The man I’m seeing said “ I have fuckboys”

[katiie3]

So I’m seeing a man and we were talking.

I’m thinking about changing my car, which I do every year. I’m in a position to Upgrade my car every year and I also look forward to this.

He made a “joke” and said, I must be restless because I’m constantly changing cars, shoes and my fuckboys.

I was taken aback. He said it was just a joke but it has upset me. Would you find it offensive?

I think he must have a certain opinion of me to joke about that.

I have had a few long term serious relationships but since then, nothing. I have been dating and finding myself and enjoying meeting people.

It doenst mean I have fuckboy relationship just because nothing has been long term yet, or because I enjoy sex.

Am I overreacting? Please help.

@theschoolonthehill yes, it was a text message as we are not seeing each other during this crisis. We don’t live together etc

I mean you could have been chatting on the phone or facetime

I'm gobsmacked he wrote that down and pressed send that makes it way worse

And with the current crisis going on, things are already so stressful and people are struggling with their own battles.

I am part of the NHS family and I really look forward to coming home, speaking to my family and friends so we can all uplift each other and care for each other.

It’s not nice working all day and then feeling even worse before you go to bed.

You could give him the benefit of the doubt over using the wrong choice of word and/or having an odd taste in humour I suppose. To me what is most relevant is not what he said but his underlying feelings (judgemental, insecurity and possibly jealousy) have been exposed and it has highlighted the differences in your attitude to money which would cause many issues if you were to try to have a future together.

This is a very real red flag.

I think he was probably fishing or angling for you to say "oh no don't be silly, it's just you I like" either way it's a bit grim but not a sackable offence.... yet.

@theschoolonthehill yes, I agree. It’s more his perception of me and how he thought he was okay to say something that a lot of women, even men, could find offensive.

@JenNtonic I didn’t think of it from this point of view. Makes sense, I suppose. Some men are just pants. Ha. Some are amazing.

@katiie3 Totally ! 🙄😁 it's a strange but very usual tactic for a sly little ego boost. I prefer when they just ask but I'd put money on the fact that he was after a bit of info / to know where he stands. Yeah as subtle as a truck and a bit lame but you sound pretty switched on so just keep your wits about you and don't take any crap 😉 xx

@JenNtonic thank you for the advice! I will take what you said on board.

He said he thinks I’m stressed because I work in A&E so took it the “wrong way” instead of as a joke but my work has nothing to do with anything.

@katiie3 🙂🙂

OP Is there a big difference in your education/background/earning potential?

Some people (men more than women as sadly men are more usually the higher earners) cannot cope with that.

@theschoolonthehill no, I wouldn’t say. He is educated, just like myself. I’m in the medical sector and he is in finance.

I have been sensible with money and he is not as responsible.

I think that’s the major difference.

Don’t overthink his feelings and thoughts behind it too much.

It’s clearly his default state and trying to control you by putting you down is just how he operates.

It’s impressive how effective abusive men like this can be (I was with one for 7 years sadly) with such a small comment.
Perfectly designed to take the bottom bricks out of your wall of confidence and self esteem and leave you doubting, defensive, sensitive and questioning your perception of events. 👍

He doesn’t think deeply about the horrible things he says to you, it’s just second nature to him.

I'm definitely late to the party, but..........

1. Why does he think he has the right to make judgy and overly rude comments to you, which are 'thinly veiled' as 'a joke' when challenged ? Is it because you don't 'defer' to him, and he thinks you should ??

2.Why does he feel the need to 'burst your bubble?' What's the actual goal for him in doing this ? No matter the subject, WHY does he feel the need to make sure you're never TOO happy, or TOO confident ?

3.When you asked him how you looked in your lovely new coat, why was it important to him to say it looked cheap ? What was his actual goal ? Was it to make you feel bad, or to make him feel superior ?

Possible reasons ?
Jealousy.
Resentment.
Wounded pride.
Insecurity.
Does he feel undermined at your every success ?
To reduce your happiness ?
To reduce your joy ?
To make you 'rethink' doing something which will 'outshine' him and his achievements ?

You know him best OP, what's your gut telling you ?