OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

I recommend dumping his cheating arse.

He hasn’t even denied it. He kept the affair going and now suddenly he hasn’t spoken to her since this pregnancy?

There are three people in your marriage and the only one getting continually mistreated is you.

So, are you going to be a volunteer? Allow yourself to be treated this way?

Or are you going to take back control of your life?

He hasn’t been making you work at ALL. This whole time he hasn’t tried to make you work.

You might have. But he hasn’t.

He's hiding something if he has unblocked her and added her again under a different name. Just that in itself is a glaring fact. You have evidence of that. The rest who knows? He could be cautious and delete their chats. Could be not chatting to her. At the very least he wants to look at her Whatsapp photo.

Have you checked his email accounts? He could have one account especially for her.

I'm literally sat here trying to think why you'd keep someone's number if you're done with them

To try to reassure you, men do have female friends (platonic). He maybe just sees her as a friend he wants to keep, but changed her name so you wouldn't know. I have lots of male friends. I don't know how they feel, but to me they're just friends.

@izzywizzygood yes and normally I'd completely agree with you but they've been in an emotional affair with each other

But not physical? Maybe the feelings aren't that strong after all.

@izzywizzygood who knows at this point it may have been physical but surely if he wanted to make it work with me he'd have hot rid of the person he had been having an emotional affair with

I'm literally sat here trying to think why you'd keep someone's number if you're done with them

You're sat there doing that while he is sat elsewhere knowing you're upset and thinking so little of you he expects you to believe that yes, he did start talking to her again but stopped when you got pregnant again.

AND he's such a dick that he presumably thinks you should be grateful for that even if it was true?! I think we are falling on deaf ears here. You're fighting for a defence when he can't even be arsed to make one for himself.

You know why he's still got her number. Because they've been in touch more when he promised they wouldn't be. He's admitted that to you today. Don't get caught up in semantics. Has he hugged you and kissed you and said nice things and fought for you now he knows you're upset? It wouldn't fix things but it's even worse if he's just left you to it.

Don't be with someone so disrespectful. He thinks you're stupid / naive or he is so confident you don't think you can do better than him that he just isn't concerned.

@BackseatCookers I know. She's obviously an option for him if/when it goes tits up with us

I think he's right to be confident that she's just going to put up with it.

It has gone tits up.

@category12 exactly. You're so right. Why would he keep a number that isn't intending on using

Why would he keep a number that isn't intending on using

He wouldn’t.

And as for the suggestion that they might be platonic friends now? Sorry but no dice.

You don’t get to have an emotional affair (including sexual messages if I read OP right) then stay friends with the woman you did it with.

@OhCaptain I was just about to PM you to update you..needed that brain of yours. You're so right when he first said it my initial (internal) reaction was oh so maybe you're happy with me and the pregnancy and that's why you stopped speaking to her' but if that were the case he'd delete and lock that door

He has no respect for you. If he loved and respected you, and was sorry for his past behaviour, he'd have deleted the number.

Exactly.

And you know he’s been using the number because he told you he has.

Even if he did stop at pregnancy #2, does that mean that it’s ok that he’s spent the last few years doing this??

Sadly, he might still have an emotional pull to her and he can’t bring himself to delete the number - doesn’t mean he’s still in touch with her, just perhaps he’s not ready to server every connection to that part of his life.

You've all helped me so much today

@Ryah1 hi, yes you're right because if he didn't have that pull..it would be easy to delete/block

He has broken your heart for the second time. How do you recover from this? He saw your despair and upset from discovering his emotional affair and still pursued the ow.

If he cannot let go of ow then he cannot expect to have you in his life. Cutting ow off is to show you, you are the focus and he is willing to fight for your relationship. Anything less is far less than you deserve.

@Faith50 thank you, exactly having the number and just not speaking, that's not enough is it

doesn’t mean he’s still in touch with her, just perhaps he’s not ready to server every connection to that part of his life.

Except he said he stopped talking to her when @Cupcakesaregood got pregnant THIS time.