OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

I understand what you are saying . I’m the least tech savvy person out there , but I think that it’s too much of a coincidence that you discuss the ow issues and he says he’ll block her ( if I remember right ? ) then straight away he opens up an account and only follow her . To me it screams out he wanted you to find it . It’s either that he is rubbing your nose in the fact that he refuses to remove the Ow ( like a defiant toddler )or he actively is pushing you to breaking point so that you tell him to leave , or he is just punishing you for being the obstacle to his path of true love as he sees it .
It shows how weak he is , he’s just tyre kicking his way through life , , unwilling to take responsibility for any of the consequences of his action . He’s having another baby with you . Ok you said you put a lot of pressure on him , you know that wasn’t right , and we’ve moved on from that The thing is , it’s happening , baby no 2 is on its way . If he’s bleating to OW about things happening that could be very bad for him (sorry can’t remember exact words ) why in the name of F , did he not just stand his ground and say no . He’s a man , well supposedly , where’s his big boy pants , looks like he’s wearing a lacy g string instead of big boy pants to be honest . . He’s just pathetic . You are fighting hard to keep this fool in your life , but I just don’t see why . You and your DC deserve a million time’s better . A proper man , with morals , decency and a set of bollocks .

I have to agree with a pp that he should know better than to be putting you through this while pregnant...especially as he's a doctor.

If it wasn't lockdown and you had somewhere to go, I'd take your son and leave to get space away from him.

I did see the thread about the other person who was constantly messaging a woman from work...yes he apologised and said he would stop contact....it looks good...but I've heard men/women promise that before and just take it underground. The OP pointed it out to him and he found another method of contact, until she confronted him again, then he apologised.
I hope things work out for her.

The three people in the marriage is totally true when it comes to yours unfortunately. Do your parents know what's going on? How are you feeling being around him right now?

@Cupcakesaregood

@ILuvQuarintinis yes thanks

I'm sorry - can you explain what the progress has been with the talk or have I missed it ? I have to agree with the person above who said that you are doing this to yourself but then there are many wives who live with their husband's infidelities on a daily basis as opposed to being on their own so you are not unique in that respect .

Thank you @SandyY2K

@bluestarsatnightfall no, they don't. No one knows anything.

Hi OP, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation.

I really think you need to make this decision for him and call an end to this marriage.

I have been having an affair for just over 5 years, we were caught by his wife 8 times, she found out initially, then she found out we were still in contact, he woke her in the night once to say he didn't love her he loved me and was leaving but she talked him round, he did leave her briefly but went back and so on and so on. He done all the usual things, deleting my number .....but of course he knows it off by heart anyway so deleting it is pointless. I don't believe just because he's sworn in your child's life that he hasn't slept with her because I imagine he has. Sorry I'm being cynical but I lived it for so long I've heard all the excuses, seen all the tricks used. It sounds like he doesn't love you anymore but he doesn't want to lose his children so he stays out of fear. I wouldn't want anyone being with me if they were in love with someone else, it must be soul destroying.

My AP stays with his wife because of the history they have, because he doesn't want his relationship with his kids ruined, because he cares too much about what other people think of him, many many reasons but none are because he loves his wife. She has told him if he leaves her she will tell his kids various stuff so there's an element of fear there too. I feel sorry for her living like that, she checks his phone, tracks his movements, but ultimately she chose to stay with him knowing what had been going on so much as I feel for the way she lives, I think she's an absolute mug who is as weak as he is.

Your dh wants you to make the decision for him, and whilst he has feelings for this other woman he will never commit to your marriage because his head and heart are elsewhere. The more controlling you are the more he is going to resent you and even if him and this other lady are not suited, in his mind they will be like Romeo and Juliet, with you being the obstacle that stops him being with you. Not the recipe for a happy life that's for sure.

Sorry if this is negative, but I've lived it from the other side of the fence and obviously me and AP spoke loads about his relationship and life with his wife and I learned loads from that.

Wishing you good luck and strength.

@Dozycuntlaters hi, thank you so much for sharing your story, would you mind if I PM'd you? It would be great to hear your view on something as you've been through it. I hope things are ok for you now

Thank you @SandyY2K**

You're welcome.

I'm not sure if it's been mentioned before, but do you work?

It feels like you don't have much else to focus on and this whole thing is consuming you.

I would encourage you to do as much as you can with your little boy before the baby comes along. I know the options are limited during lockdown, but things like arts and crafts...making a scrapbook...take pictures of him...play games as much as his age allows...things that can be therapeutic and uplifting for you at a time like this.

You can decide what you're ultimately going to do, even if you don't do it straight away...as you need to gather your thoughts.

@SandyY2K I do but I'm wfh. You're right and we are doing lots with our LO as he is our focus. We don't want him picking up on any sort of atmosphere

@cupcakes...of course you can message me. I know what I did was awful but I'm happy to share my experience if it helps you see things more clearly.

No judgement here @Dozycuntlaters I'm thankful that you posted

I think she's an absolute mug who is as weak as he is.

I agree...but you're no better than either of them. 3 broken people.

Your AP has prioritised his status and everything else over being with you properly....is this what you're settling for forever?

I often wonder how OWs accept this...surely a MM like yours loses attraction being so spineless.

Don't you think you deserve to be with a man who is available and you can build a future with?

I'm wfh.

That's good. If your employer had an EAP... you could use them for advice.

*has an EAP

Only following still allows contact. She can simply follow him back. They message, then delete messages. She then unfollows him again. Seems a faff but folk do far more to have relationships/affairs.

Whether they are doing it now/yet is almost beside the point. It is going to continue to occupy your mind. I know others have said this, but you will only start to move forward when you take control of what you can. That is your best option. It could be living with it (not recommended), deciding to leave, issuing a real ultimatum to him Either way you will be in control and you can start to move forward/recover. Even if your heart is broken.

I do suggest you talk to someone irl. Identifying it out loud to someone can also be the first step in confronting it ( which understandably you are frightened to do).

@SandyY2K I completely agree, I'm as pathetic as the pair of them, I won't argue with that one!
I guess I put up with it because I genuinely adored the bones of him and hung on in there because I hoped to be with him. Yep, pathetic!!

Hi @MsPavlichenko thanks for post. Yes I know I need to take some sort of control but I have to be careful about demanding anything as I have forced his hand in the past so unfortunately what I want him to do, he needs to do off his own back and he seems to still have these doors open to her.

More pressing things like the future of our marriage we are waiting for LO to be born. Do I think things are going to get worse? Maybe. But I really don't think they are going to get any better so that's a conversation that will be had abit later on

@Dozycuntlaters

I’m sorry that you’ve been through/ are going through this and it’s brave of you to speak up and share your story so honestly.

There is one thing I disagree with though (apart from the affair itself). Your AP is not weak. He is exactly where he wants to be in life. He has a wife who loves him and will do anything to keep him, including tolerate his affair. He also has an ‘ow’ who loves him and will tolerate anything, including him staying with his wife. He will tell you only what you want to hear and he will tell her only what she wants to hear. He is the only one gaining from this set-up and he will keep it going for as long as possible. The truth is that he loves neither of you, he only uses you both. One for appearances and family. The other for (I assume) sex and excitement. So don’t give him the excuse of being a weak little man, he is choosing this, but doing a fantastic job of making you feel that he is forced into this situation. Very clever. Very cruel. Very deceptive. YOU and his wife deserve better than this guy...and 5 years!! If he hasn’t left her by now, he never will, I’m sorry.

I completely agree, I'm as pathetic as the pair of them, I won't argue with that one!
I guess I put up with it because I genuinely adored the bones of him and hung on in there because I hoped to be with him

I wasn't saying you're pathetic... I just find long term affairs for the single OW such an imbalance. It's like you get the worse of it and MM gets the best, while on many cases the BW doesn't know what's going on.

The staying with the wife had been described as a risk analysis... so weighing up the pros and cons, is it worth leaving the marriage and everything that comes (finances, loss if respect from the wider family/community, loss of respect from kids, loss of the familiarity and comfort) with it for the OW ... if he thinks it's worth it, he leaves...if not he stays.

You speak as though it's the past tense and it's over, but your other post indicated it's ongoing.

Once again ..you deserve better. Don't sell yourself short...you only get one life.

Cupcakes...sorry for the T/J...

@DBML

Excellent post from you at 10:36.

It must be fantastic to have 2 women prepared to share you.

The truth is that if he loved either of you, he wouldn't do this.... a classic case of cake eating.

It's a shame you both don't tell him to bugger off eh.

@SandyY2K @DBML

Yes it is over but now I must be honest and say only because he's had retirement forced on him and it was his decision to cut contact although it's best as there was nothing left really.

I've known him for a long time and I knew the dynamics of his marriage long before anything started. I know that he did love me, I don't doubt that but at the end of the day clearly not enough or he would be with me. I'm fully aware of that.

I must also be honest and say if he was to contact me right now I would not ignore him. But I would never initiate any contact myself so I hope he doesn't and I hope some day soon I don't care anymore. It's hard to acknowledge the last five plus years of my life have been wasted and I try not to have regrets because that's futile but yes I also agree that I can't put it all down to cowardice on his part .

@Dozycuntlaters

He trapped you for 5 years with promises and then discarded you when it suited him.

Yes, it was time wasted and I guess you must take some responsibility for that. But, you are free now to meet someone who will actually loves you enough to want to be with you and I sincerely hope you get that opportunity now after being led a merry dance for so long.

Sometimes when we are ground down by others, whether that’s through emotional or physical abuse...or even just being strung along, whilst a partner does the complete opposite of what they are telling you....it makes you forget your worth.

Block him, so YOU feel in control of the ending. And then go and discover what a happy relationship actually feels like. All the best.

He trapped you for 5 years with promises and then discarded you when it suited him

Totally agree, discarded like a piece of rubbish. That's the hardest thing to come to terms with although it serves me right.

Thank you for your kind words :)

@Dozycuntlaters

Neither you nor his wife deserved this. He is a con man.