OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

Not sure what you do now if you think he’s at it again and you don’t plan to leave him. But it wasn’t wise to make him stay with you by using blackmail. Why world you want someone who doesn’t want you and is possibly only with you because you threatened him with not seeing his child? It’s not up to you anyway, he may be a twat but he’s an equal parent to the two children you’ve both chosen to create.

Whether or not he’s cheating again you don’t trust him or you wouldn’t be snooping so the relationship is doomed.

Who is she?? Has he any way to actually see her? is she a very old friend for example? Do they have history?

Hi @AnneLovesGilbert you're right, I know it wasn't the smartest. I'm trying to be logical right now and ok, say he isn't cheating but why would he have the number in his phone? Thanks for any advice :)

Hi @MissMarks they met on a project but they don't work for the same company so he doesn't work with her. When I saw all the messages the first time, all I kept thinking was he uses words he's never used with me. It wasn't all sexual, there was some deep stuff in there. Believe me I'm not sticking up for him I just wanted you to know the truth that it wasn't all sexual

Well, he's still in contact with her and has lied about it for however long. Realistically it won't be restricted to online only after this length of time. So do you want to be with a cheat?

Hi @category12 thanks for replying :) no I don't. Do you think there is any way he is just keeping the number and not speaking to her? Sorry if this sounds dumb, I need to hear honesty from people..

Sorry OP

Your dh has shattered your trust. It was low of him to place ow under a fake name in a way of throwing you off scent. He has never stopped contact which was what he led you to believe.

Has there been consistent messaging since your first discovery?

I would mention it after taking photos of the messages. Your dh may be livid that you checked his phone but you found something so were right to follow your instincts.

No.

Why would he? It would be a huge risk for no pay-off.

He's just been more careful since you found out last time.

Hi @Faith50 I thought things were better he agreed to have another baby..maybe I've been really stupid

@category12 you're right, that number is there for a reason..it's a button a phone to block it, I know I have to ask him I'm just trying to work out why it's not at the very least deleted

Really feel for you.

Have I missed something where he could be chatting to her via an app/ email and deleting the messages?

If he wants to contact her he will, he'll just up his game and leave no trace.

I'd confront him and see his reaction.

He is hiding it from you which means you will struggle to trust him again. You're young, I assume, don't put up with it! Life still goes on and is even better when you aren't stuck with a cheater whom you have to check up on constantly. Sort out your finances and documents before you tell him that you know he has changed her name....

Say he has stopped speaking to her, surely then the number would be gone? I know this all sounds so silly I just need to hear rational normal honest people right now because my brain isn't! Thank you everyone for helping

Hi @Cahu58 I'm 32 so young..ish I know I my heads just gone

You were not to know your dh would stoop to such low levels in order to continue his double life. You have not been stupid. He deleted the number in your presence.

You need to decide what you want to do?

Hi @MrsP2015 I'm going to confront him tonight I'm just trying to get some things straight in my head first. There were no messages from her on WhatsApp but she was in his contacts other another name, yes maybe he's been deleting number or maybe he hasn't spoken to her which makes me wonder why he has kept the number?

@Faith50 you're right, also if he were happy with me, he'd have kept it deleted

The issue is him placing the number back in his phone and concealing with a fake name. This needs to be addressed.

When was last message sent/received?

He has betrayed you all over again and you found out by chance.

So he either deleted her number then re added it under a different name, or edited the existing contact to disguise the fact he still has it.

I suspect that he has remained in contact, just got better at hiding it.

Can't you delete conversations in Whatsapp?

I am unsure if you can check on Whatsapp if messages have been deleted. It is possible he has regularly deleted them.

What a mess. Ok, so him blocking her number in front of you was never going to be an end of things, that's just not what affairs are like. He got a heads up you knew so if he did decide to continue the affair he would just be more careful in future. Which makes it hard if you are looking for proof. Do you need proof? Can you leave anyway as you are not happy, or were you happy before you found this contact number? He might have just kept in touch with her, as friends, or as a just in case option, or he might have just kept having the affair. What do you want to do?

(Fwiw your threat to not let him see his children was really really horrible)

So he stayed because you threatened to not let him see his child and it’s been rocky ever since?

This is not a happy relationship, @Cupcakesaregood regardless of the cheating and texting.

Don’t you deserve genuine happiness? A relationship that’s not rocky? Someone who is with you because he wants to be and not because you blackmailed him into it?

I don’t know you and I’m sure you do!

@LouLouLoo @Faith50 you're both right either way she's made her way back in. Part of me is still clinging to maybe he hasn't spoken to her and just has the number? (Even though that still meant he put it back in after the initial finding out) it would be gone if he didn't care wouldn't it

@DeathByBoredom I know I shouldn't have said that. I said it in anger after discovering the messages because I was upset and I know it wasn't the right thing to say. But surely even keeping intouch as friends wouldn't have been right if he wanted to make a go of things with me?