DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

He never said to his kids he was leaving for the OW - there's no OW, she doesn't even know what's happening!

His kids didn't know that!!!!!

Unless op has left it out he didn't say he had feelings for another woman - who knows absolutely nothing about his feelings and does not return any feelings - and I think I should move out.

The kids would probably naturally assume, as anyone would, that moving out/leaving his family would be a very strange and extreme thing to do unless she did reciprocate some feelings and he was possibly involved with her to some extent - or at the very very least that he was intending to pursue something with her.

His kids didn't need to know anything - anything about his crush, they shouldn't have been told, he should never ever have said what he did.

It's absolutely fkg bonkers and that is my problem with him - not the crush, but the fact he did that to his kids.

Bluntness100 are you actually reading what I’ve written? I honestly give up!

I need to do what I said ages ago and step back from this thread. Thank you to everyone who took the time to reply

*I do think you need to accept though there is more to this. No one leaves a happy marriage because they fancy someone they work with who they have only chatted to a couple of times. No one .... or he was looking for an out.

I'm afraid I have to say I agree with this.

I think you're being drawn into focusing on his crush but noone would leave their wife, family & home over a crush - there is something going on with him, he had displaying appalling cruelty to his kids (and to you) and I have a feeling his lack of commitment will crop up again (even if he does return to the family home).

Is anyone on Mumsnet ever encouraged to give their partner the benefit of the doubt and give their relationship a chance?🤔

Though as a pp said, Mumsnet would tell you to LTB if they forgot to pull the bins out, so why am I surprised.

@CrushingMeSoftly

Your DH is not a dick, he's just human(means capable of making mistakes, including with his children), and you know it.
Sending good wishes your way.

Wow 15 years on MN and finally been called a troll.

There's huge social pressure on women to "work" at their marriages/relationships in a way that men are not expected to, and you see women on here trying to "work through" being treated like absolute shit for years and years.

Leave The Bastard is a fantastic affirming message. Having any old crappy relationship with a man because being alone is stigmatised is not worth it. Women need to be supported in choices to leave when it's shit and they're treated disrespectfully.

Plus usually by the time you're posting about your relationship on Mumsnet, you already know something is deeply wrong with it.

but noone would leave their wife, family & home over a crush

Mine did. The girl in question hardly knew he existed. But he took the fact he was so deeply besotted with her as a sign that our relationship was a sham.

It was actually more likely that he was having a breakdown over failing his course (a course universally regarded as practically impossible to fail - they bend over backwards to get people to pass). He'd never failed anything before. He focussed on 'another woman' to save from having to face what was really wrong, ie him.

So yes, sometimes they do leave over nothing.

I agree with not wanting to throw 20 years away over this. You were right to ask him to leave. He needs to be worried about losing you - all the understanding, going to counselling and so on is allowing him to feel you'll be there as back up when he's sorted his head out. Do not let him think that. If and when you are talking to him, you need to take the line that assumes it's over - about sorting out who has the kids when, about how you will get your own chance now to think about a new relationship. Let him see how he feels about you with someone else, about someone else spending family time with his kids, and then see how attractive a split looks. I will PM this too in case the thread goes south.

Best advice here:
The best advice I can give (from experience) is stop contact as much as possible. Put together a short term action plan for the children/finances via email and step back from him. Don't get involved with idle chit chat with him, don't ask him how his day went etc. Leave him alone. Focus on yourself. Make it clear you can no longer except this disrespect from him. He needs to know what his life will be without you. Do not offer him any comfort. There's nothing you can do about this, he has to work through it himself.

Heh, Mumsnet is amazing at times, if posters don't manage to convince you that your partner is abhorrent they will make out that you're the one with the problem for not being able to perceive it. (Because after all some posters know better about your situation than you do yourself).

I always find it ironic on threads where OPs need support that they are often belittled by repliers in the same way that their husbands are accused of doing.

On occasion it can be frighteningly like a re-enactment of an abusive relationship.... I know better than you and if you can't see it there is something wrong with you.

I’ve been thinking of you, Crushing.

Some thoughts:
Your H cannot fully engage in couples counseling or make rational decisions about the marriage as long as he gives oxygen to his infatuation via SM, personal interactions with the W, mentionitis with friends, etc. I hope the counselor has confronted the incongruity in his agreement to work on the marriage while continuing to channel emotional energy elsewhere, which undermines the counseling and rebuilding process.

This is all about feelings that have been stirred up about himself. He is attracted to the buzz and ego boost of their “clicking,” and it involves his self-image that reflects from the W like a mirror. Perhaps he is drawn to a younger version of himself or feels entitled to a secret adventure. He selfishly chose to cross a line. If truly committed, he will need to dig deep in individual counseling to examine his character elements and the external triggers that enabled him to weaken his boundaries and attach so strongly to this boost, to the detriment of his wife and children.

I would struggle to get over feeling like second best but if I was otherwise happy and thought my DH was going through a midlife crisis or something then I would probably give him another chance - knowing that I am taking that risk of him having feelings for someone else.

However, I could never forgive someone who made up their minds so much that they dragged the kids into it. I think that was a step too far.

OP
On the basis no one has said anything novel or interesting for the last 8 pages I’d step away from your phone and get on with your life. Nothing to see here thats for sure.

So yes, sometimes they do leave over nothing

I’m sorry, I know this is harsh, but no one leaves a happy relationship over nothing, if someone leaves for “nothing” then it was because they are fundamentally unhappy in the first place and looking for an out.

Your partner didn’t leave over nothing, he left because he no longer wished to be in the relationship,

This is 100% always the case, when a relationship ends it is absolutely always because one or both parties wish that to happen.

You know, OP, I witnessed something that reminds me of your situation. Though a lot of circumstances are different (the couple was very young, had ben together since they were 17/18 years old, were at the time in their mid twenties, had no kids involved):

One day the guy confessed to his fiance - out of the blue - that he had developed feelings for someone else. He had not acted on it, did not intend to act on it. He just wanted to be honest and work things out. Still loved her. And she left him. Period. (As I said, no kids involved...). He was stunned, heart broken, had not expected it.

I was flabbergasted. Not sure if she had in reality had other/additional reasons to leave, but officially she left him over this confession. To this day I do not think that this is a reason to leave.

Limerence happens. And I can't see why admitting to it in itself should be a deal breaker. I can't. (Involving the kids in the drama is not ideal, obviously.)

My ex confessed after we had been married 6 months that he had feelings for someone else. It was the beginning of the end for me though we were married for over 20 years, I could never fully trust him. Only looking back i realised how deeply his confession shattered me.
I cant regret staying as I have my lovely children, but that feeling of not being enough cuts so deep

My partner did a similar thing. we had been together 18 years. 16 very happy, the last two were more difficult following the birth of our youngest son who was quite a difficult baby.

He went to a family wedding without me. He had been having a shit time and at the end of the night he was drunk and ended up chatting to pretty young girls who was waiting for her cab, before she left they ended up snogging.

He said to start with he was disgusted with himself and was going to fess up and try and work on on our relationship, he didn't realty think much of her, but when he got home he couldn't do it, over the next few weeks he became more distant because of guilt and he began to fantasize about the woman.

When it finally came out he said he was confused that he loved me, yet thinking about what had happened was so exciting, like us at the start. Surely that meant our relationship was over?

Initially I jumped into save relationship mode, then a month or so later he had sort of slipped back to normality, I found my anger and slung him out because I couldn't be 2nd best.

I think this gave him time to realise the OW was just a stupid fantasy and he begged to come back.

That was nearly 6 years ago now. Since then we get on very well, he always tries hard to prove he loves me but to be honest I hold a bit of me back now and am still disappointed in him. A couple of years ago I developed a huge crush on someone else. He is married to so I never let on or did anything, but the strength of feeling did shake me up and look at things a little differently. Limerance is a mighty powerful thing.

Good luck whatever happens

I don't think you are fine OP.
I think you've done the sensible thing and gone into autopilot coping mode.
I don't know how anyone could be 'fine' after their 20 relationship being on the rocks. There must be some feeling there that isn't fine. But only you will know what that is as you'll be feeling it.
Take your time, prob away from this thread, to process it all. People are giving their opinions because you asked and they may have been through similar.
But process it in your own time.

deepwater maybe she was looking for an “out” and the confession gave her a solid reason to leave and one family and friends would accept rather than leaving just because she felt the relationship had run it’s course for her, his confession may have been her escape route without having to be the bad guy.

Hi, I'm sorry you are going through this now when everything else in the world seems to be so uncertain also..... you said in an earlier post something along the lines of contacting the 'OW', if you do decide to do this have you thought about going to see her, obviously socially distancing... but explaining the situation to her, maybe embarrassing him will bring him to his senses, as you've so put it, it seems one sided and your husband seems he's in Limerence and if she doesn't feel the same he will soon snap out of it and come to his senses.

Hi OP. You sound a lovely person - strong, positive, loyal, trustworthy and trusting. And because you are honest and trusting, it's natural for you to take your H at his word.

However, he didn't want you to look at his phone in case you "misconstrued" things. He denied anything untoward at first but then it all came out. So he is capable of deceit.

When it comes to his phone and what you saw on it, that was some time ago - so how can you be sure that he doesn't have a second phone?

I do think you've had some very good advice on this thread from those who've sadly trodden the same path. But I don't think you are ready to see the truth yet. It's okay though - that's what humans do when traumatised. It's a survival technique and a shock absorber, kind of like an airbag in this car crash of a seriously weird scenario - the facts of which (to me) don't add up. There is a massive piece of the puzzle missing, which will be revealed, I'm sure, in due course.

When we're left reeling through heartache, lies, betrayal and abandonment, we can't see clearly in the eye of the storm. We're just thrashing about in agony, trying to grasp at whatever wisps of truth we can, and the truth is often elusive. Yet even when it's staring us in the face, we may not be capable of comprehending the enormity of it.

You will not see the situation clearly until you have all the facts, and detached yourself from him, and of course that won't happen overnight.

Something that has helped me in troubled relationships is cutting off contact - it is only then that you can start to find your own clarity. Time away from him is a gift, although your kids' relationship with him will continue. But you can minimise your contact with him still.

I agree with WinterSunglasses. I don't mean to be unkind but he is too sure of your devotion to him. What motivation is there for him to work on his marriage if he knows you're waiting patiently, believing in him and ready to forgive? I would distance myself from him as much as you possibly can, limit all communications to the essentials, ie no chatting or ruminating over "the situation" when he picks up the kids. Don't enquire after him and tell him nothing. More ice, less nice.

I'll always remember the story of a DH who found out about his DW's affair. He told her their marriage was over and made her leave the marital home and she moved into a flat, where she was thoroughly miserable. After six months of this, and her asking him for another chance, he finally agreed . She wanted nothing more to do with the OM and said it was "a mistake never to be repeated". I believe this is because her DH instilled in her a real fear of loss, not with words but with actions.

All this may not bring your DH back, but down the line you will be glad that you acted with strength and dignity. Wishing you well. xx

Oh op. I’m so sorry. He sounds awful.