DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

[ExPattobe]

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

So many red flags here re him and how he has conducted himself here.
I would absolutely reconsider this relationship altogether and what you actually mean to him.

Your children by him are US citizens (at his behest?), do they have dual nationality?.

Even without all the other major issues I wouldn't be moving my children to live in a country with as terrible a healthcare system as the US.

Oh, and I agree with the poster who said he's treating you like a piece of furniture not a partner.

Our relationship is stable

No, it really isn't

If you're not a US citizen or have a residency visa you'll need to get a work visa - most likely an H1b visa which your company can sponsor you for if they want but there's no way in hell you'll get that visa sorted within a month or even two right now. I've handled an expedited H1b visa before, to get it expedited in the first place adds thousands to the cost so your company better really like you!

Also since Trump has come into office he has restricted legal immigration, the total number of H1b visas allotted each year has been slashed so businesses have to apply as early as possible to get them. I believe last year all available H1b visas were snatched up by March.

Are you married? If so apply for a permanent residence visa, for souses that takes a year to eighteen months currently. If you're engaged you can apply for a fiance visa but I think they take longer to process, I haven't dealt with that type of visa.

Sorry if I'm giving you bad news here and of course speak to an immigration attorney who can give you the most up to date information.

There's not a chance in hell that I'd go, even post covid which may well be what you have to wait for. The reason for that being is that once you're living over there, if the relationship ends and you wanted to return home, he could potentially prevent you bringing the children with you.

He’s not an absent dad, just an impulsive, excitable fool sometimes

He is a father to four children. He abdicated the right to randomly shift countries without discussion when he became a father and entered a long term relationship.

This isn't a holiday or an outing he has organised without telling you - its a complete turning upside down of your lives (not to mention removing you /DC from your family).

At the very least you need proper legal advice on your status, your DC status, right to work, terms and conditions in the US labour market etc.

Impulsive is charming when its small things which can safely go wrong. Not when its actually self centred and thoughtless.

This guy sounds like a prick.

Creating two different families in two different continents and now he is torn between them. Boo fucking hoo.

And now expects the OP to up sticks, put herself in a financialy vulnerable situation, with a real possiblility of never being able to take her kids back to the UK if lover boy moves on.

I woud be staying put in the UK OP.

Let your boyfriend be the Transatlantic hopping dad.

It's his mess to sort out.

How much childcare of his other DC did he do before they moved? 50:50? Every other weekend and one night in the week? Alternate weeks in the school holidays? How old are they? Do they need childcare as in primary age or not as in sw
secondary school age? Could the previous DC visit him for a month or so in the summer?

Have you ever had a nice long chat with the ex?

He dreadfully misses his 2 children who have moved back to the USA, applied for a job there without even consulting you, got the fantastic job but they said he could work from the UK then suddenly he is really needed in the USA and you must relocate..hmmm..

Lots of good advice on this thread, not least about immigration. I would just urge you to think about what KickAssAngel and others said about healthcare. Are you sure your dh's company (or yours) would provide full healthcare cover not only for himself but for you and the children? what about if one of them develops a serious condition/disability? What about if your dh loses his job- what happens then to your healthcare? What about if you split up- will that mean losing your right to healthcare?

Insane, absolutely insane.

In the nicest possible way, you're nuts to consider this. You're not married, if you went the kids wouldn't be allowed back without his consent, and seeing as he has already left a woman with two kids to raise by herself while he comes around once a month, there is nothing to say he won't do the same to you.

Yup, this. OP, this is a catastrophe waiting to happen.

Not a chance I would consider this
If he wants to go let him

If I were you I’d be staying right here

However. I think it’s a good idea to talk to an immigration expert /lawyer. Discuss all the pitfalls. The healthcare system/ education/ parental rights if you split/ employment rights/ etc etc

Whatever you decide don’t just pack up and go without independent advice ( even if it was possible)

Read this:
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution
And be afraid. This is the woman now trapped in NZ with a previously reasonable husband.

You can’t relocate in the middle of a pandemic. Well he possibly could but you wouldn’t be allowed on the plane surely. There are very few planes flying to the US right now and afaik only US citizens are allowed to board.
Absolutely don’t consider going unless you are married and only marry him if you want to marry him! You can plan to all go together when things calm down a bit but totally wrong to go now.
If he just goes anyway then the relationship is over sadly as he has deceived you. If the new employer really wants him to relocate then they will understand that it’s impractical to relocate a family right now, or perhaps let him work there a week a month or similar. But not sure that’s even practical because of lack of flights and are the US insisting that people quarantine when they arrive? Not sure but many countries are.

He didn't discuss it with you because he knew it would be problematic and that there are big issues involved. He wants what HE wants and he wants it now! He is trying to bamboozle you into making a quick move and wresting decision making from you. That way you won't have time to consider the long term implications. With two young DC who are US citizens you wont be able to just move back to the UK if things go wrong further down the road (why agree to them becoming US and not UK citizens when you aren't married?). I also don't buy the "didn't think he had a chance" or the change from UK based to US based nature of the job, I'd say it was always based Stateside.

Second @pog100 - I have no first hand experience of this but the lady stuck in NZ - that thread terrified me. So many people on here have 1st hand experience. Please listen!

The children may be dual citizens, SapatSea but I agree with the rest of your post.

I don’t think you can get married in the UK right now, can you?

Maryland is under a ‘stay at home order’, presumably this includes Washington DC. So you can’t go and view houses. Where would you stay when you get there? Presumably no hotels are open? Are there even flights?
It feels a bit like you’re living under a rock to attempt this move right now.
Maybe suggest you review it in six months when things have hopefully calmed down a bit.
Why on earth does he need to be in DC, when if he was there he’d presumably be working from home right now?

I'm not going to second-guess your relationship. I did this - moved to another country for DH. Nearly 2 decades later we are still together and I am very happy with the decision, but...

This is not a decision that should be made under time pressure. So remove it. Do not be persuaded that this job offer, right now, is the only and ever chance and you must, must take it or it's all over. He can negotiate with the company or put them off for a time. Or find another job over there.

Here's the thing: if you move, you need to understand that there is no 'trial period'. I can 't stress this enough. It is very likely that you are moving there forever, never to return to the UK no matter what. Because you may or may not stay with your DP, but your DC are American, they will be in American schools, and they will eventually go to American universities and find American boyfriends and girlfriends and work for American companies. You will have no right to move them back to the UK if your relationship with DP breaks down, and once they are grown, they will likely want to stay in their own country, which will be the US. Your children, maybe your grandchildren will be in the US.

You are not married. You are not American. You are not on citizenship track. Without your DP, you will be a green card holder in a tenuous position.

Do not move without getting married first. It may not matter to either of you, but it will matter a lot to immigration officials and your right to pursue citizenship.

It's worked out for me. I'm sure it may work out for you. But you need to understand what you are agreeing to if you follow him out there. Think longterm now and act accordingly. Good luck!

"I cannot stress enough to you what a massive amount of trust you would need to have in your partner to move to the US with him. Once children are resident somewhere it is so hard to move them without the agreement of both parents. As a migrant myself, I promise that you cannot fully comprehend the culture shock and everything you would be giving up at the moment. A long term overseas move needs to be carefully planned and considered."

This.

You've had loads of excellent advice on this thread, OP. Above all plan carefully. It's completely irrelevant that he wants you all to move within a month. Even without COVID-19, that would be irresponsible and ridiculous. Pressuring you to do that is the behaviour of a child, not an adult. I think it's actually quite abusive to insist that you drop everything and try to move continents during a global pandemic. What's the hurry? Why can't he go ahead and you follow? Sure you'll be separated for a while - months perhaps - but that time will pass and far better to plan and organise properly now than rush and have chaos and misery ensue. You are parents. This isn't just about him and you. It's about your DC. They may be easily portable but if they end up with a miserable mother and/or arguing parents because of a major life move which wasn't properly planned then they get the fall out from that. Also - carefully investigate healthcare, childcare, holiday entitlement and parental leave entitlement in the US. You're not swapping like for like. As far as I can tell, the US is - by some way - the least parent-friendly western country for working parents and so you particularly shouldn't move there until you have worked out where you stand on these vital matters.

What he's proposing isn't fair on any of you and it's deeply wrong of him to try to force it on you in this way. Also, you have to ask: what other things is he going to plan behind your back and then foist on you?

So you have just recently bought a house together and all the time he was planning to leave the country with no discussion with you?

I don't for one second believe he got a job that was UK based and now suddenly he is needed in the US, he is a liar OP, you need to wake up to what is going on here and protect you and your DC future.

I’m not sure you need worry about it in the short term, how would you even get there? Lockdown isn’t ending any time soon and it will be months or even years before travel systems are up and running again. You have plenty of time to think things through!