Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

How do you go totally no contact? I think that's what I need to do but it's so hard. We haven't seen each other for a while and both agreed it needed to end but we are still in contact most days. Just general chat not anything more. But it's difficult.

Around a year all in emotional and physical. Good friends beforehand. His decision to end. A couple of weeks after I had to have a termination - alone. Wanted to be friends. I don’t think so. Please no harsh words as it’s been awful enough. And yes my error and I’m judging myself every day.

I’m so so sorry @hapbee

I haven't had an affair but am attempting to extricate myself from a toxic relationship. This will be about my third go at No Contact. I know I have to get out for my own sanity (he treats me terribly and brings out the worst in me) but for some reason it's very hard to let go. I still fancy him madly which doesn't help. Neither does being cooped up without anything much to do.

Could do with some NC support tbh. Have deleted all means I have of contacting him so couldn't even if I wanted to, but am in all kinds of turmoil and it sucks.

@HapBee 28 days! That sounds like a good progress, have you tried to go no contact before? I have tried many times and this is the longest I have, even though it is just one week.....

@ChippyPickledEggs the pain is physical as well as mental. Your body is withdrawing from “happy hormones”. They say love is a drug for a reason. I have to keep reminding myself of this. Do you have kids? If not you have plenty of time during this lockdown to focus on yourself and for self reflection. Be kind to yourself. We can all do this

First time. Don’t know what keeps me going. Probably that if I do get in touch he gets the chance to hurt me again by not replying or replying like nothing bad has happened. I could do with NC support as well. Old threads on here help a bit. I’ve written a list of all the bad bits - it’s long! - and that helps. I’m heartbroken in all honesty.

I'm sorry other people on this thread are in so much pain.

Yes Fedup I have children, although they are of an age where they can fend for themselves to a degree and don't particularly want to hang out with me much, so I do get some time to myself - far more than if I had little ones anyway. I'm glad to have them about. While they're here I feel I have to get them out for the daily allotted exercise (which means I get out in the fresh air too) and I know if I was on my own I wouldn't bother. I also eat better when they're here because I have to cook proper meals for them. When they're at their dads I live on cheese and biscuits

I've wanted to start a thread like this for a long time but was scared of people coming on and bashing me.

It's fucking hard.

I had an affair in the autumn last year. I broke it off. It was a mutual hobby and I just got swept off my feet. I finished it and tried to move on but it's been the worst kind of heartache.

I have read many books, listened to podcasts etc. Many of them have helped. RL friends (of mine; not mutual between DH and I) have been incredible.

Someone upthread mentioned bills, bins and mortgages which is non existent in an affair.

If I left to be with him (I considered it) I'd have seriously disadvantaged my own children. Everything in their life would have been worse.

I've worked really hard at my marriage. Had counselling and vowed never to tell DH. The shame and guilt is my punishment. I'm a better wife now.

I am sure someone will slate me for all of this but there it is. Oh and I had an STI check - I never had sex with DH whilst the affair was going on. When I got the all clear I mentally filed it under "lucky escape - don't be a dick again"

Oh and I stopped checking social media and trying to second guess what he was up to.

We still talk occasionally but I have been very mindful not to drift back into wistful talking.

I keep it to mutual hobby stuff that is non existent since lockdown. Kind of a relief

I think a lot of people need NC support including myself, a lot of us will be judged so it is always hard to go out telling our stories. The truth is that affair or not love is always something hard to just get rid of or move on from. AP and I are still very much in love but I know ending things is the best to do. It doesn't make it easier though.

one of the best pieces of advice I've seen about going NC is to approach it one day, week , month at a time. Don't think I'm NEVER going to contact AP again, just that I'm not going to do it for 3 days and then on the 4th day I'll see how I feel and so on. I think that really helped me because it was easier to think about not doing it for a short term than FOREVER, and by doing this you become stronger and then keep extending that milestone.

Yes I agree with that. Also the 'ten' rule...

What will happen if I do X in ten minutes, months and years.

That really helped me think past the 'now' and make impulsive bad decisions

@ginandcv I hope that no one will be judgemental on this thread. The truth is affairs /emotional involvement happen for a reason. We’re all human and we all make mistakes. Try and forgive yourself. Living with guilt and shame is really tough and you’ve punished yourself enough

Thankyou. The weird thing is that I had/have a very happy marriage. I have no rationale only excuses. I did an awful thing. The idea that something was missing or wrong just isn't true.

It was like a drug though.

One thing I have realised is that the hobby is the only thing AP and I had in common. He was physically stunning. That would likely wear thin very quickly.

6 months my life had moved on.
1 year I could reflect on the whole experience rationally
2 years I had absolutely no desire to see them again.

That was after being head over heels in love.

Gin- how did you explain the no sex with DH and then going back to it. Was it very short lived? How did you find going back to sleeping with DH? I struggled with that bit a lot!

Currently trying to juggle not seeing AP during lockdown with DH driving me mad. I feel terrible, DH is not a bad person just barely knows I exist. AP is new, attentative and although I know hes done this many times before, makes me feel very special. I know I'm a bad person.

I am sorry hapbee

Don't know why I can't tag people but to answer the question about sex.

DH snores so we were sleeping separately. The sexual part of the affair only lasted about 6 weeks so I just dodged the issue. I think DH thought something was up but never really confronted the fact there was no intimacy.

I had been moaning about snoring for ages and felt he should have taken action sooner.

So anyway. He did. He started getting more healthy and doing something to remedy the snoring (nasal wash or something). That made a big difference to how I felt about him.

Anyway once I had finished the affair I felt we should start sleeping together again. We did. He didn't snore. My feelings towards him softened. Once I'd had results back from STI I just got back on with it.

I've been more able to ask for what I want. It's been really good.

I won't be back in here tonight. Sleep well all

How do you know that you need to let your AP go? What if you could be happy with him? Happier than in your own relationship?

Yes @32and, that had crossed my mind. But clearly he didn’t feel the same - so ended it after the termination. Felt guilty about his partner apparently. Though had never done so before.

Did anyone have/having really fucked up physical symptoms as well? Like waking up full of anxiety and stress because of the no contact, shortness of breath etc
I remember that now. Made me realise was what lovesickness actually was.

@crazychild I feel very restless and uncomfortable and have very bad anxiety and intrusive thoughts, so yes. I’m trying to stay afloat and not slip into a desperation