DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

[ExPattobe]

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

I live in the US. And I can tell you, it is a really really really bad idea to come here at the moment. The death rate from Covid-19 is only going to get worse here, and the political situation right now is highly unstable. Six months ago I would have said go for it - but it would be utter madness to come here now. Wait a few months at the very least until we know more how the current situation is going to pan out.

You'll loose you, your pension, your ability to work, your health, your healthcare and your children. Any power in your life. Your self respect, your friends, your family.

HTH

From someone in the same situation who knows what she is talking about.

DO NOT DO THIS, MARRIED OR NOT. Be VERY careful of him altering your 'marital status' (if you got married) to one which applies there, which leaves you with nothing. Goodbye UK divorce law, Hello Washington DC law.

DO NOT DO THIS.

You are incredibly naive and need a lot more thinking time and advice than one month gives you.

He has already learned how he feels with children in another country. You go there, you break up and the children will be there with him. You either leave them there or you live in the US indefinitely.

I wouldn't do this in a thousand years and I did emigrate for my DH.

My DP can be very intense doesn’t always think things through logically.

That says it all really.

If this is real, you need legal advice and time to think this through properly. Even without coronavirus, I think a year is more realistic than a month although I don’t think I’d want to go at all.

You’d need a green card to work, wouldn’t you? Those have been stopped for 60 days.

This would be a huge no for me. Quite apart from living under Trump (which I could never do) or sending my kids to schools that have to teach kids to hide under desks in case a shooter comes in, if he did this without my knowledge and made it a fait accomplis I’d be doubting the relationship and looking to end it. He is basically saying his kids are more important than your family and expecting you to follow him to be with them. He has made his choices which put him in this situation. Why should you uproot your life to resolve that for him?

Err OP you do realise the whole world is in lockdown right??!!

I know that the US is somewhere I absolutely would NOT want to live. I feel sorry for people living there.

Do you want to live there OP?

Firstly - get married before you come over, work transfer or not. Registry office is fine just get the paperwork done.

Secondly - where about will you be moving to? I moved from London to the Midwest around 15 years ago and I've never regretted it. Happy to give you more specific advice if you like.

He kept it a secret and now he is rushing you into it.
I suggest you let him go be with his children in the US while you shelter in place in the UK.

Nothing about this sounds right.

I feel sorry for people living there.

Erm, thanks?

Me too. I feel sorry for me and everyone else living in the US just now.

Many British people, because they've had EU passports and the ability to travel as a tourist, have zero clue what the American immigration system will do to them, including in the event of an innocent, honest mistake. Dont be one of those people. See an immigration lawyer, without your partner. The risk you're putting yourself at will make your hair stand on end.

This.

I can't see how you'd get it done in a month.

When I emigrated to Australia with the Aussie husband and naturalised Aussie child, it still took around 6 months to get it all sorted, with visas and moving house etc.

I don't know what the USA visa requirements are, but for Australia I even needed a chest X-ray, which had to be organised and waited for, as well as a police check etc.

Another thing which might not make any difference to you, but might - a friend's husband got a job in the USA, they weren't married, but they had to get married within 6 months for her to stay out there with him. I don't know if that's changed now, but that was the case 20 years ago.

Hmm. I don’t think I could go without a job or at a bare minimum working rights. Tell him to arrange a call with an immigration lawyer for both of you ASAp. As others have said, spouse visa may not have working rights, and they may not even give you a spouse visa If you rush a marriage through (also, if you had dreamed of a wedding day, that is one more thing you’d have to give up for his unilateral decision to move continents).
In the meantime, ask your company what the likelihood is of them being able to transfer someone and sponsor them, they may be assuming you will have spouse visa and working rights. Check flight schedules for how many are running. He has to go back to his new job and say it is looking like my family can’t get visas etc in that time frame, and suggest the one week a month (if flights allow) option but it might not be essential travel... and warn him that it simply might not work.

Trump just signed an order banning all immigration for the foreseeable future.

Have you ever lived in the USA before? I've visited several different states and have always been glad to get back to the UK. I contemplated applying for jobs there in my 30s but it wouldn't have been right for me at all. Every state is very different, and even the ££££££ won't go far somewhere like California or much of the East Coast. And I'm sure I'm not the only one who thinks it unlikely Trump will reverse his immigration decision any time soon if ever. I have a couple of good American friends in different states and they are gobsmacked at his decisions and actions recently. Write down, calmly and clearly, everything you'd be losing and what, if anything, you stand to gain. Just because a form of English is spoken in the US I think many people overestimate how different it is. And there are also the kids to consider. Good luck but as others have said don't rush into anything and consult a lawyer.

Is there a mortgage on your new house? Is it held in joint names?

*I just saw a thread sheets another woman had done the same and now she was stuck in the country with her kids. Why people put themselves in these situations is beyond me-

Except that people fall in love and what would happen if they separate never crosses their minds. I'm like you. The idea of being atg risk of losing my children gives me the heebygeebies, but then it's been so long since I've been in love...

You can totally move in a month from a logistics perspective, we did, with a 2 month old baby. But we had been planning it for a long time. But you won’t be able to get a work visa through him, you would need to apply independently for an H1B and that deadline just passed. As a fiancé you can only come in with him and only for three months, then you have to get married. And you can’t work during that time. Intracompany transfer would be your best bet.

But all that was before COVID 19. Not sure you can get any kind of visa at the moment. Definitely not a green card/spouse visa, and you’d never be able to sort out any immigration status within a month anyway.

You seem rather dismissive of his decision? As if he's some tousled haired scamp?

He's potentially royally fucking you over

If he's determined to go, let him go ahead and he can sort out accommodation and get settled without risking his family. But it's a horrible time to go anywhere. What if things suddenly get worse here or there and flights are stopped? It's not impossible.

Read my thread for some perspective on moving abroad for your partner's benefit. I'm in the thick of a situation you wouldn't wish on your worst enemy.

Not saying that you will have the same problems, but I had NO IDEA it would be so fucking difficult.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/3877702-Just-need-to-share-no-solution

1. If you're not married you can't get a spousal visa.
2. Even if you could get a job transfer, most USICS offices are closed and not processing a single thing. Your company would have to prove to the American govt that you're the best candidate for the job to get permission to move you there - you'd have to be better than any other person in the US to get a work visa. It costs companies thousands to move one person. Are you that important to them?
3. If you move and the marriage ends (it's incredibly stressful) then it's almost impossible to bring the kids back, and there's a minefield of expensive legal stuff to sort out. the best case scenario would be you living in the US to be with the kids, even if you hate it there.
4. How would you go about actually moving when so much is shut right now?
5. DC is incredibly expensive. Is he going to be earning at least $200 k?
6. Healthcare is also incredibly expensive - does the co. offer that, how much will it cost (it ALWAYS costs extra), can you & the kids be included? What does it cover?

I'm a Brit living in the US btw. I do actually like it here, now, but it nearly broke me. We spent 6 months planning it, I was keen to go and there was no pandemic to consider.

This man was going to get married to you without telling you were going to move to states ...
Do not go anywhere with man was prepared to get married keeping the life changing information a secret...
What other secrets is he keeping ?
Why did his 1st marriage fail?
This not man to immigrant with as when he bored with #### you will all be off again ...
This man had not considered you your kids your famliy your job your life ...
This man does not think that yourneeds are important .
This man does not think that his kid needs are important .
Nobody moves famliy their unless everyone agrees. ( I know there are some job where this does happen like forces but you know this will happen)
Do not go anywhere with selfish dick ...
Going to states with him will wreck your life ...

Good luck in getting a job in the U.S., short or long term. There are literally millions of people out of work right now and many of those jobs will not be there when this epidemic is finally over.

This is literally the worst time in the world to try to move to the US.