Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

Chippy pickled - you are so right. And let’s face it, if he didn’t care about her or he wanted to really make everything work with me, why would her number even be there, I’m aware I’m just saying my thoughts aloud thank you so much for making me feel less insane

I never got over my AP. Not until I ended up marrying him 12 years after our affair. We worked together, I was young with young dc and was in an emotionally and physically abusive marriage. I was too scared to leave. Too scared to break my family up. I left my job and we moved out of the area to get him off my mind. Total NC. It broke my heart and I spiralled into depression. In reality it took a good 5 years to psychologically move on. Each time I stalked him on social media it set me back. He never married or had dc.
10 years later we moved back to the same town due to work again. My marriage was still shit but I had resigned to staying put until dc were grown up.

Ended up bumping into him in the dentist, we went for a coffee and that was it really. It was like we were not going to lose each other again. He said he had had a gf or 2 but could never settle and lived alone and had pined for me since I left.
Long story short I left my husband. He was so lovely and waited for me to get my head together before we made a go of it. We’ve been married 7 years now and I have no regrets, only that I wish I’d done it sooner. I knew my marriage was dysfunctional and that I had never felt the way I did about OM with anyone else.
I’m sorry that the time we spent apart meant by the time we got together we were too old to have our own dc.

It's so hard isn't it Cupcakes

Like I said, I haven't been having an affair but am trying to go no contact and extricate myself from a toxic relationship. The absolute hardest thing to accept is that, despite what he said, he didn't love me. Oh, he claimed to. Said he would always love me. Said he was forever heartbroken by our relationship coming to an end. But it was bollocks. Because if he loved me he wouldn't have treated me the way he did. That's the truth and it hurts like buggery.

One of his last messages to me (in an attempt to reel me back in) was "For what it's worth, happy mother's day. I know you are an amazing parent."

He does not know this. He has never met my children; has never once seen me interact with them. Just more bollocks. Some people will say anything to get their own immediate needs met. Anything at all.

I’m sorry you got treated that way chippy pickle. That must have been hard, I hope you’re working your way through it :). Yes it’s so hard. I’m just quite a black and white person (which I know isn’t always a good thing) and to me, if you want to make things work and considering you’d been caught before and if you really do love me. The number of the person who you had been messaging for month and let’s face it maybe years, would be off the phone. Blocked. Deleted

Right. So now you know the truth Cupcakes - which is that he isn't committed to anything other than getting his own need met - what are you going to do about it.

He hasn't deleted her number because he wants access to her. This doesn't mean he loves her, but so what? He isn't committed to you either.

Honestly I can’t thank you enough and anyonelse that’s commenting. You’re all helping me so much. What I’m about to say is going to make me sound awful but everyone seems so honest here I’m going to try my best to put into words. Our first son wasn’t planned. I was happy when I found out, my H, not so much. He never mentioned about a termination, nothing like that was ever brought up I just think he maybe wanted to have a little longer just us. I need to say at this point he is an amazing dad. I can’t fault him. He came from a broken home himself. He is a good father. This baby, was mainly me. Yes it was planned but i think it’s more mainly for me hoping things may improve after the birth. After I caught H originally I told him I’d never let him see our then unborn child (in anger) and that’s when he ‘blocked and deleted’ that girl. And now either she never went away or he is just biding his time to get back in contact with her

@Nightswimming85 I'm glad it helped you, you are still so early in your relationship and the stress of a young one as well. I do hope you are ok.

@Cupcakesaregood

My AP partner said his wife trapped him with children. Such horseshit. Honestly. It really put me off him. Hopefully if he is spouting that nonsense then the OW will see through it.

@Cupcakesaregood I am sorry you are going through this.

Honestly, if he has kept her number, he is keeping that door open. I would be interested to hear her side of events.

I do think it is possible to love two people, and I do believe that as you can see from pp, it is incredibly hard to cut off an AP. But this thread is showing how hard it is and to support them, because they are trying to do the right thing.

He has shown you his cards. Twice now. I'm so sorry. Do you believe he is trying? It doesn't seem that way from what your write

Hi flippity, He tries with our son and I thought maybe because we are having another..I keep trying to think if it were me cheating in my marriage. And I can say 100% that if I wanted to make it work I would get rid of the person I had been texting and god knows what else. Is it naive to think maybe he is just ignoring her? When I confided in my friend and asked her if there was any chance he was just ignoring her, she said if that were the case what would be the point of having the info in the phone

I agree with your friend. If it were me, I would have deleted the number and the messages.

Ask your H how would he feel if it was you?

You’re right I do need to speak to him about this and sooner rather than later. I will do it tomorrow, I’m just trying to get my head in a slightly more rational place..so basically bottom line - if he were happy with me the number wouldn’t be there, that’s true bare bones of it

How did your affairs start?

Oops cut off before I'd finished! I'm married and have very strong feelings for a married dad I know. The feeling is mutual but nothing has started... yet. How and where did you get the opportunity for the affair to develop? I'm a SAHM so don't have the excuse of work/dinners etc.. to be on my own. I don't think anything will happen, but curious as to how things go from being infatuated with someone to something actually happening?

You just make and find opportunities. Once you start it's incredibly hard to stop.

I also feel I need to do the NC thing as I'm crazy about this guy and it's hard to avoid him as he lives a few doors away and our kids go to the same school.

I don't think this guy would make the first move physically. Did yours start on a night out with alcohol loosening inhibitions or in other circumstances?

@caramac04 - is this what happened with you? Did you end up marrying your AP?

My affair started when he told me he'd fallen in love with me. I am a complete cliche. Bear in mind there was nothing wrong in my marriage.

I just got caught up. I was somewhat seduced but definitely not coerced. I was there of my own free will.

I just lied. I was supposed to be at work and I'd sneak out to meet him. I was supposed to be going to the gym but I'd see him.

Utterly pathetic.

Please don't do it. It really isn't worth it.

@ginandcv when it was over did you cut all ties?

@flippityflobberty sorry to ask another insane question but you’re really helping me..I’m not making excuses for him I swear, but do you think the reason he kept it there was because he didn’t want to hurt her by deleting/blocking?

@Cupcakesaregood sorry to hear what you're going through. I don't think keeping her number necessarily means he cares about her, if he cared about her that much he'd be with her. But it does mean he has no intention on cutting contact with her......because it's a thrill to text someone else outside of your marriage. The whole reason affairs/emotional affairs can become so addictive/appealing is because they're not real. Not really. I also think these things can be much more emotional for women then they are men and often OW like to believe they meant more than they did. Either way I think you'd be happier in the long run without him, he's never going to be trustworthy.

I'm also happily married, but to a busy man who is not that attentive.
Part of how I feel is a restless, bored feeling and needing some excitement and the high you get when someone you are infatuated with likes you in the same way.
It's also nice to feel wanted and that you're still attractive to the opposite sex.
I don't think anything will happen as he doesn't seem like he'd make a move and I won't. I'll remember the consequences from this post if ever I am tempted🙁

Hi @idontcare12 I agree, the thing is sometimes I do think he is staying for our child and soon to be children. I think he cares enough to keep her on some sort of backburner, I know it’s a different situation but if I don’t want contact with someone I at the very least delete their number

@ginandcv I think the reason people consider cheating as bad/worse than some crimes is because it damages so many families and causes so much pain, usually to people that don't deserve it (I.e faithful spouses and young children). I think the other reason it's so morally frowned upon is because it's a choice, people choose to cheat. It's not the same as stealing to eat is it? Cheating requires lying, deceit and selfishness.