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Original poster

DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

266 replies

ExPattobe · 22/04/2020 23:15

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

OP posts:
ChipotleBlessing · 23/04/2020 00:30

You literally cannot move to the US. You are excluded by the travel ban. Your DH and kids could, but not you.

MamaKarmaLlama · 23/04/2020 00:30

Wow. I’d be really upset and angry he did not discuss this with you. It’s huge and if he can be that deceptive that would trouble me. Plus it seems he’s hurrying you in to a potentially life-changing decision with very little time to consider all the pros and cons. Then, on top of it all, you are not married so might find yourself in a very tricky situation out there, stranded with few rights. All sounds pretty worrying to me.

REignbow · 23/04/2020 00:31

Move to the US in a month..! Sorry but that is impossible. Trump has suspended all immigration and green card applications. Even, if this is lifted you are probably looking more to the end of the year.

Why are you not more angry? You have two children together and he has unilaterally decided that you will move continent, without any consultation. I appreciate, that he wants to be nearer his other DC, but he has your joint DC to consider also.

DroppedBoxxedRuth · 23/04/2020 00:31

Surely this is a wind up Confused

Are you following any news OP? I just can't believe anyone is seriously considering moving to the US with all that's going on in the world and certainly not in a month.

If you tell me it's NY then I totally call bullshit on this thread.

AllosaurusMum · 23/04/2020 00:32

I think telling him you need 6-12 months is a good idea. You don’t want to be here in a month. A lot of states are ending their quarantines at the end of this month. I’d tell him you need to wait until the pandemic ends before moving.

peppermintcapsules · 23/04/2020 00:33

How old are teh children you have together? What do they think of all this? My h is American and we're thinking of moving, but with our kids on board with it. I think he's very selfish. I'd be furious.

YourWinter · 23/04/2020 00:35

Practical considerations aside, there is nothing, ever, would persuade me to bring up children in a country where school children can buy guns.

Original poster
ExPattobe · 23/04/2020 00:44

Crikey Moses I didn’t expect that kind of response. My DP can be very intense doesn’t always think things through logically.

Deception aside, we had to cancel our wedding because of COVID-19 and I don’t think you can get a ‘quickie’ wedding atm, nor would I want one really. I’d want all of our kids there.

I’m definitely NBU from your responses so I’m going to ask him to table the discussion on moving until a) COVID-19 calms the f down b) we can reschedule our wedding so that all of the kids can attend and c) my job in the US is secured.

His employer seems reasonable but my dp was eager to please and be present but it’s not feasible and he has stressed that he will not go without the me and the kids.

He didn’t fight his ex wife not to take his dc back home because he’s a decent guy but prior to securing this job he had to travel to the US with his job monthly so saw all of the DC at least once a month. He’s not an absent dad, just an impulsive, excitable fool sometimes.

OP posts:
rvby · 23/04/2020 00:49

You'll have to get a tourist visa because you arent married.

This means that if he dumps you, you'll be at risk of being deported without your children.

I'm from a developing nation, I know all about visas and people ruining their lives by getting caught in an immigration system that they dont understand.

Many British people, because they've had EU passports and the ability to travel as a tourist, have zero clue what the American immigration system will do to them, including in the event of an innocent, honest mistake. Dont be one of those people. See an immigration lawyer, without your partner. The risk you're putting yourself at will make your hair stand on end.

blueshoes · 23/04/2020 00:49

Which part of the US?

Penyu · 23/04/2020 00:50

As soon as your kids are deemed legally resident in another country, or in America in another state it seems, then you can't move them.
I guess there are different definitions along what constitutes legally resident which you should absolutely research before you move.
If you split, you (they) could be there for the foreseeable future.
You need to do A LOT more research into this before you commit to anything.

If you haven't already seen it, watch Marriage Story on Netflix 😳

ElioGar21 · 23/04/2020 00:51

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
ExPattobe · 23/04/2020 00:52

Washington DC

OP posts:
Original poster
ExPattobe · 23/04/2020 00:53

I do really appreciate the advice especially re immigration and family law as I have to admit I didn’t have a clue about. I’ll speak to a lawyer and won’t do as my partner did and do it behind my back

OP posts:
PinkDramaLlama · 23/04/2020 00:58

This is a permanent move for you. He's going home and unlikely to want to come back to the UK.
So if you stay together, you'll be there permanently. If you split up, you will not be able to bring the kids back here to live without his permission -so you'll be there at least until they are adults.
Only go if you are prepared to be there for good.

Ellmau · 23/04/2020 01:03

You need to be sure his package includes very good health insurance for all of you before agreeing to anything.

You could apply for a K1 (fiancé) visa if you plan on marrying within six months of getting to the US, assuming those visas are not affected by the latest rules. I understand that both spousal and fiancé visas take about 9 months to get.

Whereabouts in the US is it?

REignbow · 23/04/2020 01:03

I think your plan may work.

However, please stress to him that this cannot and will not happen any time soon. Even before the announcement from Trump, many of the consulates are closed so you cannot get an appointment anyway.

How do you feel about it? You’ve described how he is but no mention of the enormity of moving and leaving your friends and family behind.

occa · 23/04/2020 01:06

Jesus please DO NOT do this if you're not married with a green card. If you split up you're likely to be deported back to your home country and the kids will stay with him. It'll be impossible for you to get them back.

I know about this as per my US lawyer as I'm a UK national unmarried and split from my US kids' Dad. I have to be super careful even visiting the US with my DC.

Ellmau · 23/04/2020 01:07

You'll have to get a tourist visa because you arent married.

I really wouldn't recommend that. Chances are high that your intention to stay permanently would be picked up by officials, leaving you facing a ban.

notangelinajolie · 23/04/2020 01:08

I would go but I'd get married first.

TheMotherofAllDilemmas · 23/04/2020 01:11

Don’t agree to a temporary move either, I came here for six months and 20 years later I’m still unable to leave unless I leave my child behind, the only reason I worked to get a British citizenship was to ensure I was allowed to stay with my kid. I knew I could be deported at any time if we split, so got it before divorce in case he played the card of not allowing DS to go back with me.

Back then I used to talk a lot with a woman in Mumsnet who was stuck in the States for the same reason, there was no chance she was allowed to bring the child back, her main battle was about being able to stay by her child fighting requests from immigration control to leave the country ASAP as she was there with an spousal visa that was cancelled by the fact of splitting from her American husband.

TehBewilderness · 23/04/2020 01:12

I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it.

This is not the kind of behavior you can just dismiss with "fair point".

What else does your "partner" keep seret because he doesn't want to "tempt fate and create anxiety"?

OldWomanSaysThis · 23/04/2020 01:13

I'm suspicious at his real motive.

Mintjulia · 23/04/2020 01:18

Op, get some legal advice urgently. If your dcs are US citizens, and you split, you could lose them completely.

If you lose your visa, you could be kicked out, and your dcs placed in his custody.

Aly92 · 23/04/2020 01:21

You literally get nothing out of this and risk being stick there and returning without you children if things go to shit. My children come first I would never risk that. He chose to build a life with you here but expects you to drop everything and move with him where you’ll be vulnerable. He knows exactly what he’s doing. I just saw a thread sheets another woman had done the same and now she was stuck in the country with her kids. Why people put themselves in these situations is beyond me .