Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

@Cupcakesaregood you need to speak to him. Tell him you know about the number (and don't let him convince you she's just a friend now). Ask him if he's happy, ask him if he wants to be a family or not? It will be a painful conversation but not nearly as painful as staying in a marriage where you're always second guessing his intentions. You both have to put all your cards on the table and have an honest discussion. I think he's too weak to be honest with you and will tell you what you want to hear. Now, or further down the line, you will need to end this relationship to be truly happy. I know that's not nice to hear but you seem more invested than he is.

@mumofboystimesthree it's starts in tiny baby steps be very careful, whatapp, a quick message on Facebook, and small exchange. The buzz the contact, the waiting for a message the compliments the sharing and the secret, it snowballs and gets out of control. By which point you enter into the flippant stage of not caring, that's the bit at which you really should give your head a wobble.

I always wondered the same thing, how on earth do people go from "hi, how are you" to an affair it just takes two people bored and looking for something to fill a gap.

Thank you @idontcare12 I’m going to have the convo with him tomorrow..I really appreciate you listening to me

@Cupcakesaregood no I haven't cut all ties.

It'd involve one of us leaving our team (hobby) and moving away from the area.

We aren't in contact now, but yes we still saw each other (pre lock down)

And yes to whoever said about cheating being a choice. I M not the person o thought I was.

@Cupcakesaregood I'm only judging him by the fact that he's kept the number. You know him far better than anyone on here and you need to follow your gut. 🌷

He messaged me about half an hour ago. I messaged straight back 😣. Said I'm sorry I've not been in touch today hope your ok. I said busy day? He said he's just not had 2 minutes to himself. And said remember when I don't message nothing has changed. So here I am again talking the crumbs he throws

@idontcare12 I know..he’s definitely kept it for a reason

Now I'm out the other side I am very mindful about what a great man my husband is. He never did anything wrong.

We're really good together. We get on and he makes me laugh. Always puts me first, supports me and never slacks off in household chores etc. There is nothing wrong in our marriage. I made a mistake but I'll never repeat it. I am happy.

I don't allow myself to get wistful for what could have been as it was never reality. Every time I waver I write a message never to send. I list faults. I won't allow myself to listen to shared songs etc. I got rid of the gifts he gave me, and deleted photos of team event celebrations where we're together.

I think my 2 months of stupidity will pale into insignificance before too long as I am a better wife than previously. I know DH deserves the best. He gets the best version of me now. I am incredibly lucky.

@ginandcv you sound happy :)

Thanks. I am.

I've been stupid. Really arrogant and stupid.

In every day life I'm a 'helper'. I work frontline NHS, I volunteer for animal charities and elderly people. This was so out of character I can't believe I did it.

I have no pride that I got away with it. It may still come back to bite me 🤷🏻‍♀️ but every day I wake up with a feeling of gratitude that I am where I am. I wish no ill on the AP and I try not to manufacture meetings (it would be bloody easy tbh)

I wanted to be able to leave my phone around and not panic if DH picks it up.

It has changed me, but ironically DH has made an effort to sort himself out somewhat too (loss weight and stop snoring) and he's happier too.

I would NEVER recommend having an affair to improve the marriage. I've been very lucky to experience this as a byproduct of my affair. I will never take it for granted again.

@ginandcv it sounds like you've learnt from this. What I would say though is that I wouldn't be so sure that your husband would want to continue your relationship if you told him (I think I read that earlier). Finding out you've been cheated on has a huge impact on you. Many never look at their partner the same way when they discover the extent of their lies. Being cheated on makes you feel humiliated, foolish, broken even, and people rarely come back from that 100%. I also think the fact that your husband doesn't know has allowed you to get off without seeing his pain.....so you still think of the affair through rose tinted glasses. If you'd have us to deal with the upset of it being revealed, you may now feel very differently about it. That being said, I don't think you should tell your husband, it will only cause him considerable pain. I think you should try your best to make it up to him by being the best wife you can.

Completely agree. Thankyou.

@thecatsarecrazy ask yourself this. In the beginning did he make time to message you constantly even tho he was very busy? If the answer is “yes” then something has changed. You’ve had the adrenaline / dopamine rush from his message. However, the “come down” is awful and leaves you feeling sad and disappointed in yourself? You must regain control, you owe it to yourself.

6 months nearly and i'm nowhere near over it even low he was extremely abusive at the end. Against all logic I feel weirdly envious of his DP, which makes no sense since hes an abusive cheat but I can't escape the feeling.

I’m in the middle of an affair right now. I have never said to to anyone before.
Lockdown has made me realised that im falling for him I miss him terribly. It’s been going on for around 4 months now, both married with young children and unfortunately his wife is pregnant....I know we are fucking horrible people!
He’s someone from my past, I never got over him, it had been 15 years since I last saw him.
I think if I suggested it he’d leave his wife, but it’s me that’s not sure on that one. I’m well aware that the grass isn’t always greener on the other side. Can I be responsible for breaking up 2 families? I don’t think I can.
I know I should just end it then, what the point if I’m not willing to leave my DH. But I can’t do it. Sounds stupid I know 😫

@Loubylou9162 I'm also in the middle of an affair which has been going on for 5 months. Finding all this separation really hard. We are also both married with children similar ages.
Haven't told anyone and it's really hard struggling with everything that is happening and not being able to tell anyone why you're feeling so down.
I'm dreading the time it ends, if it does, we are both very much in love with each other.
I know what we're doing is awful but I want to say thank you to those on this thread for the support to everyone who is struggling and haven't done the usual MN slating xx

I don’t see why you’re down to one message a day. That would raise my alarm bells

5 year affair - love of my life - couldn’t leave ( complex circumstances- would have meant taking DD to another country). Crucified myself daily for being a bad personality. Went cold turkey eventually. Sad beyond sad but it it eased with time. Marriage was bad but became intolerable due to EXH’s alcoholism and behaviour ( multiple affairs) Left and a year later met my amazing DP - we’ve been together 11 years and I’m really happy. But- a part of me still cares for AP. We communicate 4 times a year - a short text Wishing one another well on birthdays, Xmas and NYear. He’s still single 15 years after we split. We used to say we’d marry in our 70s if we were free. I’d never cheat on DP but still wouldn’t be amazed if I ended up single again And ended up with AP. That’s the craziness of affairs - that I still think like that 20 years after meeting him.

I need to stop making myself so available. If he can't find a moment during the day to send a message I'm really not that much in his thoughts am I. It kills me every ping on my phone that isn't him.

@hatebeingcold I’m sorry your finding it hard too :(
it’s quite nice to offload about it actually.
I too know what we are doing is horrible but it’s weirdly comforting to know there are people who can provide a bit of support despite that.
I have thought about telling one of my friends, but I honestly think they’d all hate me for it :(
He wants me to sneak off to see him today, but I’m an nhs frontline worker and there’s no way I’m risking carrying the virus to him no matter how much I miss him, he’s got a pregnant wife at home. I’d never forgive myself if she got it because of me. I’d love to be able to say I couldn’t care less about her but I’m not a nasty person which makes this much much worse.
It will have to end eventually, we both know this unless we decide to leave and be together but that’s such a big step!

@thecatsarecrazy exactly what @Fedup2020 said! If he made time for you initially and now then something has changed :(
I’m sorry your having a tough time

@loubylou9162 I think that was what was so gutting. The realisation to me that he’d sucked me in at the start with complete adoration and then, once I’d fallen for it, stepped back. Oh, he said he couldn’t communicate so often as he found it too hard coz it was so emotional and he didn’t want to call it off. However I know it’s coz he probably has someone else who he’s feeding the same lines and just likes the power. I called it a day (again) on Sunday and it’s tough coz just one word from hiM would make me feel better. I can’t live like that tho, no one can

@Loubylou9162 please please use this time apart to end it. Seriously, before you’re head over heels in love and it’s 100 times worse. Use the energy you put into your affair to put into you and your family. I know the buzz is incredible , but when it ends (and it will) it’ll be devastating

@Loubylou9162 it's so hard isn't it? Do you know how to private message on here? Might be nice to have each other to off load on as both in the same boat? xx

@Loubylou9162 please don't kid yourself that you care about his wife, it's so insulting to her. When she finds out about this (which she likely will at some point) her world, along with her children's, will be destroyed. I wouldn't be so convince that he'd leave for you either. When it comes out and he sees the pain on his wife and children's faces (and the disappointment on his parents/friends faces) he'll likely reevaluate what is most important to himself. Don't kid yourself that you're a kind person either, you're not. I'm not trying to be unkind, I'm just shedding a bit of reality on the fantasy.