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Original poster

OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

999 replies

Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 12:19

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 10/04/2020 14:19

@cupcakesaregood well he's lied to you again hasn't he? If he's said he deleted her number and it's back in his phone he's made a conscious decision to lie to you. He knows it's wrong as she's now under a different name.

Regardless if he's spoken to her or not he's continued to lie.

Regardless if he's spoken to her, he's continued to lie.

If he genuinely deleted her number how did he get it again?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 14:21

@copycopypaste you're right. There's a reason she is still in his phone

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 14:22

@TheFutureMrsHardy you're right. Maybe he checked out a long time ago. I just thought maybe he had checked back in

OP posts:
custardbear · 10/04/2020 14:27

In all honesty it doesn't look good. Personally I'd Be aloof with him, he'll come running if he feels his family was worth fighting for. I wouldn't put up with being second best to another woman, but that's a personal decision

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 14:28

@custardbear thank you, I know I'm sat here trying to gather my thoughts and feelings and I've taken everything on board. But let's be honest and this is me being honest with myself for a while - if he was happy with me, that number wouldn't be on his phone

OP posts:
Dontletitbeyou · 10/04/2020 14:32

He took the phone and deleted her number after you threatened time stop him seeing his child . This was done most likely to placate you , he may have been concerned that you would make good your threat .
On WhatsApp you can delete messages , With no trace that you have done so .So the fact that you can see no messages between them means nothing . He’s changed her name , kept her in contacts and has gone out of his way to hide it from you .
Maybe he loves you , but I think it’s highly likely that he is touch with her , why else risk keeping her details and the potential of you finding out . He’s cheating , emotionally, physically? . You seem to want to make excuses for him . That’s fine , everyone is, and should be ,totally free to make their own decisions in life. Some people are willing to overlook their partners deception in the hope things will sort themselves out , some walk .
Tbh just ask him , tell him what you found . His reaction should tell you a lot .

idontcare12 · 10/04/2020 14:35

I think you need to focus more on your own happiness and not his! Forget him. Are you happy with him? He doesn't seem like much of a catch

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 14:48

@idontcare12 you're right. Can I ask something though? If he didn't care for her, would the number be gone? I know this is something I need to ask him but I'm just wondering what your view is

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 14:51

@Cupcakesaregood why does it matter what people on here think about whether he cares for her or not?

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 14:53

@OhCaptain I'm just wondering because my brain isn't very rational right now and I think maybe hearing/seeing what others opinions are helps. That's a personal choice

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 15:00

I do understand that your mind is a mess right now (for valid reason) but everyone is saying that there is no reason for him to have it at all unless he still is or wants to be in contact with you.

If it was the one thing he had to do to save your marriage and respect your feelings, and regain your trust - and it was a tiny insignificant thing - he would have done it happily and willingly.

Instead he’s kept her number under a different name.

The facts are a hard pill to swallow but they are the facts! Sad

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 15:01

@OhCaptain thank you, I do appreciate you being so honest

OP posts:
Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 15:03

I'm sat here writing everything down (im a natural like note taker I can't help it helps me gather my thoughts) thank you for the honesty you've all given me so far

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idontcare12 · 10/04/2020 15:04

I don't think it necessarily means he cares for her. Some people with lower morals get a thrill from texting other people whilst in a relationship. I do think it shows that he doesn't respect you though. I also think in the long run, you would be much happier out of this relationship.

OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 15:04

I’m really sorry that you’re going through his, @Cupcakesaregood.

Take your notes if they’ll help! Just remember your worth - and what you deserve. Flowers

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 15:09

I know. I just keep thinking well in the periods of time they haven't been speaking weeks or months or days or whatever does that mean he is happy with me? I have been texting my friend about this and she was pretty brutal but I get it and appreciate it. She said 'if he was happy with you, her number wouldn't even be in the phone'

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 15:20

But she's right.

Why have her number?

And are you willing to settle for the possibility that maybe, sometimes, on the odd day he might feel kind of happy with you in between messaging her??

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 15:22

@OhCaptain you're so right. God do you know what I even asked her? 'Maybe he's forgot the number is even there'

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Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 15:25

And it gets worse, I also asked her 'maybe he doesn't want to hurt her feelings and that's why he's leaving it there'

OP posts:
FourDoughnutsForMe · 10/04/2020 15:27

I have my ex's number in my phone. Only so it's blocked. As far as I know if I delete the number it won't remain blocked?
I've been open & honest with my DH about why the numbers there. Also, if I delete it and he contacts me. I wouldn't know it was him and to ignore/not answer.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 15:28

@FourDoughnutsForMe you and your partner seem to have a trusting relationship it's good that you were able to tell him and exactly, he is blocked

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 15:28

Ok, but you know that's irrational because

A) even if he has forgotten NOW that the number is there, he still went out of his way to save it under a fake name when it was the one thing you asked him to do after cheating on you while you were pregnant and

B) she would have no idea whether he'd left it there or not, unless they were in touch and he'd told her and

C) that would still mean he was prioritising her feelings over yours. His wife.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 15:29

Surely though since finding out we are pregnant with number 2 this would be the time to delete/block her

OP posts:
OhCaptain · 10/04/2020 15:30

Why would he? He didn't the first time.

Original poster
Cupcakesaregood · 10/04/2020 15:30

@OhCaptain I wish I had a rational brain like yours..I'm sorry for all the stupid qs I'm just trying to get my head in a better place before tonight

OP posts:
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