DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

Wow. You really have your head in sand OP.

You gave him his conditions, he didn’t do any of them, yet you are still happy to work through things. He has already demonstrated he isn’t committed. What more do you want? When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them!

He told your children he has feelings for another woman and was leaving, I’m pretty sure that is more disturbing and traumatising for them than a divorce.

I’m pretty sure everyone has crushes. I’ve been with my husband since I was 18 and I’ve certainly had a few crushes and I’m sure my DH has too. But I don’t go behind my DH back and follow him on Instagram, tell my kids I’m leaving because I have feelings for someone else, change the pin on my phone, stop making an effort on Valentine’s Day and Father’s Day, send my crush message/s.

You need to wake up.

My friend went through an almost identical experience with her husband. He left home - she made him leave. He had said he was in love with this OW who he worked with and was not sure if he loved her anymore. He was very sorry. She actually contacted the OW and met up with her. The OW was amazed - she had no idea my friend's H was crushing on her and was pretty horrified. She thought they were just colleagues and assured my friend that she had no romantic feelings for him at all Eventually they worked it out and he came home - but things were never really the same. She made an effort for the DC - 15 years on and she is planning on divorcing him. I often wondered if perhaps he had had a breakdown of some sort. He had worked very hard training for a position that had transpired to be not what he thought it would be. I hope things resolve themselves for you

He told your children he has feelings for another woman and was leaving, I’m pretty sure that is more disturbing and traumatising for them than a divorce.

This.

What's your gut telling you?
I've been married 20 years to DH he had a crush about 2 years in and I have twice. I sussed his (mentionitis) he didn't with me. One if mine was bad and if the opportunity had arisen I fear I might have kissed him. I now look back and think thank fuck. Having the feelings are not anyone's fault. Acting on them.and doing nothing to reduce them are.

He doesn't want you.

You will doubt him forever and be his second choice if you stay with him, but within the next 10 years he'll probably have found someone who reciprocates his crush so he'll abruptly dump you and DC will be devastated.

It only takes a year or two to separate, divorce and get a new life without doubt and sudden loss. DCs put first as he won't be off with OW straight away.

Start separation asap!

My head is far from in the sand. Don’t forget you only know what I’ve told you about the situation and it’s really hard to explain things on a thread. My eyes are wide open here.

I’ve said all I’m going to say about the incident where he told the kids. I can’t defend it and neither would he. I can assure you they are not traumatised. They were upset yes but after some honest conversations they understand.

God, I honestly think you need to stop feeling sorry for him and give your head a bloody good wobble.

If people at work have noticed enough for him to be messaging one about it, he's making you look like an absolute mug.

Telling the kids would be a deal breaker for me.

He sounds like a self absorbed prick and I don't know how you're thinking he's just being a bit silly over a crush.

Fuck. That.

Enough4me thanks for breaking it to me gently You know so much based on so little information.

Daisiest they work for the same company but not the same team. They sometimes see each other when making a coffee. His colleague said to him a few days after the party that he’d seemed to really get on with this woman. That was how that conversation started.

Telling the kids isn’t a dealbreaker for me because I was there and saw what happened. We’re all different and I understand why people would feel that way.

I accept that I need to stop worrying about him and focus on me. He’s left now so that will be easier. He has been a self absorbed prick. He’s got work to do to get things back on track. If he can’t do that or I change my mind then we’ll separate.

Hideous situation for you. Big sympathy- you must be devastated.

About 7 years ago I was in your husband’s position. I developed a crush on someone. I knew it was stupid & really worked on it. I went to therapy - by myself. Also relationship counselling with my husband. Told myself again and again how stupid it was. Read books about limerence. Took anti depressants (they suppress strong emotions).

And then something clicked, suddenly, and I left my husband. Because I realised that the crush was a sign that really I didn’t love him, and wasn’t fulfilled.

I’m so glad I did. We’ve been lucky enough to have an amicable separation, and I am now happy & fulfilled (and not with crush guy!). My ex is also happy - with a woman who actually wants to be with him.

My point is that I think the pressure we all put ourselves under to disavow our crushes can be misplaced. They can be a symptom of real, persistent unhappiness and lack of fulfilment. I think OP you should consider - would you want your husband to be with you if he could only do so by suppressing his human wish for intimacy? If you were the duty option taken through fear and guilt and shame? If he stayed with you because he knew his parents disapproved, or because he felt silly?

Obviously I do appreciate this may not apply in your case. But I’m trying to say that I don’t think crushes should be dismissed in the way some posters seem to assume. They won’t necessarily lead to anything, but in many cases I think (I’m sorry) that they are the body’s way of telling us a relationship is over. And I don’t think the body lies.

I don't think you need to give your head a wobble. Although you do sound a bit in shock about it all, I'm not sure you've processed it really yet in your head. Might want a private chat with your counsellor on that. It's amazing how grief can hide itself, honestly. And it would be normal to feel grief here, you've potentially lost your marriage. You've potentially lost your husband.

He's made a big mistake and has handled it so badly. Telling the kids was awful of him. It's unlikely he will end up with her I think though, and he will no doubt get smacked across the head (either figuratively or literally) by his parents and eventually see sense. Its up to you what you do with him at that point.

If it were me, I'm not sure I'd want him back. Maybe that's just because I'm only in the early stages of a long term relationship (not married but engaged), but I'd be pretty heart broken if I found out my fiance had a crush on someone he knew from work or a hobby. It does and will happen no doubt, but they shouldn't be making it obvious or letting it affect their relationship with you. Your husband let it affect his relationship with you, and his kids now in a very bad way. Over what will likely amount to nothing, and if it does, the kids will always know and feel like he rejected them. Even if it doesn't, they will feel that way.

I don' t think it is a crush, its sounds like a obsession. He is totally consumed by her to the point he can't see anything else, even his own children (the urgency in which he told them.. like he can't wait to be free to pursue her..
I understand you want to work on it, the problem is I v much doubt he does. I think he is grateful for the time and space to devote to his obsession now without having to pretend with you.
He will get over it most likely.. they burn brightly but normally burn out pretty quickly but I don't know how you go back to normal after it is all done
When you switch your focus to someone else, its normal to lose complete interest in the person you are with, in this case you. His love has transferred from you to her. If you want it to work out the only way I see it is to shock him into seeing what he is going to lose. If he thinks he can indulge in his fantasy and then come back to you when it is all over you will be onto a loser.
I can totally understand why you don't want to throw it all away for a "crush" the problem is from what you have written it sounds like he does. I really wish you all the best, its just so bizarre. One conversation and he thinks they are soul mates, what an utter fool.

Wearingtshirt you might be right but I don’t know the answer to that. I don’t want to be with him if he doesn’t want to be with me. I’m deserve better than that and so does he. I want us both to noble happy and that might mean not being together. We’ll cross that bridge when we come to it. At the moment I think neither of us know properly what we want and hopefully counselling will help with that.

ChocolateDove I am still processing things and there is a lot at stake. When he told the kids he absolutely made it clear it wasn’t about them. He told them he loved me and he loved them but he felt confused and mixed up. He wanted to leave to sort himself out. It wasn’t his finest moment but the kids did not in any way feel unloved or rejected. There isn’t much more I can say about this. It was shit and not at all what he should have done but he did.

If it’s over then we’ll come to that conclusion in time. All I’m saying is that we both feel there is something to fight for. Things might change but it takes time to think these things through.

People don't see things until they are ready to.

workshy44 he’s not left to pursue her and if he does then it’s over. I have been very clear about that. He was absolutely all consumed by it, he says he’s never had any feelings for or fancied anyone else since we got together. I think experiencing these feelings really shocked him and instead of seeing it for what it was he gave it much more significance. Now it’s a few weeks on he can see that it’s probably a crush and like somebody has already said how you respond to those feelings is a choice.

He now needs to make a choice.

Tbh I think if his crush found out how he feels about her and the damage it's caused at home for his wife and kids then she'd be absolutely mortified and would avoid him at all costs.If it got out at work it would ruin his reputation.

Honestly he's having a ML crisis and this is a fantasy.Try reading the "script" from midlife crisis for dummies.

What he's putting the kids through is unfair and emotionally damaging.

It often seems to be the case where mid life crisis male leaves his family and then discovers he's lonely,doesn't like having to do everything himself eg cooking,cleaning etc and it's very expensive covering his living costs himself on just his salary and paying maintenance.

I’m in my mid 30s. The thought of a married 50 year old work colleague having a crush on me and then discussing this crush with another colleague makes me feel pretty sick. Has your DH thought about this from the OW’s point of view? Being obsessed with a younger work colleague is not going to end well for anyone.

Where will he go if you throw him out?🤔

Of course we only know what you’ve told us.

In my opinion, from what you’ve said, you do indeed have your head in the sand. You clearly don’t see what is all around you, your husband is showing you he is and who he values. And it’s not you.

Do you really think if he wanted to be with you he would tell the kids he is infatuated with someone other than their mother and that he is leaving for that reason? That’s a real crappy move from him.

How old are your kids? What kind of example are you setting for them?

Howfar12 I’ve already said he’s gone to his parents. I didn’t kick him out I asked him to leave.

Heismyopendoor we’ll have to agree to disagree then. I think I’m better placed to make decisions about what my husband values. Not once have I suggested that him telling the kids was ok. I’ll keep my kids ages out of this thread but clearly the implication is I’m setting a bad example.

OP, I'm sorry if I've missed this, but have you asked him what would have happened if she'd reciprocated and the relationship between them had developed? If not I think I would need that conversation.

Also it's important to consider if you believe that he would have cheated if given the opportunity. I don't know him, but by messaging her he's given the impression that he wanted things to head in that direction. That would be game over for me.

It's a crush,yes, and it could happen to any of us, but I think the only acceptable course of action is to shut it down by minimising contact with the person. Any other course of action (particularly seeking them out) would destroy all trust.

Given you’ve asked him to leave you obviously have assessed his not trying to fix things suitably but this conversation is oddly skipping over that a bit. I’m team it’s salvageable but only if he pulls his head out. If he’s such a good moral guy like you say why couldn’t he do any of these three things? Put his ring on in the morning? It’s perhaps subconsciously but that does seem like he’s really not committed to you and your marriage rather than just struggling with these new feelings.
Also, he’s packed up and gone to his parents , how on earth could your kids see this as anything other than directly related to dad saying he’s leaving? Not arguing with your view it wasn’t as traumatic for them as it sounds but thinking they now think it’s ‘to look after his parents’ sounds honestly delusional op, I’m sorry.

So sorry to hear about this OP. I hope the space helps him come to his senses.

You sound like a truly wonderful person. You’re being so fair and understanding and I don’t blame you for not wanting to hastily throw away a long marriage.

Stay strong

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly yes we talked about that. He was very remorseful and said he just wondered what would happen. Clearly he was initiating contact outside of work. He says he would never physically cheat and as I’ve said he’s always been moral about those kind of things. Ultimately who knows what he’d have done, he said that he felt like he was going mad.

It’s been about 5/6 weeks since his outburst with the kids and things have been good since then. It’s hard to go into lots of detail without sharing too much. He’s been dropping off shopping for his parents and they are elderly so it’s not really that far fetched that he would go and stay there to help. Whilst I’m angry with him the decision for him to leave was made very calmly. We still love each other and want each other to be happy. We just need to decide if that means together or apart.

Thanks Summergarden I’m trying my absolute best to stay calm and rational. I’m sure that will only last for so long.

"I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing."

I think you already know, but it's a massive upheaval. As someone who was in your position 5 years ago I knew too. I don't write my posts to hurt, I write because you half want honesty. To the part that can hear it, an ending is the start of a new beginning.