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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

The man I’m seeing said “ I have fuckboys”

214 replies

katiie3 · 15/04/2020 16:55

So I’m seeing a man and we were talking.

I’m thinking about changing my car, which I do every year. I’m in a position to Upgrade my car every year and I also look forward to this.

He made a “joke” and said, I must be restless because I’m constantly changing cars, shoes and my fuckboys.

I was taken aback. He said it was just a joke but it has upset me. Would you find it offensive?

I think he must have a certain opinion of me to joke about that.

I have had a few long term serious relationships but since then, nothing. I have been dating and finding myself and enjoying meeting people.

It doenst mean I have fuckboy relationship just because nothing has been long term yet, or because I enjoy sex.

Am I overreacting? Please help.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/04/2020 18:55

That is just nasty!

There's no way that's a joke - that's what he thinks of you.
Get rid!

Toomuchtrouble4me · 15/04/2020 18:58

Yuck - he should be trying to charm you! Bin him.

Original poster
katiie3 · 15/04/2020 19:02

@SchadenfreudePersonified sometimes a person throws a dig at you in a “joke” and by doing so, they tell you what they really think of you.

Horrible way to do it, it has really made me feel so bad today. I haven’t even had anything to eat since this happen because I feel sick about it.

OP posts:
Thelnebriati · 15/04/2020 19:10

Try not to take it personally because its not you, its him. He would be like this with anyone.

ShleeAnKree · 15/04/2020 19:14

@katiie3, be grateful that you feel sick, if that doesn't sound too unsympathetic, I'm not, it means that you're not brushing this realisation under the rug. you caught it with one hand. YKWIM. Good catch.

My xh manipulated used this tactic on me. He set me up, all other women broke it off before they'd got to know the real him, all other women let him down, were fickle, blah blah, so I somehow found myself entered in to a competition to ''prove'' I was loyal and not fickle! The rules of the game were that I absolutely always gave him the benefit of the doubt, every time, and absolutely always overlooked all of his unkind behavior.

billy1966 · 15/04/2020 19:16

You are definitely not being sensitive.

I think he was very vulgar and offensive.

The joke thing...nah...wouldn't accept it...

You were excited and happy about something and he felt the need in that moment to make a dig at you.

No really nice man finds humour in trying to imply the woman they are with is easy.

It did it's job...you felt like you had to explain yourself.

He's shown you who he is.

Personally, I'd never be unable to unhear it.

You definitely deserve better that him...fxxkwit..🙄

Flowers
MilkTrayLimeBarrel · 15/04/2020 19:18

I am sorry, don't even understand what that term means!

mathanxiety · 15/04/2020 19:19

RUN.

This will end very badly if you don't call a screeching halt to it immediately.

Be thankful that he showed his true colours before you got in too deep.

SandyY2K · 15/04/2020 19:20

I don't find it funny. I would also be offended by it tbh and the relationship wouldn't be going any further.

Original poster
katiie3 · 15/04/2020 19:21

I just spoke to my mum and she said, it doesn’t matter if I had one night stands, fuckboys, what matters is now.

She said it is like if someone cheated in a previous relationship. You don’t bring it up in a joke, in any new relationship.

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 15/04/2020 19:22

katie - You deserve better.

As you say, this type of "joke" has a barb in it. It's cruel at best, and destructive at worst.

Don't let it destroy you. This is one unpleasant man - the only thing you have been guilty of is trusting him and letting him int your life. You aren't the first woman to make a mistake like this, and nor will you be the last.

It's horribly hurtful when someone that you liked (maybe even felt strong affection for) turns out to apparently despise you. He is can envious, spiteful, vindictive man who couldn't resist punching you verbally below the belt. And then he backs down from it by saying it's a "joke" , which makes him a coward and a liar, too.

Of course you feel sick and disappointed, but really he has done you a favour. He has let you see what a dick he is before you invested more time and emotion in him. Don't let him undermine you, or make you feel that your lifestyle is "wrong" in some way.

You are (or were) happy with your life, you are not hurting other people by treating yourself to a nice car etc, and you have every right to have a healthy enjoyment of sex - kick this jealous loser into touch.

And apart from anything, you should bin him for the use of the term "fuckboys" - that is disgusting! Envy

slipperywhensparticus · 15/04/2020 19:24

I always associated it with older men having "fuckboys"

Notredamn · 15/04/2020 19:24

He's giving his opinion of himself, not you. He's telling you he's a fuck boy, like all the others out there.
I'd dump.

Notredamn · 15/04/2020 19:27

Oh. I've just read on and seen his age. I don't think 'fuckboy' means what he thinks it does.
I'd thought he was about my age with that vocabulary and thought it strange, as a fuckboy never refers to himself as a fuckboy.

BlessYourCottonSocks · 15/04/2020 19:29

That would be the end of the relationship for me, OP. What a deeply unpleasant thing to say to someone. It's not funny; it's simply crude and would ensure I didn't want to spend any more time with him.

Indiemeg · 15/04/2020 19:30

To me he sounds insecure and a bit jealous, as though he wants to take you down a peg or two to make himself feel better. Only you know how It was said and in the context of your relationship.However by any standards it wasn’t a good thing to say! If you decide to carry on seeing him just bear it in mind and tread carefully.

terkwoys · 15/04/2020 19:32

Oh dear. He seems to have rather a low opinion of women, doesn't he? That is not the sort of comment your average bloke would make.

That would be enough to end it for me.

Original poster
katiie3 · 15/04/2020 19:33

Even if I did date “fuckboys” previously (which I didn’t) for argument sake, let’s say I did. He has no right to bring it up a joke in any conversation.

If he cheated in a previously relationship, and I knew and still agreed to be with him. I cannot bring him his cheating in our relationship as a “joke”

It is wrong and shows poor character.

OP posts:
MadeForThis · 15/04/2020 19:36

It says more about him than about you. Dump.

Wauden · 15/04/2020 19:36

'He is due a nose hair trim.' Eugh! 😬🤭😖

ShleeAnKree · 15/04/2020 19:37

It's interesting that your exes are all good people and went on to get married so NOT fuckboys.

I think you should say to him, when it feels half way natural, ''my exes were good people, good men, not insecure, not passive aggressive'' (whether that's 100% true or not. sing their praises!). Let him know that you're not going to stick with a passive aggressive insecure man to prove you're not fickle, but perhaps he ought to be trying to be a BETTER MAN.

RainbowsAndReading · 15/04/2020 19:38

Get rid. Whether he's insecure or at early stage abuser is not good enough! I might be a bit sensitive through personal experience but anyone how pulls the wind out your sails when you're happy and excited is a complete idiot. 46 and using the term 'fuck boy'. I'm 35 and that is never a term I would use. Dump him and find someone who supports you and is happy when you're happy x

silverbirches · 15/04/2020 19:40

The implication is that you flit from shag to shag whenever the fancy takes you. In my day, that's what was called a slag.

ShleeAnKree · 15/04/2020 19:41

''It is wrong and shows poor character.''

tRUE TRUE
if you have a conversation with him/dump him, let us know how it goes.

Wauden · 15/04/2020 19:42

Sorry be blunt, but is he a gold digger? 🤔