Have you had an affair and how did you get over AP

[bloomingdalelovely]

Just that really - looking for input/comments from people who have been in this position.

I don’t even know where to start with explaining what’s happened with my affair.
I suppose it’s still happening but not sexually for nearly a year. (Only happened a few times anyway - doesn’t make it better just putting it into context) it might be just an emotional affair now but tbh it’s just like good mates now (work at same place but don’t work together) but I know thats not acceptable.

I’m married. He’s single, for years ....as in not had sex since he split with his ex (who he has 2 kids with) 8 years ago.
He’s got confidence issues - but he kind of pursued me when I was at my lowest, not passing the blame at all, I’m to blame, I’m the married one. But my marriage was at rock bottom and although at that time I couldn’t see things improving ever, I also couldn’t leave due to a financial situation.

God I’m making excuses and trying to justify it.

I need to nc with him out of respect for my husband. Who Ive realised I do love/want to stay with and things are getting better but we just hit a massive bump and I’ve fucked up.

I'm with you on the physical symptoms. I've got a knot of anxiety in my stomach, headaches and a high heart rate. Can't sleep very well either.

I used to wake up at 5am each day feeling so awful.

I went on antidepressants which really helped.

I was numb during the day and was over exercising.

Mornings are the worst I find. Really hard to get up. It gets better throughout the day

The part I found the hardest was going through a break up while trying to carry on with everyday life. Nobody to talk too, No one you could share with, obviously no sympathy if you were to talk to anyone.

I'm 2 years now the other side, the contact fades, not a straight cut day when we decided, just a gradual lack of weekly, monthly and now yearly contact. The contact now is a quick happy birthday.

But I still feel that familiar wait for the reply that I don't get with anyone else, it's hard not to dip back in but I'm so glad I don't.

I do look at pictures of him online occasionally, have a quick smile to myself and think fondly of him, but again that gone from daily, weekly to monthly to I can't recall when I did it last.

And I'm so grateful with hindsight we weren't ever a good match, we are both twats and I had a lucky escape as did he, it fills me with dread thinking about being with him now, the mess of all the kids the total destruction. But at that precise time in my life I needed him. And the whole experience has changed my entire marriage and outlook on life.

The first few months are very hard but I went cold turkey. At the time I was right not to leave my marriage for the AP. In retrospect, I realise I should have left but gone it alone but you make decisions based on what you know at the time. You can’t see into the future. I still think about AP and pass his house quite often but never see him.

Please can ask about whether people told their spouse? Or got found out? I imagine this influences the recovery period.

Mine doesn't know. I felt that if he found out he'd still want to be together so it was a pain he didn't need. I've read enough to know that opinion on this is divided. The idea that he could move on and meet someone lovely. But I just know he wouldn't.

Anyway. I think it's prolonged my recovery because I have kept the affair as magical and untouched. I haven't had to fight for my marriage.

I mean he wouldn't want to meet someone else.

Yes, you’re spot on re leaving it magical and untouched when there’s no reality check with you being exposed as the cheater, hurting everyone etc

I was never found out, but had no choice to end it because the AP got fed up waiting for me. This probably did prolong the recovery period.

My husband agreed that I could seek “sexual satisfaction” online. I met someone and it became emotional. I ended it and told my husband. I then went back and have ended it again for good. I’m dying to tell my husband as I feel I need help and support, but it would be selfish. I don’t want to leave. I was just seeking sexual release that I don’t get in my marriage and it went wrong.

@arhhhhhnofreeusernames I feel the same about my AP, I needed him at that time. We are friends now though and he’s a brilliant friend to me I just wish I’d kept it at that.

I feel like I’ve completely tainted my marriage. When dh and I have a happy moment now, where we get on brilliantly like we use to, or I remember something nice from “before” - my affair pops in my head.

If I confessed to my DH he would leave. I can’t do that to my DD. He wouldn’t see her. He’s struggled with becoming a dad massively she’s 2.5 and only just starting to bond with her. This contributed to the affair where I haven’t felt supported and he actually told me at one point that he wished she wasn’t born and didn’t feel anything for her.
My mum died in November and can honestly say he’s only stepped up since then when he had to take responsibility for her while I was at the hospital waiting for my mum to die. It’s only improved since then and he’s trying hard.

I'm hoping that feeling of tainting the marriage will fade in time.

It definitely doesn't feel as raw now as it did.

I read in another thread that a guy had confessed to an affair 20 years ago. His wife was distraught. I think that must be the cruellest action.

@arhhhhhnofreeusernames a lot of that you say resonates with me, especially needing someone at a particular time in life. I’d love to be where you are now. 2 years seems like a long time but I guess everyone is different. I’m only at a month and still missing the relationship.

@ginandcv what were the books/podcasts you found helpful if you don’t mind me asking?

Oh yes of course. In no particular order...

Ester perel's podcasts and book state of affairs

Not Just friends by Shirley Glass

The road less travelled

You can heal your life - Louise hay

I also had counselling and went on antidepressants so a proper self improvement programme

Oh and the other thing I've done is set screen time for myself - my teenage daughter knows the passcode (I don't!) I've limited social media to an hour a day. That stops the endless scrolling.

Thank you so much.

I know it's ridiculously self indulgent but I felt so lonely. Like a bereavement. But it was all my own doing which made it worse.

This is what I'm struggling with at the moment. I feel like I'm going through a break up and I can't talk to anyone about it.

DH has no idea. If I told him now it would be to ease my own guilt. I'm pretty certain he wouldn't leave so I don't think it would achieve anything.

We aren't massively unhappy either so I'm not quite sure how I've let this happen.

Social media is hard, watching ap playing happy families. Seems to have got over it much quicker than me.

@lislockdown

Does your DH or anyone else notice you’re not right or can you hide it well?

In a similar position, hope you’re ok. I agree that block and delete is a minimum. Op (and anyonelse experiencing) can I ask if the married man blocked/deleted you?

Married man has not deleted or blocked me, It was my decision to end things. He just contacted me yesterday and so far I have not replied, I deleted his number and deleted the message so even if i want to I can't, better to avoid the temptation...

AP went awol for a short while after I ended things. Then we met up to clear the air.

He hasn't blocked me. I haven't blocked him either. I have muted him though so if he messaged I won't see it until I open messages.

That helps me stay calm and not get that panic when my phone buzzes.

Crazy child Dh seems pretty oblivious. With the Coronavirus situation things are very different at home anyway so he's putting my mood down to that.

I think ap may block my number at some point, I'm finding the low contact hard. He doesn't seem to be.

I am the other woman. I know I am scum. He is the text book cheating husband, Says his marriage is shit, they don't get on. He buys me gifts.. yeah yada yada yada. We haven't actually slept together just stolen moments kissing and groping. Last time I saw him was 3 weeks ago. He ghosted me for a month, sent me a long message saying how sorry he was, he was scared and like a fool I let him straight back in. Lock down has made me open my eyes. He says hes falling in love with me but makes it clear he will never leave his wife. He doesn't plan on being a part time dad then says but I think about you all the time. lucky if I get one message a day. I can't do this. Hit me yesterday that this needs to stop. Whats helped me is reading lots of things online about being the other woman.

@thecatsarecrazy I read that society is more understanding of murder, gambling, fraud etc than infidelity. I think I can believe it if you see threads in here.

Ironically in the midst of my affair I'd tell myself 'I'm not killing anyone'.

Oh I forgot that I found some links on you tube. American dude. Very helpful. I think I googled recovery after infidelity and there was loads of good stuff there.