Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

affair partner

I am going cold Turkey it is hard

It took a long time and it fucking hurt.
Only time will heal, there are no quick ways or hacks anyone on here can give you I’m afraid.

But yeah you need to go full no contact and distance yourself as much as possible.

The hard bit as well is I know he would still see me if I said yes

I am fully in favour of complete no contact but not possible in this situation because colleagues :(
with the lockdown, even though I'm at home and there is the odd contact now and then for work, still finding it tough. It's been a long time for me, kept doing off and on because he'd convince me to not go cold turkey. During this time, he got together with someone (which hurt like hell and still does!!). Anyhow, I've been keeping my distance for a while (many months now) I said I can't do this anymore and since then it's been pretty low contact.

Problem is I want to do the no contact thing properly (I never initiate any interaction anyway), but I also feel crap when he actually doesn't get in touch because I think maybe he's over it. It's silly. I really need to just let go. It's been a long time now.

When you have really strong feelings for someone, you don’t really WANT to do no contact as that person makes you really happy, but it gets to the point where you know you have to.
You do it, but then you spend everyday wishing they would get in touch. It’s pathetic.

I’m a big believer in live by the sword, die by the sword, so never spent any time feeling sorry for myself. I just sucked it up and kept telling myself I deserve the pain, but it was tough.

Thanks for your reply. It’s helpful to hear from people you’ve been there. Now that you’ve come out the other side ( I presume ) what do you think looking back at it ? People have said they were able to look back and wonder what on Earth they saw in the other person, or laugh at how nuts it was to jeopardise a stable relationship for that.

I am single and had just left an abusive marriage when I met my married man. Sex was amazing. I felt alive. Looking back I was used. He was in control. He has had multiple affairs. No intention of leaving his wife

What I saw in him I don't know he is a nasty person to cheat in his wife. We met on a dating website he went out looking for an affair. I did consider telling his wife

Looking back I was 100% right not to leave my marriage (even though I’m not happy in my marriage) for that person even though it was extremely painful to watch them meet someone else and get married. I kept thinking I’d made the wrong decision, but I now look at them and have zero feelings for them which was impossible to imagine a few years ago.
It’s made me realise, that you need to get through the infatuation phase before making any big decisions about leaving etc.

The problem with affairs is that the infatuation phase can last a long time.

I’m a big believer in live by the sword, die by the sword, so never spent any time feeling sorry for myself. I just sucked it up and kept telling myself I deserve the pain, but it was tough.

This is where I’m at, too. Sent a text message (against my better judgment) at the start of lockdown and got quite thoroughly rejected - the affair is long over but I’d be back with him in a second if he wanted me still.

Time is the only thing that works.

Absolute zero contact.
Including looking at his social media pages
Delete his number

Its 100% or nothing.

What @mamato3lads said

If it's been this long and you're still not over it you really need to think of looking for a new job when life starts to go back to normal. I know it's a lot of upheaval and most people would say they couldn't, but really you need to look after your mental health.

Imagine that AP is Alan Partridge.

Also doing this at the moment. Finding it much harder than I thought and impossible to go cold turkey. Interested to see how other people got through it.

Imagine that AP is Alan Partridge.

Aha!

@lislockdown I am doing it as well, it has been a week and no one day goes by when I think I should just give up and contact him again... I know this is the best decision but so difficult!

I’m so glad I found this thread. I went no contact 2 days ago; it’s tough. I never met my AP, it was all online (and in my head). He thought I was stupid for wanting to stop contact, but I knew I had to as it was taking up too much head space. I just know I have to keep strong and get through this shit. It’s like coming off a drug. I feel so uncomfortable in myself

I know you mean fed up. The high when you get a message

the NC is essential to wean off what feels very much like a drug addiction. But I can say that to some extent the 'fog' has lifted, I can see more clearly now and not so much through the rose tinted glasses as I did before. Affairs are difficult to get over because they give the semblance of a real relationship but are far from it, they're just the best bits and that beginning of relationship falling in love feeling all the time, which is so very addictive. If you were to add mortgages, bills, kids etc into the mix, that would take the wind out of the sail.

Yes he was a using bastard with ED issues, moaning like an old man, hairy everything yuk, not wealthy either.
I actually feel sorry for the DW at least I can delete him from my life she has kids with him.

I’m glad I’ve found this thread. I’m 28 days no contact and still finding it very hard. Good days and bad. Be good to hear some positive stories. I keep wonder how long will it be like this. No answers I guess.

How long did your affair last hapbee