DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

[ExPattobe]

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

I read the OP thinking NO NO NO and nothing you have added has changed that. Getting married won’t mitigate any of the really serious issues here.

He’s not an axe murderer but he is impulsive and unreliable - some of the worst qualities to have when accepting a massive power imbalance in a relationship.

That's a much better timeframe, OP. Great news.

Now you need to start thinking and talking about what a move will mean for you.

Do not move over unless you are prepared to move permanently. But if you are... brilliant. Start thinking about the fastest route to citizenship (it's always best to have the same citizenships as your dc!).

When you decide to emigrate, you are making a zillion big and small 'hidden' decisions that you don't realise at the time. Try to anticipate some of them (your children never returning fulltime to the UK, developing a different accent and attitude, being schooled in a system you don't quite understand, your family being an ocean away as theu - and you - age) and make sure you are okay with it.

You will have regrets, I do, but that doesn't mean that I regret my decision. It was the right one and I'm mainly happy with it. But it's always good policy to plan for the worst while hoping for the best.

I never had to risk being deported while my children stayed in another country with their DF, because we had dc after I had my new citizenship. But you will run this risk. That's the one that would concern me most. Be aware and assess that risk.

Talk to some expats already in the USA. Being a trailing spouse can be very difficult, you both need to be fully aware of what you are letting yourself in for.

Marriage isn't enough

You need to become a US citizen first, so that if you split up, you can't be kicked out of the US without your kids

She can't become a citizen without living there first.

@BigChocFrenzy You can’t become a citizen without being a resident first.

She can't just live there just because she's married.

She has to qualify for residency first. That means an assessment of the relationship and your intentions / value to the US.

It also can restrict your ability to work and may not initially give you the right to work.

I know this isn't a simple or easy process.

Op needs to understand the process and pitfuls in detail and how it could affect custody / residency in a potential divorce situation with kids.

It's not to be entered into lightly.

Also, will you be covered for medical care? Will you be covered for potential pregnancy (including if he leaves you mid pregnancy)? Will your kids be covered?

We will go in a year. They are fine with this but he will need to go over monthly which he’s fine about.

Well that's all sorted then, nothing to see here and no need for a woman to be an equal partner in a... partnership .

Equality schmequality.

All done - the men have spoken.

She’s skated over the fact that he is still taking the job (or in fact had already taken it before he told her). Surely staying at his current employer would be safer in current circumstances.

Omg don’t of him and the dcs are US citizens are you aren’t and you’re not even married you could easily be deported and never see your dcs again!

Nothing is worth this risk ever!

He’s a good man that made an error, he’s not an axe murderer

Who said he was an axe murderer? Lots of lovely people reach a point where they find they are incompatible. Just make sure that you want to and are able to live there until your children are grown, with or without your man.

make sure that you want to and are able to live there until your children are grown, with or without your man

^ THIS ^

Especially the bit about wanting to. And even if OP thinks she does, the reality of it may come as a huge shock.

The problem is that moving back to the UK may prove infinitely more difficult - if not impossible - than the cumbersome irritations and potential pitfalls of US immigration.

1 You need to become a US citizen first, so that if you split up, you can't be kicked out of the US without your kids

2 Omg don’t of him and the dcs are US citizens are you aren’t and you’re not even married you could easily be deported and never see your dcs again!

No, you can live in the US indefinitely as a Permanent Resident Alien (Green Card holder) even if you divorce your US citizen spouse.

You can work legally and also pay taxes, drive, get a driving licence, and get food stamps and medicaid if necessary and your income is really, really low.

You can't vote, and you can't be kicked out of the country when you divorce.

You can be kicked out if you commit a felony. So obv, don't commit a felony.

@ExPattobe, there is no way you will travel to the US in a year.
It will take longer than a year to get your paperwork and medical exams sorted out. You need to get married first, then get all the paperwork proving legal marriage, then start the application.

You cannot enter the US on any visa that does not reflect your marriage to a US citizen if you plan to marry first. So no working visa, no fiance visa. If you marry first then you need to marry pretty much next week in order to get the ball rolling on the spouse visa.

You can't take for granted that your application will be accepted either, even if everything looks perfectly fine and above board on paper.

If you are dead set on this, get in touch with an immigration lawyer ASAP.

FYI:
Child Born Abroad Out-of-Wedlock to a U.S. Citizen Father and Alien Mother - "New" Section 309(a)

A person born abroad out-of-wedlock on or after November 14, 1986 to a U.S. citizen father and an alien mother may acquire U.S. citizenship under 301(g) of the INA, as made applicable by the “new” Section 309(a) of the INA, if:

A blood relationship between the person and the father is established by clear and convincing evidence.
The father was a U.S. citizen at the time of the person’s birth;
The father (unless deceased) has agreed in writing to provide financial support for the person until he or she reaches the age of 18 years; and
While the person is under the age of 18 years:
    the person is legitimated under the law of his/her residence or domicile, or
    the father acknowledges paternity of the person in writing under oath, or
    the paternity of the person is established by adjudication of a competent court.

If the child was born abroad out-of-wedlock on or after November 14, 1986 to a U.S. citizen father who satisfies the requirements of the “new” INA 309(a) as listed above, the child will acquire U.S. citizenship if the U.S. citizen father was physically present in the United States or one of its outlying possessions for five years prior to the person’s birth, including at least two of which were after turning age 14.

Does any of this apply to your children, @ExPattobe.

Has your DP done any of this?
The children are not US citizens if he hasn't.

travel.state.gov/content/travel/en/legal/travel-legal-considerations/us-citizenship/Acquisition-US-Citizenship-Child-Born-Abroad.html

You have a huge amount to sort out.

Hes is not a good man for doing this behind your back. Seems trust is a issue

You need to do A LOT more research into this before you commit to anything.

Absolutely. A family member is in a similar situation whereby the H divorced her not long after they arrived and she cannot leave with the US citizen (British mum, British born) DC. Added complication of having just lost her job and healthcare due to COVID.

(Respectfully), you are strangely passive in the face of what is a pretty huge deception in your relationship. Nowhere are your needs, or those of your British DC being considered - their family, friends, schooling. I’m hearing nothing about what you need in this. And 4 more years of Trump? No fucking way

More red flags than a Cath Kidson shop

Of course he isn’t an axe murderer, but he didn’t think twice about taking a metaphorical axe to your life without involving you in the process. He hasn’t given a thought to you and your stability. You moving to the US will make you very vulnerable to him and the political situation. Do you want to relinquish the control of your life to him and Trump? Because they will have far more control over you and your children than you will have.

Your fiancé sounds like a very, very selfish man who you should not trust. Yes it’s one mistake, but it’s a huge one that screams volumes.

The deceit is the main issue. He obviously feels entitled to act alone to get what he wants. Don’t forget that in all the excitement of practical arrangements. What happens if you get there and it doesn’t suit you for some reason?

He's sprung this news on you because it removes your thinking time and therefore your ability to think it through.

You sound like a very competent woman who had agreed that moving to the USA 'was always the plan'. If he had told you that he was thinking of applying for this job, then surely it wouldn't have been a huge surprise? I can't imagine it would have caused you more anxiety than springing it on you 30 days before you leave.

I also call bullshit on the job initially being based in the UK - that is just another lie to make what he's doing seem acceptable.

He already has a failed relationship under his belt. He's been there before and it makes it more likely to happen again.

I would say fine, I will consider it but I need a minimum of a year to think.

So he's still taking the job that he didn't tell you about?

Ha!

Don't relocate with a man like this.

What does his ex wife think about him moving closer? What do his kids think? How much childcare did he do previously?

Hi OP, please rethink this as it is a very hard decision and should not be done without thinking about it for a long while.

My mother is American, met my father in the UK but then felt homesick and moved back to the States. At that point, neither of them were married so my father couldn't get a spousal visa. Their relationship deteriorated as they were separated and as it was the 80s, communication was minimal. Eventually my father, a mechanical engineer persuaded his boss to transfer him to the USA which took a year to sort out. He moved to the USA and in that time, they also married. In that space of time, I was born and my parents were struggling as it was a huge culture shock for my dad and he became the main breadwinner and struggled to pay for health insurance as the company he worked at decided to cut the insurance due to financial difficulties. After three years, so very late 80s, they moved to the UK together - due to the ongoing problems in the US and have remained here ever since. I am a dual citizen of the UK/US due to my mother being American and me being born in the US.

The point I'm making is that my mother was very homesick, moved back to the US and my father joined her a year later which I consider quite quick but then their lives were very different and no way could my father move back to the UK without my mum if he wanted to. In addition, in your situation, you may struggle with the adjustment of living in the US - it is not an easy country to live in and costs are very high. It is highly unlikely you will be able to relocate in a year due to the current situation as the economy will be hit and immigration will be very slow. I wish you all the best but please consider all options.

You really are worrying me op. You seem almost brainwashed by your husband or almost that you are incapable of independent thought.

You need to get independent legal advice about your situation. Not with your husband.

One issue that may have been already raised but what happens of hisnex wife meets someone else and decides to move state/country a year after all you move over. What happens then?

It sounds like you've made up your mind OP, but you're doing a foolish thing. With the benefit of hindsight I'd say that the time to live abroad is pre-kids - try it then to see if u like it. The first time I moved to live abroad, it was to the other side of the world with husband and 2 kids. It's been a year and a half and I really wish I hadn't. I cant get a job, it's boring and rural, miss family and friends, mum is ageing etc etc. Over here my husband has little work income, and few friends or family. It was a really idiotic move on our part and I'm thinking seriously about just coming home on my own, assuming my husband wont let me bring the kids too. (It's too much a controversial topic to actually talk about)
Now, your situation is obviously different as u will have at least 1 job between the 2 of you, and more family there. Its possible however that your partner has a rose tinted view of his home country, which no longer exists. I know mine did, and i was fool enough to fall for it.
What about when you want to come home? You can't.