OW/Emotional Affair - Please help me

[Cupcakesaregood]

Hi everyone. First of all I'm sorry if I ramble, this is my first thread and I don't know what to do. H and I have been married 4 years in July. Found out I was pregnant a year after marriage, not planned but happy enough. Hard pregnancy. Found out that H had been having an emotional affair shortly before birth because I saw a WhatsApp message appear on his phone that I didn't recognise late at night so yes, I looked to discover hundreds of messages. I said to him in anger if he didn't stop I'd never let him see our child. He took the phone from my hands and blocked the number.

Things have been rocky ever since, when I go on WhatsApp I wonder why he's online and not speaking to me etc. Shortly after our 1 year olds birthday I couldn't get the idea of having another baby out of my head. I know probably not the wisest but always envisioned two. And now I'm pregnant. I was H phone the other night trying to find a code a friend sent to him in a message and I couldn't help myself, I looked through his messages from people to see if she was there. She wasn't. And then something told me to check the contacts. He doesn't have loads of people and then I saw her (her WhatsApp photo still the same from 2017 when I caught them that night) and she was under a different name. What do I do? Please help me. I haven't mentioned it to him yet - but why on earth is her number in there if it is over? Thanks for any advice x

Category 12 You can delete messsages in Whatsapp but unsure if phone will indicate this.

It may be diffucult to identify exactly when they last had contact but you know it was after he made you believe he had blocked ow.

@Faith50 the last known contact that he had with her was dec 2017 when I found the messages and the next morning I confronted him and he blocked and deleted in front of me. I've had suspicions since when his phone has gone off but never mentioned

But surely even keeping intouch as friends wouldn't have been right if he wanted to make a go of things with me?

This is the problem though. He never said he wanted to make a go of it with you. He pretended to delete the number so he could see his child.

That’s no basis for a healthy relationship.

Ladies what do you think the reason would be to keep the IF they haven't been speaking or maybe haven't been speaking regularly? I know plenty of people who, ok maybe not necessarily in an emotional affair situation, but when they are done the number is at the very least deleted ie off the phone

He pretended to block the number in order to stay on your good side. He should have blocked the number because he felt remorseful about hurting you.

@OhCaptain yes but he agreed to another baby?

I'm sure he can come up with his own excuses, you don't need us to make them for him.

@category12 I know..I'm sorry I'm sat here writing things down as to what they could be to try and sort my head out before tonight

yes but he agreed to another baby?

I don’t think that means anything other than he wanted to be a dad again.

If he decided to stay (even while cheating on you) for his child, then why not have another one if he’s “stuck” anyway, IYSWIM?

OK. Likely excuses:

1. She messaged him after he ended things, desperate, threatening suicide, and he stayed in touch because he was afraid of her hurting herself.

1. She is stalking him and blackmailing him, and he keeps her number so he can see what she's doing.

1. He kept her number so if things fall apart with you, he can hit her up.

Real reason: he is still seeing her.

You threatened to stop him from seeing his child - something you have no legal right to do. If you separate, he has every right to regular contact, and to introduce new partners, including the OW, to your children.

You reap what you sow. You emotionally blackmailed him into staying in an unhappy marriage. Surprise surprise, he's still not happy with you. Why don't you sit down and have a reasonable and mature discussion with him, in which you make it clear that, if he wants to end the marriage, you won't frustrate his access to his children.

Oh, missed one:

1. He kept her number because you're controlling and abusive and there was never anything in it, so he stayed in touch, because you're a psycho bitch.

I had just discovered an emotional affair between my husband and a woman I'd never heard of I was upset yes I should never have said that to him I was wrong. I know that, I'm not going to make excuses for myself we went to hell and back with the pregnancy I didn't know I was pregnant until I was almost 6 months, it came as a shock to both of us and when I saw those messages we had an arguement when I confronted him and he took the phone out of my hand and blocked and deleted her. She must mean something to him if she is there whether they have been speaking or not

If he blocked her in front of you then he obviously later added her again. Now that might have been just to tell her that she was dumped, but surely he would've reblocked her again after telling her?

The fact you've noticed that he's on WhatsApp a lot tells you everything you need to know, OP.

One thing I found out (the hard way) is that you can't end someone else's relationship. It has to end because one or both of them want to end it. The desire for contact, if it's there on both sides, will override any instructions you give him.

I would bail out at this point. I wouldn't be interested in competing against someone else and I wouldn't humiliate myself by pleading with a man to stay with me.

There was no other reason for him to keep the number other than to stay in contact.

@HollowTalk thank you hollowtalk. He isn't always on WhatsApp it's just whenever a message notification would go off of course I'd panic and think back to that night in December. I don't know what to think or do right now

@Faith50 You're right. It would be stupid to think it's just there for no reason. Do you think that when he doesn't speak to her for a period of time whether that be days/weeks/months..that means he is happy with me or better without her?

So back in 2017 when he blocked her, did he tell and/or show you he'd deleted her number?

Hollowtalk
You are correct. People make their choices, we cannot do it on their behalf. We cannot force another person to like/love us as we want them to. They either do or do not.

Op needs to know he is staying for her otherwise she will forever feel insecure. If he does not feel this way then op needs to walk away.

@copycopypaste we were arguing I was distraught he said he was sorry took the phone and did it in front of me

Cupcakes I cannot speak for him. He could be battling between you and ow. Though you will not feel this way now, his lack of love for you does NOT determine your worth.

Years ago I found myself in situations where guys were not willing to commit (usually after sleeping with me). Each time I questioned my appearance, beauty, personality convinced I was lacking, that their non-commitment meant I was not good enough.

@copycopypaste I mean who am I kidding. I try and convince everyone we are on. I know Instagram shouldn't be the be all and all. He has an account, public, follows his mates, his favourite sports players but not even me. His own wife. Mine is private too so he doesn't even have an interest as to what I post. Don't get me wrong he's hardly active on it but still. When I see all these other couples who follow each other and seem happy it's just another thing (in the grand scheme of things) that makes me think he's not happy. I know you aren't him I'm just trying to understand even a little bit - so do you think when he doesn't speak to he is happy with me?

Maybe a lot of this is understandable insecurities on your part, but you really need to talk to him. He should not have entered into the relationship but you should not have blackmailed him in to staying. You can't make someone love you, but you can make them resent you.

@Cupcakesaregood nobody can answer that. We can't even say if we think it. We don't know you, or him, and even if we did, how would we know what he's thinking?

I will say this, I actually think it's largely irrelevant. How you feel - your paranoia, and insecurity - it's NO WAY to live. And that's not a relationship you want your kids growing up around.

When it comes down to it, you can't trust him, and you can't trust that he even wants to be with you.

WHY do you want that for yourself??

I can't understand how anyone would want to stay in a relationship where someone was cheating on you during a hard pregnancy. When you were at your most vulnerable, he was sniffing round someone else.

He'd already checked out of your marriage.

Aren't you worth more?