you split up.
You don't sounds bothered about how your fiancé applied for the job- I think I told my partner either when I applied or when I got the first interview at the latest that it was an overseas job- but we had discussed it more generally in the past that he was willing to move and the kind of places - my (prospective)employer checked a lot through the process as well that we as a family were happy to move- that said my job was always overseas whilst it doesn't sounds as if that was the case here

I don't think it's that he doesnt see you long term, as someone posted....you have a family together!

I think it's the deception that's the killer. And I'd wager this was planned, that he knew at the time of interview relocation was a possibility.

He sounds incredibly selfish. I wouldn't want a future with a man like that. Tell him to go on his own and build yourself a life here.

What does his ex wife think of his plan to move nearer to her?

How does she feel about 50:50 childcare? Is that what he is proposing? He is moving country for the previous DC so presumably he expects to be in a co-parenting arrangement where he sees a lot of them. Can he do that alongside this high powered job?

It will be hard for him to be an active dad to two families while holding down a big job. How did he do it in the UK. I hope you didn't find yourself doing all the childcare on his days with the DC in the UK.

How close to the ex will you have to live to facilitate this? Is it a nice area? How long is the commute from there? If she moved house would you have to move house?

Keep in mind this woman divorced him and then moved country with the DC. She does not sound super keen to have him in her life to me.

How much older than you is your DH?

I would not go. You are not married and America doesn't have a NHS only a very big insurance company! You won't have as much rights if not married. America especially under Trump is not a nice place. There no DHSS over there like here. You need to look into everything before going. If relationship goes wrong how will you cope if he won't allow his children to leave America? You absolutely need to consider everything very carefully!

In your shoes op I would not even consider this move, certainly not unmarried. The political situation can change, for good or bad. Immigration to another country, such as the US, Takes many months, not a matter of a few weeks. You really need to be aware of your rights as a landed immigrant in the US. Your partner's word is not enough.

For me, the deceit would a life changer. I Do not believe your partner thought he would not get the job. professionally, I have met many women who were enticed/pressured into moving overseas with their husband/partner only to find they had been lied to, and their relationship failed.
In this your partner has shown a lack of trust, respect and honesty towards you. It does not bode well for a good relationship in the future.
OP think long and hard before you even try to start immigration procedures.
To be honest, the US would be one of the last places to emigrate to at present, even if you were successful in gaining a work visa, the situation with Covid19 is not improving and the right wing administration seems not to care.
The lack of trust and deceit would be the sticking point for me.
Consider very carefully before acting.
Good luck and best wishes.
You have been given a good deal of sensible

just an impulsive, excitable fool sometimes.

No, he's manipulative and self centered. If you believe what he told you about why he applied for a job without telling you, you need to give your head a wobble. He had this planned. He knew you would object so he didn't tell you until it was nailed down. This does not bode well for the future of your relationship.

Don't do it.

Yes, you could get a fiance visa - it takes about 9 months, and now that USCIS is building a backlog, it will take longer to process this application, so maybe in 12 months you could get the OK to travel. You could get married within three months of arrival in the US, if you can find a courthouse open in the state where you live, or DC, assuming the virus is still active and/ or a second wave is ravaging the country. You could forgo the UK wedding of your dreams and then apply for a spouse visa. Same time frame though.
Either way, you are looking at a medical exam including a chest x-ray, and lots of paperwork. Can your company work with that sort of delay? Do you know if your company is covid proof?

He is a citizen, you would get a Green Card, eventually. You have children together, you bought a house together - you can both answer all the questions USCIS will ask you about your relationship truthfully, to prove that you are not a gold digger looking to falsely enter the US and get a job from which you could be fired without notice and for any reason so you will never know if you can schedule an appointment for a mammogram six weeks ahead if people are talking about layoffs in your office (because your health insurance comes from your employer), living in a small apartment, paying a fortune for childcare, and enjoying exactly one week off per year.

You could get a job, your children could settle into daycare, then start school.
Or Covid 19 could wreck the economy and your family would end up living in a cardboard box on a railway embankment. Or you could come home and look for a job in the UK.

On top of the fact that USCIS is not processing applications right now, nobody knows what will happen to the economy under the double whammy of Trump and the virus.

No matter what, you will miss the UK. You will miss your friends and your family. It will sink in that you are a foreigner in the US and a tourist when you return home.

I think moving anywhere atm is ridiculous and probably not possible.

I would also not move unless 1) I was married and 2) would be happy to live in the US indefinitely in event of a split. Because once you're out there and the kids are settled, you won't be able to move back unless he is ok with it.

I completely understand him wanting to be with the kids but this is a huge thing that massively impacts every bit of your life and you should have been part in the decision making process. The way he went about this doesn't bode well at all and would make me extremely wary.

Selfish entitled prick. And /or stupid, if he thinks this is achievable in the current climate. Very suspicious.