OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

They're not stupid! I can be rational because I'm not invested in it.

I do understand that this is your life, and your husband. You're entitled be a wreck!

Just - I worry that you're so willing to reach for excuses that when he throws one at you, you'll grab it and allow him to continue treating you this way.

And I promise you - you don't deserve that.

@OhCaptain thank you I think I know that too and that's why I'm trying to think what the possible reasons are for him having that number. But you're right with everything you've said

Ultimately it's up to you what you want to do. But if I can make a suggestion - keep looking for support, whether that's here or in real life.

Because there's a chance that whatever he tells you will be a lie and if you decide to stay with him you're going to need support down the line.

But again, I promise you, there are healthy, wonderful relationships to be had with men who will love and respect you. You don't need to waste your life with a selfish prick!

Thank you @OhCaptain you've been really kind and honest. I'm just exploring reasons and I guess that's why I made this thread to get other people's feedback and opinion whether I want to hear the things or not but the honesty means a lot and it's genuine because there's no biased involved

Sorry @OhCaptain pressed port too quickly..do you think if (and it's a huge if) things had fizzled out with her he would have got rid? I know I'm clutching at straws I just need your rational brain

@Cupcakesaregood at one point I deleted the number. Not sure how long after. But when I was 3+ years into my new relationship. I got a horrible vicious text from my ex. So that's why I keep it. To stop him contacting me

@FourDoughnutsForMe you took the strength to block it though which was good

It's possible. But actually pretty irrelevant because it doesn't change how he treated you, his wife and the woman he committed to.

Say he'd genuinely fallen in love with her - he could have left you. He could have done the right thing by everyone involved and not betrayed and disrespected, lied to and cheated on you - who hasn't done anything wrong.

Or she was a distraction, someone he was getting an extra-marital kick with. Again, not caring about you. The woman he's committed to. The woman pregnant with his child.

Either way, regardless of who she is and how he felt - he chose to treat you this shoddily. He knowingly and willingly acted that way.

If things had fizzled out and he'd gotten rid of her - it wouldn't change what he'd done. It wouldn't change how little he cared about or thought about you. And it wouldn't change the fact that he only pretended to delete her number, and only because he might not see his child.

And because he clearly didn't want to end his fun on the side, even if it had fizzled out with HER, there's nothing to say he wouldn't have done it with someone else.

His lack of caring for you through ALL of this is pretty astounding actually.

Really sorry for you, it's so hard for you especially being pregnant, you want things to be fine and stay happy with your family, but it looks like he's been at it again.

Maybe it's been on and off for years,casual sex? Because I can't see her waiting around for him all them years

Or maybe it is an emotional affair and they feel connected.

You know him better than us and if you're gut is telling you things are bad then go with it.

Either way he's a liar and shattered your trust, you are not wrong for looking when he's give you reason to doubt him.

@OhCaptain you're right. I feel like I'm making ridiculous excuses for him now. The number is on the phone and it's not because he doesn't care about her or because things have fizzled and doesn't want to hurt her feelings, that's just me being irrational

I think it is. I'm sorry. I know that probably sounds harsh. But you really deserve better!

No @OhCaptain i honestly appreciate your honesty harsh or not because it's truthful

Think of it this way OP, stop focusing on what it means about how much he may or may not care about her.

Regardless of that the fact remains that he didn't care enough about you to be willing to permanently delete her number.

He broke your trust by having an inappropriate relationship with someone else - trust gone.

Then you laid down an ultimatum (one I think was shocking and I'm sure you regret it because you weaponised your child but I think you do know that now) and he made his choice which was to delete her number and stay with you.

You now know he didn't stick to that choice because he re added her - trust gone again.

You'll now give him another ultimatum which will be to delete her again. But you'll never trust him again properly. And the relationship is too damaged and strained to be healthy.

It's turned toxic and it's shit when it happens but that's real life and you have to be the adults in this situation, accept them relationship trust isn't salvageable and focus on coparenting healthily and modelling healthy relationships to your kids.

@BackseatCookers thank you, I agree with everything you're saying. I guess I just thought because we are having another baby that now out of any time would be the perfect time to get rid of her

But will you ever really trust him again?

Or equally importantly will you ever feel secure in your relationship and his strength of feeling for you again?

I've been with cheats and split up with them well after I found out about the cheating, despite initially staying together, because I couldn't get over the disrespect and resentment I felt. It turns you into a different person and I hated the person it turned me into - anxious and snarky and passive aggressive.

If you're in a relationship where you can't be your best self, the version of you that you like best, it's not a healthy relationship.

She's a red herring, you are focusing all of your attention on the relationship between them, past present and future.

Remove her from the equation and it still sounds like the relationship isn't healthy because all the damage has been done. You gave him a lifeline and he let you down, again, so you're unlikely to be able to move past that completely.

You also said something in my opinion unforgivable (re not letting him see his son / using your son as a stick to beat him with) that he too might not be able to move past completely.

I think you'll end up poisoning each other's self image and behaviour to be honest.

Sorry, but you only hide things
When you don’t want to be found out
He’s kept the number and put a different name to it because
A. He still contacts her
B. He’s kept it for future, just in case

He said he hasn't spoken to her since we found out I was pregnant..but still why hasn't he taken the number out then!? Sorry for posting I just need to hear normal answers

He did get rid of her number tho... he's put it back since.

This isn't anything to do with you op. This boils down to the fact he's got so little respect for you, he feels he can put her number back in his phone. He knows its wrong, other wise he'd have told you and used her proper name

@copycopypaste no I mean I've just had it out with him there, I told him I knew about her number being in the phone Andre said 'I haven't spoken to her since we found out we were pregnant this time' he's keeping her on the backburner isn't he

You're getting normal answers but I understand you're looking for a way for them to be wrong because you don't want it to change everything.

As I said before, whatever the reason he put the number back on for it doesn't change the fact he didn't care enough about you not to do so.

He's chosen to reinforce the hurt he cause despite you giving him a chance to rectify it, you need to acknowledge that and decide if you can live with it or not.

You have him a chance, he took it for granted and I'm not sure how you get trust back after that. I've never seen it done successfully.

he's keeping her on the backburner isn't he

Yes. And it doesn't matter why.

What matters is what you're going to do about it?

Sooo he kept in touch with her this whole time after he said he'd finished it, and now claims that he ended it again, when you got pregnant again?

Right.

@category12 hi, I know I walked out before he could say anything else I've gone for a walk..if he really wanted to stop whatever it is with her, he would have deleted - ignoring isn't enough right?

He was supposed to have blocked and deleted her at the time you found out last time. Don't lose sight of that.

He restarted the whole thing or never ended it by his own admission.

And now he expects you to believe he's ended it again?

Really?

@category12 I know..I don't know what to do. I shouldn't need to tell him to block and delete her if this is to work because am I being stupid?? Whilst that number is in his phone he has no interest in making us work