DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

I would always say follow your gut feeling. I hope things work out well for you and you can work things out.

Meaniebobeanie and Robin233 like you both say it’s possible to get over but you have to commit to not indulging It. I feel like this crush is the symptom of us neglecting our relationship. It’s forced us to think about what we both want and what we need to do to work on us. I suppose it’s been a bit of a wake up call.

FFS
I must have read 300+ posts over the years written by married women who have developed a crush on someone. It happens and i suspect quite a few of didn't behave quite as innocently as the portrayed themselves on here.

It will die a death and not worth ending your marriage over

Sarcelle it is 100% cringe. She clearly likes him given the videos and photos I’ve seen from the party. Nothing sexual but just colleagues having fun in a group. He looks a lot younger than his years and is far from sleazy but I know exactly what you mean. It’s like he went a bit insane. It really is textbook midlife crisis and I’m embarrassed for him. I also feel sorry for him because he’s been completely blindsided by it all and his head has gone.

thatsoundsfun that’s how I feel...I think it’s normal to develop crushes and like you say I’ve read threads on here about it. He’s been a complete knob in the way he’s dealt with it but I don’t feel like it’s worth ending our marriage over. He has honestly been the model husband prior to this. I will end our marriage if he can’t stop indulging in it.

Don't tell me...your relationship will come through this and be "stronger" for the betrayal

You seem like a savvy lady. Had you noticed you are talking in absolute cliches ?

I think the Chumplady website would help you to see things as they really are

So AF why do you never post anything when married women post about their crushes?

Your usual style would be along the lines of ‘your husband has my sympathy’

But never seen you utter a word

But she's not ending her marriage, he is.
He told the kids (awful thing to do)
He's not trying with counselling.
He's behaving like this.
Don't be second best, it never works out.
I have a feeling more will come out, maybe not to do with her but something isn't right.

AnyFucker so far his betrayal has been developing feelings for somebody else. I think that happens a lot in marriages. If he’d told her how he felt, if he’d kissed her or had any sexual contact with her it would be over. If it turns out he has done any of these things and he’s not been completely honest then it will be over. If this was part of an overall pattern of behaviour or if he’d ever done anything like this before then it would be over. I’m struggling to see the cliches but hey it’s not the worst thing I’ve ever been accused of I will have a look at the website, I’m sure I’ve had a look at it in the past when it’s been recommended on these threads.

Relationships have ups and downs. This is his first transgression so forgive me for not ending things just yet. That doesn’t mean I won’t

Aerial2020 he told the kids which wasn’t good. He is trying with counselling and has fully engaged in that. I asked him to leave and he has. He is really trying actually but I felt he wasn’t trying hard enough.

@thatsoundsfun you haven't been stalking me enough

Try harder

Sorry you are going through this Op think you are getting a hard time off some people you are clearly not stupid

These things happen probably more often than some seem to think, it doesn’t make it right but also I can’t blame you for not wanting to end a 20 year marriage without trying

The part that does stick out most for me though is him saying what he did in front of the dc seems A bit over the top Just make sure if and when you decide he returns home that he is prepared to do the work you need him to but I’m sure you will

Have you considered the long term damage to your dc if he comes back?

clumsyduck I think he was just really emotional and said completely the wrong thing. When it all came out he’d not been eating or sleeping properly and I just don’t think he was himself. As I’ve said there is no defending that. The kids were upset but after some honest conversations they understood and forgave him. Adults don’t always get it right. He was trying to be honest and completely fucked up.

Yes I did wonder that if it was more of a ok iv fucked Up I’ll leave in a dramatic feeling sorry for himself way rather than actually meaning it

Hope things work out for you 👍

Windyatthebeach the kids think he’s gone to help their elderly grandparents whilst we’re on lockdown. Have you thought about the long term damage to the kids if we divorce? The kids are fine and they are my top priority. He might have clumsily done the wrong thing in telling them but he’s a good dad. Don’t tell me good dads don’t develop crushes on colleagues

Thankfully I’m much better at talking to the kids about these things.

Clumsyduck I think that’s exactly what it was. Thank you, I hope so too.

He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids

I couldn’t forgive that, either from a husband or a father. I think you’re kidding yourself that these can all be brushed under the carpet.

He's really trying? But you feel like he's not trying hard enough?
Re read your initial thread OP. That's not what you wrote. You gace him 3 boundaries and he didn't try. He doesn't even want to wear his wedding ring?
He should be fighting for his marriage. He should be fighting for you.
He seems very luke warm and feeling sorry for himself.
Let him leave and sort himself out. (As you are doing)There is nothing you can do here, he's a grown up.
Sadly I still think more will come out and he is not the man you think you know.
But its your marriage and you do what's best for you.

Imo damage is done. They know he isn't happy living with them...
That's what they will think.
Maybe a reality check of parenting 50 /50 will distract him from his crisis..

Aerial2020 he was wearing his wedding ring but sometimes was forgetting to put it back on in the morning after taking it off at night. It was a small thing that meant a lot to me.

I agree he should be fighting for his marriage and doing whatever it takes. I’ve asked him to leave because I don’t feel like he’s doing this. Some of this is about how we both communicate our expectations and how we express how we feel. Lockdown has made things even harder because there is no escape from each other and we can’t talk properly with the kids around. I felt like we both needed some time apart to really think about what we want. He’s left and so now we’ll do that.

Smellbellina he’s left our family home on my request. We’re going to relationship counselling, how is that brushing things under the carpet? He’s apologised and he knows he’s fucked up. I’ve given minimal details of what happened in my post. It’s very easy to say what you’d do when it’s not you. It’s all very black and white until you’re in that situation.

The issue for me would be that the only reason things haven't gone further is because the other woman wasn't welcoming of it. If it was up to him however, things would be much further along. That is the problem. Would he have gone on to have a full blown affair and leave you for her? Maybe, maybe not. But it seems likely. The question is, what happens when he comes across another women down the line who he 'has a connection with' and she's all for it..

thesnackbitch he didn’t approach her about a relationship he messaged her about something innocuous once and that was it. Who knows what would have happened if she’d have interacted more enthusiastically and I can’t comment on what he might do in the future. I think our marriage is worth working on but a lot depends on if he can convince me he’s fully committed. If he can’t demonstrate the commitment I need then I’ll be happy to walk away.

I feel so sorry for you having to go through all of this. If this is simply a crush from a distance this can 100% be worked on. I think he will go away and realise how important his family is to him and you will be in a stronger position to set the ground rules going forward.

My only worry is how far this crush has gone it sounds very drastic to tell the children he likes someone else who he has seen at a few work drinks. Are you not intrigued to find out her opinion on this. I would want to call her and get the facts. You will have reassurance nothing further has gone on or the truth if something has. Maybe he needs to listen to the phone call and get a dose of reality

@crushingmesoftly I get where you are coming from. I've been in a similar position and while it wasn't easy, we got through it. Although we did separate for a lengthy amount of time.

The way I see it - marriage is a choice. Being faithful is a choice. He allowed himself to get caught up in his own feelings and that was a choice. I get the feelings part was not but he allowed those feelings to grow AND he acted on them. This is not an unfortunate event that has happened to him. He made a series of choices leading to where you are now. And he needs to find a way to prove to you that he will never be making those choices again. My advice would be - don't help him navigate this, don't tell him how to fix it, step away and use this time for you.