Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

Has it made you all question your relationship/marriage?

Usually people who post about having affairs are in unhappy relationships. My marriage was fine, usual life stuff but dh treats me well and I love him.

I really don't understand why I did it and why I still want ap.

My marriage isn't dreadful just boring. We have 3 kids, he works all the time. Hes working from home upstairs. I cook clean etc with little support. The messed up thing is my husband knows about him. Hes not happy about it by any means but says its better that I can talk to him and he doesn't have that with his wife. I met him on twitter. He has become very jealous and possessive and made awful comments to people who have spoken to me on there. I can see how toxic he is now. Not heard from him today and I still keep checking my phone.

When he does message I replying straight away then kick myself

I have deleted his number and all messages, but not blocked.

If I blocked, I would be wondering if he was trying to contact me.

This time I know that he definitely isn't. It helps with my resolve.

I am at 6 weeks stage. Physical symptoms are passing (although now I have anxiety about lockdown). Being able to spend time with DH is wonderful, I feel lucky to have that opportunity to re-invest myself in us.

Omg so good to see others in this situation.
I met an old friend at a birthday a year and a bit ago.
I was having issues with my DP and when I saw this old friend, I was like wow, head turned, which I never expected.
We chatted all night, he was married with 4 kids and I was like cool, told him of my divorce etc.
Anyway after that we kept talking, just about random things, how much we had in common, same age (my dp
Is 12 years older) etc.
Then our convos over stepped the friendship line....
So with all this in mind I ended it with my dp as I felt bad.
Other guy was all I'm so unhappy in my marriage etc and we talked for hours made each other play lists. I was falling in love.
We arranged to meet to see if things really were the way we talked....so he drove 3 hrs to see me, we had an amazing time together and I thought maybe this is it....
Long story short we met again, spent the night together and when we woke the next day he literally made me feel shit....
He said he knew his wife would ring and felt guilty.
I told him I'm not doing this anymore....
Let's cut it all off....BUT I found it so hard.
Eventually I got back together with my previous partner and things were great, but my head was still with the other guy and I kept talking to him and he told me he loved me. BUT things were difficult with him living so far away and his kids and he couldn't leave them.

So I we still kept contact,
Mainly when I was drunk I'd declare my love for him.
Last time we spoke was nearly 4 weeks ago, I constantly stalk WhatsApp fb. He hasn't messaged me and I have vowed not to do it....but it's so hard I miss him and still love him. He made me feel great.
I'm still with dp and we are great together but my heart wants the other guy....even though I know he's a jerk...but if I saw him I'd still want to jump his bones. It's so hard....wish I didn't feel this way :(

It's so awful. My head is saying no. He's married with 4 kids, he's shown his true colours the way he talks to people but something about him makes his so addictive. That Brittney spears song sums it up. Toxic. I told him I was unhappy at home the other day. He said he was sorry to hear that it makes him sad but he can only offer me the odd night together, or brief meeting. So I felt like utter shit yesterday. This is after he told me he was falling in love. It's an absolute head fuck

I caught my H messaging another woman end of 2017 whilst I was pregnant with our first. He blocked her in front of me and a couple of nights ago I had a gut feeling and her number is in his phone under someonelses name and I know it’s her because I remember the WhatsApp picture. What do I do? Surely if he wanted to work on our marriage she would be gone. I’m currently pregnant with baby number 2 which I will be honest, wasn’t conceived at the best time. Why has he kept her number?

Sorry meant to add surely not blocking/deleting is leaving a door open? Sorry if I’m rambling I’m just trying to collect my thoughts before I approach H x

Be wary those of you who haven’t told your spouses/partners.

It can come back to bite you many years later. I am in my 70’s now but during a very unhappy time in my 30’s I had a short fling with someone.

The mans wife called my husband 20 years later as he had decided to confess!!

It caused a huge fall out and whilst we never split up, it was never forgotten or forgiven.

Cupcakes- it is probably more than leaving then door open but it could be that he had it saved under another name too when he had the affair. It will be hard to get the truth out of him though.

Complete no contact. It was actually fairly easy because I was having to deal with the pain and how distraught my ex was. It was awful. I’d never ever do it again after seeing what it caused. I think I had kind of blocked it while I was doing it.

@lolaTP I agree, I think that’s why I’m coming on here to try and think of possibilities as to why he still has it. I mean who keeps a number they don’t use? Or don’t have intention of using..plus he must have made the steps at some stage to unblock her number because it was in his normal contacts list. In my head, if you really want to make a proper go of things, why keep that number?

Cupcakes, sorry, but you don’t really think a guy goes from messaging a woman whilst you’re pregnant to just forgetting about her and cutting her off overnight just because you demanded he block her?
Messaging or fucking another woman while your wife is pregnant is uber scumbag stuff.
Don’t believe for a second that he hasn’t been messaging her etc.

Hi crazychild, before we got pregnant with number 2 I had my suspicions. A part of me was hoping the pregnancy would get him to stop. Don’t get me wrong I’ve always wanted two and this baby is far from a mistake! I just can’t understand why he has the number. Is she on a backburner? If he didn’t care about her it would be gone surely

If he didn’t care about her it would be gone surely

This. Read this whole thread (with your DH in mind) and you will see how difficult it is for cheaters to just stop contact. Nobody on here has said they were just able to stop without a great deal of effort and pain etc.
If he had feelings for the other woman (I assume he did/has as he’s risking a lot) then there’s a very high chance he is still in contact.

Thank you CC and apologies to original poster and others for hijacking, I’ve never posted on here before, I’m all over the place. Sorry for any ramblings x

And I know this is maybe wishful thinking but even if there wasn’t any contact (yeah right) the fact the number is still on the phone is a huge risk..if that makes sense

Do you think it is just physical for men though rather than emotional? Sorry don't know if that makes it any better

On the other hand you might realise your marriage is over and marry your AP......

All I can say is that my male AP was hugely emotional. Everything was completely full on.

I still work with my AP, almost 18 months later, same team. I fell deeply in love, and think it will take about 2 years to fully get over him, basically the amount of time for the memories to fade. NC must really be the solution though, because I feel happier and healthier not seeing him with lockdown. Wonder if I will just fall right back when we return to the office. A colleague has a similar story, she said it was 3 years for her. Neither of us had counselling, maybe that helps.

Those who say no contact. Is ignoring enough? Or is it delete number, block? What constitutes NC for you?

Block

Keeping the other woman's number doesn't necessarily mean he has feelings for her, Cupcakes It means he doesn't want to close himself off to the possibility of contacting her again, but that could be just for sex, an ego boost etc. Some people just don't care. Sounds like he doesn't love or respect you - the woman who loves him and has given him two children. So why the hell would he love and respect her?

A lot of these men are just out for themselves. They have women in their lives because they want someone to do the housework/provide sex/provide the veneer of a normal life well lived. But they are only really ever about their own needs. We tell ourselves all sorts of stories about their feelings and motivations but actually, they just don't care.

Still trying to get over him he keeps getting in touch some how and says we will be together this year but we won't 😭