DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

Wow im so sorry. It sounds like he is living in fantasy land as this woman has not returned his advances.

Has he got a history of this type of behaviour?

He was leaving you and the kids because he has a crush on someone else? (Someone who doesn’t know how he feels).

He’s never done anything like this before. He says in all the years we’ve been together he’s never had feelings for anyone else. He’s clearly torturing himself about it and I feel sorry for him. That said he’s not making the effort I expect him to if he wants to work on us. Prior to this he’s been more or less a perfect partner minus the usual niggles every relationship has.

You're doing the right thing making him leave.

Forget the wedding ring stuff
For now
Keep the counselling
You near to rekindle your connection
May I ask how is your sex life?

How old is he and her? He seems to have limerence and it might help him to know that it is fantasy not reality however he has done so much damage to your marriage and the children.

It must be heartbreaking but what an idiot to risk his whole family.

Oh OP very sorry to read this. Must be heart breaking. However, I think you’re doing the right thing. He has checked out of the relationship.

You were willing to work in things but he’s made no effort, even going further away from you emotionally as well as not respecting your three very reasonable conditions.

Crazychild exactly, it doesn’t make sense but everything I can see supports that nothing has happened. He said he felt horrible for having these feelings and we’d be better off if he left. He says he felt like he was going insane. He is clearly struggling with making sense of it all.

If he loved you and thought anything about you he wouldn't be having these feelings. He sounds like a love struck teenager. I'm afraid I'd tell him he has to go and you want to end the relationship. No doubt he's going to end up lonely and on his own and full of regrets for the way he's treated you. Life is too short to put up with this shit.

You can forgive him for developing feelings or a crush on someone, that can happen to anyone. He’s clearly not in control of it though.

Are you 100% sure there are no other forms of messaging you’ve checked everything - WhatsApp, Kik, Viber et al?

Robin233 our sex life was ok before but we both wanted it to be better. We’ve gone from maybe once a week to everyday/every other day. It was never a lack of motivation but I suppose time and not having the right priorities.

Tech way he is nearly 50, she is mid 30s, I’m 40. Everything about it screams midlife crisis. He started buying new clothes, going running, using moisturiser and eye cream

I’ve checked everything, even his work apps he doesn’t think I know how to access. She is clearly in a relationship with a young child. He is very moral and is from a very religious family. I can read him like a book and I’m nearly certain nothing has gone on.

He is clearly absolutely floored by his feelings and I think he’s been desperately hoping they’d go but he is like a love stuck teenager.

I just feel he needs to miss me and have a dose of reality of what life is like with no emotional support from me. Lockdown is making everything difficult. We can’t work on us in the same way as we would as there is no escape.

Yeah, sounds like he’s got it bad for someone and he’s going to make a tit of himself. Best thing you can do is let it play out and then decide if you want to be with him anymore once it all ends in tears.

Is he sexually harassing her? Have seen this before. The harasser doesn't necessarily see it as harassment, but it is. The victim has no choice but to smile and nod, otherwise she is seen as a "problem". At the same time she has to look like she isn't encouraging attention from a married colleague. Terrible position to be in and she may be stressed and absolutely mortified.

You are doing the right thing in making him leave. What a complete and utter arsehole he is.

Sadly I think you might be right. Why are men such dicks! I’m honestly embarrassed for him that he’d become such a cliche. More than 20 years down the drain for a ridiculous mid life crisis crush.

I’ve just found him asleep on the bed in the middle of packing his stuff. I think he’s scared to leave because then the truth will be out and he’ll have to explain this ridiculous situation to his parents. The last thing I want is for him to leave but I wonder if it’s the only way for him to snap off of it. Or on the other hand she might turn out to be the live of his life.

PicsInRed he absolutely isn’t sexually harassing her. He is the most respectful man I have ever met. He has sent one message to her and it was about keeping the kids occupied at the February half term.

From what he’s said and what I’ve read from his messages they bump into each other making drinks at work. It just seems he’s been working a bit harder to make sure they bump into each other.

I'd quietly finish packing for him, put it outside then wake him up and show him the door.

Just think of it as one final wifework.

Hmm, but that might be noticeable and if he's all googly eyes, she may well have picked up on it.

I mean, his behaviour has changed for you, there's not reason to believe he's more capable of controlling himself at work, if he can't/won't even resist stalking her online.

It just seems he’s been working a bit harder to make sure they bump into each other

If she shows no interest and is 20 years younger, it seems pretty unreciprocated. It's a terrible thing to have a married colleague repeatedly flirt at you. Invariably, the woman finds the blame sticks to her.

Unreciprocated interest in the office. AKA.
Respectful married men don't flirt with much younger, totally disinterested women in the office.

He's got limerance. Tread carefully because this isn't necessarily anything real. I have never really told anyone this (and I'm pretty sure dh looks at my Mumsnet posts so this should be interesting) but in the months leading up to marrying DH I got these insane preoccupied feelings about a colleague I didn't even really like fancy or respect that much. I used to have to go to the gym to cool off before I came home. DH seemed to know something was up. I decided to delete his number, avoid any close contact at all at work and remember all the annoying things about the guy. It died a death. I loved DH so much. But the feelings were confusing and if I was more naive I would have struggled to separate it out I think.

Op, you need to help him pack his stuff. Stick to your guns. He needs to go. Let him go and stay by himself and he can spend all day daydreaming about a woman who doesn’t give a fuck about him.
You have been understanding ( to a fault) which is why he feels that he can get away with this ridiculous behaviour.
BTW ,I think him telling the kids that he has feelings for someone else is unforgivable .
This would be a dealbreaker for me tbh.

PicsInRed you might well be right but it’s really not his style. From the messages I’ve read (between DH and his male colleague) and the things he’s told me they clearly get on and like the same things. He’s never been a sleaze or disrespectful to women. I can only go off what I know of him and the situation but I honestly don’t think that’s what’s going on. Apparently his male colleague only knows about it because he commented on how there seemed to have been a spark between this woman and my DH at this works do.

That said I think he has been all googly eyed so it wouldn’t surprise me if she’d picked up on it. His male colleague clearly did. He has been trying to avoid her at work but temptation has got the better of him at times. Then there was a global pandemic which pissed of his plans

Limerence / midlife crisis. I would suggest separation and very limited contact. It may not feel like it now but you are in control. I suspect that once the ‘fantasy gloss’ wears off and he realises what he’s doing he will beg for your forgiveness.

Make him leave and stick to it - he would rather be with her than be with you, given the choice.

You should never be second best OP.

ScrapThatThen I think it is completely normal to sometimes get feelings for someone else but the trick is to not indulge them which you clearly recognised. We’ve been together over 20 years and he says this has never happened before. I just feel he isn’t trying hard enough to to snap out of it. It’s a daft crush and he needs to treat it as such.

Womenwotlunch that was completely bonkers. I think he had gone a bit insane and decided it was much more significant than it was. Luckily my kids took it ok, the youngest was devastated but the older kids completely bemused...”Mum I think dad might be thinking with his penis”.