DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

@CrushingMeSoftly, I’m so sorry you’re here. You could be amongst an elite bunch of women on the ‘Some Friendly Words Support Group -Part 2’ if you choose to join us as well as posting in your own friend. We have and are where you are with husbands of similar ages going through crises involving OW. Our thread is all about supporting each other, not focusing on the husbands, many of whom have left (as mine has and I’m divorcing him). We were all blindsided by our previously apparently loving husbands’ cruelty and behaviour to varying degrees. It seems extreme to me for your H to be making announcements over a ‘crush’. Hard experience now tells me that you should prepare yourself for more revelations. I even sent mine information on a mid-life crisis (in his 50s). It made no difference. He was yearning for his ancient ex gf from school so much that he left anyway (she also lives in another country). I found out about the affair, which he still denies, accidentally. There’s no point wasting any more time on your husband. Get counselling for yourself and move on. I wish I had known this at the start and I wouldn’t have asked him to stay and saved myself a lot of heartbreak. 💐

SuperbMonkey I’ve always been an avid reader of this relationships board so sadly I know the story well. I’m still holding out hope that my story is different but I will definitely search out the thread, an elite bunch of woman sounds just what I need

Him bringing the kids into it would be enough for me.
you just don't do that. He made his decision and told the kids, why is he still there?
Are you sure nothing has happened because he's happy to lose such a lot for a simple crush, don't you think?
A simple crush, he'd have pulled himself up straight away, but he's checked out and there's more to the ow I'm afraid.

As mentioned I doubt he would tell your children he’s leaving because he has feelings for another woman without there being an actual affair. Why would he put them (and you) through the upset over a crush?

Men don’t tend to leave unless there’s another woman waiting in the wings.

you're almost a decade younger than he is and he's making you feel old by having an eye out elsewhere. As others say, he's really rolled with this crush. That would be such a massive turn off for me.

He expects you to want to hold on to him. What a prize. I'd let him know that you've been turned off.

I’ve always thought exactly the same that men don’t leave without someone waiting in the wings. I can’t find any evidence of anything and I feel like I know him well enough that I’d know. Who knows in a few weeks I might be posting back on here that you were all right. I keep stopping myself from messaging her.

I am sorry. I do think you should realise that if she decided she wanted him, he would leave you immediately. That should say it all. I am really sorry though for what you and your family are going through, you are definitely doing the right thing by making him leave

I think you are doing the right thing op. Make him leave even if you aren't sure yourself. He needs to live by his decision. He needs a short, sharp shock of losing everything. Nothing will clear the mind like having to admit to everyone what he's done and also the shock of losing you and a the dc. His shiny new woman won't look so attractive once he's realised what a tit he's been.

If he's in lockdown with you he's still getting his cake and eating it. He gets you and his dcs, his food cooked and washing down and gets to moon around like a love sick teenager.

Midlife crisis.
Text book.
You are absolutely right a dose of reality is what he needs.

However, he needs to get through the infatuation phase.
Usually about 6 months.
Then pull the rug and stand back ......

I would be booting him out for telling the kids alone. So destructive! He is using you to facilitagte his life only currently. Get him gone and only communicate through text or email. What a tosser!

He'll be back in eight weeks when she has laughed in his face. Do not bend.

Send him packing and let him know he won't be welcome back when he grows op..

@CrushingMeSoftly

Telling your kids was downright cruel. What for? It wasnt like she was waiting for him outside so they could elope.

OP I've been in a relationship with someone who had a MASSIVE crush on their female friend. I tried to tolerate her but I just knew he was infatuated with her no matter how much he denied it. Eventually he admitted something had happened between them when we were in the very very early days of dating. It just wasn't the same after that.

It is fine to have little crushes in a relationship but you cannot act on them. It sounds like by messaging her he hoped they would strike up a flirty conversation that would lead to an affair. Why else would be do it?

I think if you stay this will always be at the back of your mind and will eat away at you. You will always be wondering if he wouldve stayed had the other woman taken him. And taking him back, in his eyes, would be a green light that if he did cheat you would probably forgive that too.

I absolutely cannot believe he told the children, poor things. And that they actually said "he's thinking with his penis". See? Even CHILDREN know what men can be like. I'm sorry you and they are having to go through this op.

The way he describes it is that his feelings were so intense and he’d never felt anything like it since we’d first got together 20 plus years ago. He thought they’d go away but they didn’t and he felt like he was going mad. He’d decided that this woman must be the love of his life blah blah. At first he wouldn’t entertain the idea that it was a midlife crisis but as time has gone on he says the feelings are diminishing and he thinks maybe it is just a crush. This started at the beginning of February so I suppose it’s still early days.

Wolfgirrl I think he absolutely had moved onto thinking he’d strike up an innocent conversation and see how she responded.

It’s just so hard. Up to now he has been a model husband and is seen amongst our friends and family as a perfect man. All these years and to throw it all away for this. I feel like the only way is to give him a sharp shock and make him leave. I had hoped to not have to do this publicly but he’s leaving me no option. His parents will be devastated but that’s where he’ll have to go.

Oh OP, what a thing for him to say to the kids, to pronounce to them in the heat of the moment that he was going to leave. That's horrible.

It's all not very nice of him and it must be hurtful to know he feels that way.

I'm so sorry. Hes being very unfair to the kids and you

I am sorry you are going through this. It must hurt that your dh has deep feelings for ow. He has been truthful but painful for you to hear.

The sad truth is if the ow were to reciprocate feelings, your dh would be willing to leave you and be with her.

Can you live with knowing he settled with you because he could not have her?

You deserve to have someone who wants you, despite their past failings.

Gosh OP that's devastating.

You must indeed feel he has lost his mind to say such a thing to his children.

I think the advice above is correct.

No more facilitating his cloud cookoo land dreaming.

Reality needs to bite him badly.

Please seek support IRL.

He’s current finishing his packing and he’s going back to his parents There have been lots of tears but I think we both know it’s what needs to happen.

@crushingmesoftly

Well done for being strong. It wouldve been all too easy to just let him stay and choose to believe his emotional affair wasnt a big deal.

Maybe you could write down how you feel at the moment, then if you have a moment of weakness you can read over it to remind yourself why you made this very difficult choice.

This too shall pass - remember you are in the worst bit right now

He wouldn't have kept a crush going if he knew there was no hope, surely?
It wouldn't become such a big thing if there was nothing reciprocated, he'd just put it down to a silly crush that nothing was going to come from it.
I hope there isn't anything else to it, but there's certainly more than he's telling you, as you don't throw everything away for a crush.
You are doing the right thing, let him go.
You are a bigger person than me OP, I'd be asking her if she knew what was going on and what her part in it was. You could tell from her reaction, so easily.
Have you asked him outright if he's slept with her, or how far it's gone?

Yes, he needs to experience this consequence. He also needs to be honest with his parents about why he has left.

Devlesko I can see from his messages between him and his male colleague about the situation that nothing has gone on. I can also see he has contacted her once in February and she replied but she wasn’t overly familiar or trying to keep the conversation going. It was all very innocent. She doesn’t appear to know anything about it. He has been clear that he hasn’t done anything or told her anything because it wouldn’t be professional or appropriate. Despite his feelings he was trying his best to honour his commitment to me and our marriage.

I can read him like a book and I’m as certain as I can be that nothing has gone on. He is adamant about this and I believe him. He’s always been a very moral and self disciplined person. I might be wrong but I can only trust my gut on this. It’s clear these feelings have complete blindsided him and he’s been torturing himself about it. He hates cheating and have never been anything other than a loving a respectful husband.

MsDogLady he will be telling them everything and being completely honest.

From my perspective I feel that this is forgivable and we can move on from it. Clearly this requires him to fully commit to our marriage and not indulge in this crush. He committed to attending relationship counselling which we have been doing. I think he needs some space to think things through which he can’t get at home during lockdown.

I love him, he’s my best friend and I promise he’s one of the good guys. I’m not prepared to throw away more than 20 years together over a silly crush BUT I won’t be second best and he needs to fully commit. Maybe I’m being a complete walkover. I’ve told him he needs to leave but I still love him. I will however walk away if he can’t get his priorities straight.

So many woman in this situation think that her husband is genuinely one of the good guys.
So sorry you are going through this.

OP, you sound like a very solid woman.

Him getting the hell out of your sight is a good thing.
Trying to remain polite when you might like throw something must be so difficult.

I can understand that you wouldn't want to throw away 20 good years with a good person and someone you care hugely for.

You sound so full of kindness and respect.

I would caution you regarding one thing. Don't be afraid to take time to fully indulge how upset, disappointed and pissed off you are.

Rushing into forgiving and moving forward would not be right for YOU.

You must take time to fully own how pissed off and betrayed you must feel before you move forward.

If you don't it will fester within you.

I hope you have support.
I would think some therapy to help you articulate and process your feelings would be help in the long run.