DP wants us to move to the US in a month!

[ExPattobe]

Dp’s DC moved back home to the US 6 months ago and he’s struggled to be away from them. His entire family lives Stateside.

We visited the DC at Xmas and had a lovely time and unbeknownst to me DP applied for a job out there. Various Skype calls and interviews later he was offered a ridiculous package with agreement he could work in the UK. Things have changed and they need him in the US more so he’s suggested rather strongly that we upsticks and relocate. I’m annoyed at him not telling me all of this but he didn’t want to tempt fate and create anxiety for me which is a fair point because he may not have been given the job but I do think we should have talked about it. I don’t think he thought he stood a chance really.

Going to the US to be near his kids makes sense and I don’t blame him for wanting to be close to them but I don’t think it’s doable in a month. We’ve not long purchased a house so we’d need to rent that and there’s so much other shit to resolve.

Then there’s my job. I could relocate to our US offices but I’m not sure about this. I’m ok with going to the US but what time frames seem reasonable?

Don’t even know how we could look around at places with the COVID crisis (another worry bead for us).

Any help/guidance gratefully received.

what happens of hisnex wife meets someone else and decides to move state/country a year after all you move over. What happens then?

Now that's another difference. Parents can't just up and move state/country because they fancy it as easily as they do here. Even celebs like Madonna, Kelly Rutherford and Hally Berry found the courts on the side of the other parent when they tried to move locations or the child got old enough to want to reside with one or the other parent.

My h's sister was stuck in a state she didn't want to be in for years as her ex h didn't want the kids to move to the (adjoining) state. Another friend who is American went with her British husband and their two kids who were born here to the US due to his job, even though she preferred the UK. He had an affair and announced he wanted to divorce, conveniently after he naturalised. Guess who's now stuck in a state/country she doesn't want to be in but can't leave as he won't let her take the kids?

I’m not sure of the law around this, but when you do get married (before you move) it might help with US courts if you had a prenup stating that should you divorce you are able to decide to return with the children to the UK as long they return to the Us for holidays. Definitely get legal advice about this issue of returning to the UK. Hopefully never needed but worth considering.

it might help with US courts if you had a prenup stating that should you divorce you are able to decide to return with the children to the UK as long they return to the Us for holidays.

No one will uphold this automatically because in custody the paramount is what is in the best interests of the child or children, not the parent's convenience or homesickness. The courts there are much more proactive about child maintenance, too, with both parties expected to share financial responsibility for the most part. 50/50 or joint custody is very common. Prenups from other countries are as meaningless there are they are here.

LoL

I was raised in a few different european countries and after university moved to another continent. Loved the country, people, learnt the language etc. However, I missed Europe and I moved back here when I split up with my ex boyfriend. He's still there and had I stayed with him, I would have had to spend the last 20 years there. My brother moved his family to Europe but his teenage daughter missed the country of her birth so much that as soon as she turned 18, she moved back. My sil is happy here but her daughter, parents, brother etc are all there.

This is a massive decision you are making. If you are used to seeing your family, have your career, your friends, your independence and autonomy, you will be giving all this up and end up completely dependant on an impulsive man. I'm impulsive but not when it impacts other people so massively. And the way he went about this was very very sneaky (I know you're dressing it up differently but that is bs) and gives you an insight into what this man is capable of. He's tricked you and railroaded you and you want to give up all your rights in one fell swoop and become completely dependent on him? At least here, if you end up splitting up with someone and you're in a vulnerable position there are benefits to get you back on your feet, you have a right to live here, there is the NHS (this is massive too, much more than anyone who's only ever lived in a country with free healthcare can imagine).

If you decide to go then go through everything with a fine tooth comb with someone who deals with this.

The OP won't be back as she didn't like what she heard.

Lol I said this at the beginning she’s in denial. The fact that she’s even considering it is ludacris. Good luck op you are sure going to need it! 🙃

Yes, being a relationship theorist the issue is so simple, but being in a proper relationship makes a decision far more difficult, which is way so little people go and end up their relationships on the advice of strangers from Mumsnet or stay in dreadful relationships just because they cannot see they are that bad or asume they could be worse of.

Jesus! Need to check what the autocorrect is up to before pressing “post”.

Best of luck OP, and whatever nastiness you have got in this thread, you are not an idiot for considering that, I bet most people in this thread would be very reluctant to end their relationship over this. In fact a lot of women put up with far more shit than having a partner who wants to be close to all of his children.

I have been following this thread for some time and have namechanged to post.

I am British born, extremely well qualified (think chartered in my profession). I worked a secondment/rotation in the States on an L visa for 3 years for a leading professional services company.

Several years after I returned to the UK my then new DH (British) was offered a US job opportunity with a very large US company (the largest in its field in the world). We had young DC by then but I knew that not being able to even apply for jobs for me would be a deal breaker. So that was the condition that this very large US company obtain a spousal visa for me with the ability for me to work. (As I say I worked successfully for 3 years in the US in a professional capacity, with an internationally recognized qualification).

It was a deal breaker. This company, despite being leading in its field, internationally recognised, and large (profitable) could not obtain me a working spousal visa. We didnt go.

It was disappointing for both of us - me because I knew the quality of life for our DC would have been amazing and him because a fabulous job opportunity was gone. We are no longer together for many reasons, but for this momentous change to our lives we discussed every inch.

I do not believe that your DH has even considered the change to your life and that of your British born children. It is an enormous deal to live permanently in another culture and country. He sounds like he is going no matter what cost to you and them.

You have had very good advice on this thread. Please do not become yet another woman stuck in a country not of their choosing because they believed "love" would solve all problems. Delaying by one year does not sort out his dreadful communication issues. US immigration is a nightmare and not to be taken lightly at all. I wish you well, but please dont go.

He’s a good man that made an error, he’s not an axe murderer.

Bit of a simplistic world view to suggest criticism of someone means they are being likened to an axe murderer. There are a multitude of other possibilities between "good man" and "axe murderer", most of them more nuanced and realistic than that rendering.

Whatever. You've decided legitimate criticism of him is criticism of you for being with him so you're going to double down and prove everyone wrong by doing what he wants...

Consult an immigration lawyer on your own and ask all the unthinkable questions..... then decide

I’m the ‘stuck in NZ’ woman. Please learn from my mistakes.
Don’t do it unless your relationship is water tight and you know EXACTLY what life there entails including:
-Schools/education
-Cost of living
-Culture / vibe (preferably visit first)
-Job opportunities
-Employment rights inc annual leave (vital for visits home)
-Healthcare

My husband has changed here. He literally is a different person now he is with his family and friends and back on his turf.
It means I am now living in a nightmare.

This is bonkers. You will be stuck in USA forever. He's going home to his family so he'll never agree to return to the UK. Your kids will grow up as Americans so won't return either.

He sounds completely selfish and I'm amazed you're not more concerned.

Good luck.

I’d go in a heartbeat. I love the US.

Wow. Not a position (or relationship) I’d want to be in