DH has a crush on someone else

[CrushingMeSoftly]

I’ve no idea where to start with all this but I’m hoping the wisdom of Mumsnet will help me think clearly.

I started noticing that my DH was becoming distant, grumpy and had stopped being affectionate. He made no effort on Valentines Day which was unusual. My spidery senses started and I decided to look at his phone...he’d changed the code.

I confronted him, asked him what was going on and told him I needed to look at his phone which he refused. After a difficult conversation he said he was worried if I looked at his phone I “might misconstrue some messages”. I had a look but couldn’t find anything. I did notice he’d added a work colleague to Facebook and he’d messaged her on Valentine’s Day, a very normal everyday message about the kids but something felt off.

We carried on another couple of weeks and he went out a couple of times and got absolutely smashed which was completely out of character. Whilst he was drunk and asleep I decided to look at his phone again and found lots of messages between him and a male colleague where it was clear they were talking about him having a massive crush on a female colleague...the one he’d messaged on Valentines Day. It was clear from the messages that this woman had no idea, nothing had gone on but from his perspective he was clearly spending a lot of time thinking about her.

I confronted him the next day, he initially denied it and then broke down and told me everything. They’d had a works do, gopher spent some time talking to her and they just really clicked. He’s done nothing about it, there was nothing more than a friendly chat but he can’t stop thinking about her. He says he still loves me, is in love with me but these feelings won’t go away. He then tells me and the kids he’s got feelings for someone else and us leaving us. Cue hysterics from the kids and me being just completely floored.

We talk it through and both recognise that we’ve lost our way and need to put effort into our relationship. He was due to go to another work event that weekend which he still went to and despite everything we’d said he got drunk again. This woman was there and I suspect that was why he still had to go.

I suggested relationship counselling which he agreed to and we’ve been around 3 times now. Things have been better but I said I had three conditions to us trying. He had to wear his wedding ring, he had to stop interacting with her on social media and he had to make an effort. He has failed on all three. He keeps forgetting to wear his ring. Mother’s Day saw no real effort and It was my birthday last week and he made barely any effort. The nail in the coffin was this weekend when l realised he’s started following her on Instagram.

I’ve told him he needs to leave. I think lockdown isn’t helping but he’s far too comfortable having a life with me whilst mooning over her. I’m 99.9% sure this woman has no idea and there has been no physical contact. From looking at his phone she politely replied to his message on Valentines Day but was by no way encouraging anything.

I’ve been putting off posting here because I know I’ll get some hard truths but I need to hear it. Tell me what I should be doing.

@Bluntness100

I’m sorry, I know this is harsh, but no one leaves a happy relationship over nothing, if someone leaves for “nothing” then it was because they are fundamentally unhappy in the first place and looking for an out.

Your partner didn’t leave over nothing, he left because he no longer wished to be in the relationship,

This is 100% always the case, when a relationship ends it is absolutely always because one or both parties wish that to happen.
----------

The thing is happiness is not an all or nothing phenomenon, it exists in degrees, and there are also perceptions of increased achievable happiness, which may or may not be realistic.

You may have one person who accepts 20% happiness in their relationship and does not perceive increased happiness beyond it. That's a really sad situation for them and you can see the value of this site as many women on threads are being encouraged to see brighter futures ahead of them and take the steps towards getting there.

But you may have another person that has 95% happiness in their relationship, but perceives 98% happiness beyond it, and makes decisions to try to grasp that and cheats, or leaves, whatever. The grass is greener phenomenon does exist; sometimes it is greener but not always.

Happiness can also be time-framed, and some people hedonistically rush towards immediate gratification rather than considering long-term overall happiness (and I put no value -judgement on that; if someone is focussed on short-term gratification that's their prerogative, although they shuld probably ensure they have relationships with people who feel similar.) This is especially the case when a person has had a reminder that life is short - a bereavement etc. Life is short, but sometimes it is also too long for bad short term decisions.

Uh
Op asked him to leave
She has repeated this Information a few times ......

Suggestions please, I don’t disagree with you, but in my experience people don’t simply walk out of a long term marriage with kids, and even inform the kids there is someone else, because they fancy someone they work with and have chatted to a couple of times.

Telling the children and leaving the home is a very, very big deal indeed and it is not something done lightly by anyone.

The op may have ultimately told him to go, but he didn’t beg to stay, he didn’t refuse, and he didn’t declare his foolishness. He may have made out to his male colleague there was nothing going on, but that clearly doesn’t remotely mean there isn’t. Simply that he has decided not to divulge this to his colleague. Him and the woman may be being cautious on text.

Instead of meeting the ops conditions he has deliberately not done so, and even worse escalated his behaviour, even moving to following this woman on Instagram.

I really hope it works out for the op. But I have to be honest, it looks like there is a lot more going on here than she is aware of, or that he has revealed, and it is best for her to prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

I agree with Bluntness.
It seems very odd that he’s doing the opposite of cake eating, he’s having no cake, the woman at work according to him isn’t interested and he’s not living with his wife and D.C. either.

OP, if you are still reading, I think you've handled the situation brilliantly. Sadly, MN world is one of its own, where men are either perfect as totally devoted to their partner and prepared to do everything for them or bound to be bastards. Nothing in between.

In the real world, men are not so different to women. They experience they themselves don't always comprehend. They can have feelings for someone without ending up in bed with that person.

Sadly what your oh is going through us indeed stereotypical of the mid life crisis, just like women going through the menopause act in very stereotypical ways too. What he is experiencing will be very scary for him too and he will feel he's lost all control over his emotions. If you do care to have him back, watch that he doesn't fall into depression, such men often do.

My father went through it, exactly the same except it went further. He knew the younger lady was only using him for his money but it was like an addiction. He broke it off but fell into bad depression afterwards for the first time in his life. He slowly recovered and somehow made it work with my stepmum. 20 years later and they are very happy together and that episode forgotten.

A female colleague of mine is also going through the same with her OH. He was the perfect family man and husband but had a sudden crush on someone at the gym and that turned him into a complete teenager in every way. They are just trying to rebuild their marriage but like my dad, the battle now is not about the girl but his depression as he has become emotionless and that's very hard to deal with. He initially refuse to take anti depressants but has now agreed. They both hope it will help and turn things around.

Hang in there OP.

@suggestionsplease1, I completely agree with you.

It is all about expectations. Some people will expect the hedonistic phase of relationships to continue and when that phase wanes they feel unhappy. However longterm relationships will have peaks and troughs and too often people divorce without knowing how painful and difficult it can be and the grass may not be greener. I actually think this applies more to men than women, as perhaps due to childcare, they accept the "normal" of some drudgery in life.

Also I think entitlement plays a part which we know is a trend within society. People feel entitled to happiness but some times life is difficult, maybe because you have to support a partner through career or health issues, when you would rather not!

Divorce rates are higher in certain age ranges which suggest external factors do play a part. Happiness as they say is an "inside job".

I don't advocate staying married at any cost, certainly not when one partner is abusive but I think unhappily married people might need to look within first.

Unlike an earlier poster I know many people who appear to leave marriages because they have fallen in lust with someone else.. a few years down the line they are back to the same situation. It is why 2nd & 3rd marriages have an even higher rate of failure.

When someone is in the middle of a middle life crisis - of course there is a lot going on.

It's a time when you reassess your life and often think :

Is that it?

50 is usually typical age to for this. Very dangerous time for men.

It's not great for anyone actually but if you can get through the other side, you become stronger and happier.

In my mid forties I experienced empty nest syndrome and it hit me hard.

My father went through it, exactly the same except it went further. He knew the younger lady was only using him for his money but it was like an addiction. He broke it off but fell into bad depression afterwards for the first time in his life. He slowly recovered and somehow made it work with my stepmum. 20 years later and they are very happy together and that episode forgotten.

Everyone's different, but I wouldn't hang around to see my husband depressed over breaking up with his OW.

I know grieving a loss of any kind is genuine, but when you have no business getting in the position to experience that loss, I wouldn't be helping through it.

To be honest, I find women are more the ones to put up with this kind of nonsense.

Not many men would hang around while their wife is pining over the OM.

What @suggestionsplease1 wrote is one of the wisest things I've read on MN about long term relationships.

OP how are things?