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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In a state of shock

140 replies

MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 11:46

I have been with my partner for two years and we were after the 1 year mark actively trying for a baby (we were both 34 when we met.) Fast forward to the coronovirus, we have had no luck trying for our baby so far and decided to put a halt on it whilst things are as they are. When quarantine came in my partner seemed to be kicking his feet about staying in (we live together.) He said it was because he felt it was an overblown reaction and he felt trapped but I could tell there was something else to it.

Well turns out he has secretly been seeing someone else for almost the whole duration of our relationship, not only did she fall pregnant but she has had their son. My partner confessed this to me and promptly moved in with her to quarantine. They have been making homemade dinners together, going for long car rides with their son and walks in nature according to FB.

I am absolutely in a state of shock. I feel like I can't breathe. My life has literally been turned inside out over night. We were trying to start our own family and now he has a family with her and they seem so happy. I don't know what to do anymore. I am quarantining alone in my home and don't even really care if I got sick and died at this point.

OP posts:
okiedokieme · 06/04/2020 11:50

So sorry, don't know what to say except have a virtual hug. You aren't the first or last to have this happen but at the moment it's harder as you can't even be comforted by friends and family. Is there someone you could stay with until lockdown ends? Perhaps not ideal but for your mental health it seems like you being on your own is a bad idea so within the rules.

Take care

DBML · 06/04/2020 11:51

I’m so sorry this has happened to you, but try to look at it as a lucky escape. Men like him are never happy and a screaming baby in the mix is sure to make him think twice eventually, once the novelty has worn off. Just remember not to take this waste of space back xx

burntpinky · 06/04/2020 11:51

So so sorry. Didn’t want to read and run. Just a hand hold xx

AlwaysCheddar · 06/04/2020 11:52

Wow! I’m sure you are not thinking this right now but lucky escape for you as he sounds like a right knob.

ChewChewIsMySpiritAnimal · 06/04/2020 11:52

What a piece of shit he is. I'm sorry you've lost the dream you thought you had, but at least you found out before he got you pregnant.

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 11:52

It's against the rules for me now to go into another home or to be with family. I would have to drive quite a way to get to them risking a fine or contaminating them. I feel like I'm in hell having to sit out a quarantine for god knows how long all on my own knowing my partner is happy as larry with his other woman and baby. I have been resisting the urge to go out and tempt my fate with getting sick because I just don't care anymore. It would almost be a relief - life can't get any worse at this point.

OP posts:
Crackerscheesescabbyknees · 06/04/2020 11:54

Is the other woman with the child aware that he had been with you the entire time?

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 11:55

The disgusting thing is he also said to me that it was taking so long for us to have a baby and it happened quickly with her. She also knew about me and STILL went ahead with all of this. I have so much anger inside I've even dreamt about killing them. I'm a good person and I feel these two have been an evil force in my life.

OP posts:
Fudgewhizz · 06/04/2020 11:55

Holy crap, no wonder you’re in shock!! What an awful thing to happen. But - you’ve well and truly dodged a bullet by getting shot of this man. Does she know about you? Be glad you haven’t had a baby with this awful excuse for a human. It’ll feel horrendous in the short term but in the long term I’m sure you’ll be extremely glad that you don’t have a child tying you to him. They may seem happy now but if he’s had a CHILD without telling you then who knows what he’ll do to her. Flowers

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 11:56

@Crackerscheesescabbyknees apparantly yes. He told me that she'd known about me from the beginning. He told her we were a casual relationship of convenience. He would have been sleeping with us both without protection.

OP posts:
FlaskMaster · 06/04/2020 11:56

Well he's not that happy, is he, if he was carrying on with you all this time. He's a complete snake and you are very lucky you can get rid of him. That poor woman will always have to see him in some capacity, as they share a kid. Does she know? I would tell her. She needs to know who he is, and she needs to know to get an std test. I hope you've had one op. Sorry this happened to you, but it's such a blessing in disguise to find out how awful this guy is.

Fudgewhizz · 06/04/2020 11:56

She knew about you? More fool her for having a baby with him then.

FlaskMaster · 06/04/2020 11:57

X-posted. Stuff them then, they deserve each other.

copycopypaste · 06/04/2020 11:57

He's an absolute shit bag. I know it doesn't feel like it at the moment, but you'll be glad this happened.

Just imagine how you'd feel if you'd have a child with this man, he'd moved in and you found out he'd been seeing another woman and trying for a child throughout your relationship. He's no prize to be won and I pity the ow.

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 11:57

I know in the long run I am lucky to escape this man but I can't process this right now. This was supposed to be my partner and child and life and now I have nothing and he 'has it all' and he got there by cheating. I have never felt so low in my life. I'll also need to go get an STI check because he has slept with both of us unprotected. Just what I need right now to go to a doctors in the middle of the coronovirus. I absolutely hate him.

OP posts:
DBML · 06/04/2020 11:58

He told you that she knew about you 🤨
Are you sure that’s true? I wouldn’t believe a word he said.

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 11:58

@FlaskMaster she knows everything but is absolutely blinded by love for him especially now they have a baby together. She really thinks she won and he chose her.

OP posts:
pigdogridesagain · 06/04/2020 12:00

Oh hunny, I know exactly how your feeling and it's horrendous. My ex did the same sort of thing. I know it feels like your world has ended right now but you will get through this and come out the other end. Stop looking at social media and torturing yourself, they are a pair of cunts who deserve each other. They may be happy now but trust me when I say that won't last, it's just a waiting game to see which one cheats first. Focus on yourself , get through each day as best you can.

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 12:01

@DBML she and I exchanged some messages on FB when this first came out in the wash. He changed his FB to in a relationship with her (sounds like some teenage rubbish I know) and I went onto her page. Quite a lot was public. She is the exact opposite of me physically. I'm blonde/blue eyed, she has green eyes and dark hair. Also younger than him (of course.) She told me that she is in love with him and they are working on their family and she is happy to wipe the slate clean and leave the past in the past. How can she be so forgiving of him?

OP posts:
Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 12:03

He did such a good job of keeping this all quiet, I had no idea anything was wrong with us. But now it's all out he seems happily sloppy about it all. Posting about 'his world' on FB constantly. I know I need to stop looking but I just feel so alone.

OP posts:
DBML · 06/04/2020 12:03

@MarshaLives

She is a fool then. He will cheat on her constantly. He already has. She has ‘won’ the most miserable of lives and a shit dad for her baby.

I know it doesn’t feel it, but you really are the lucky one. You haven’t lost anything worth keeping.

pigdogridesagain · 06/04/2020 12:05

She is forgiving him because she thinks she's won and that she's different, he won't treat her like that! She's obviously incredibly insecure to tolerate being the dirty secret in the first place. This man won't change and give it a while and she will be going through the same hell you are going through now. Serves the bitch right 🙄

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 12:06

@DBML I know that I should thank my lucky stars, but I keep seeing the FB pictures going round and round in my head. Him making her dinners, them going on walks, both hugged up on the sofa. She has the biggest smile on her face, like the cat that got the cream. He is probably being a really good partner/father right now even if he won't be forever. It makes me sick to think about. It doesn't help that I have sweet F a to distract myself with stuck in neverending quarantine.

OP posts:
Snowymascot · 06/04/2020 12:07

She needs to remember how they found each other as that’s how they will lose each other.

Massive hugs to you OP, I know it won’t seem like it now but you age had a lucky escape Xx

DBML · 06/04/2020 12:10

Op

At the moment your ex and his ‘world’ are in lockdown together. She’ll be feeling very content.

Once the world opens back up, she will worry every time he leaves the house. She’ll be anxious every time he’s home late. She’ll never really be able to trust him and it will eat away at her over time, making her jealous and possessive and controlling. He will have to live like this and it damn well serves him right...until he moves on or cheats again.

You may find he tries to come back to you once isolation is over and he doesn’t like the disrupted nights, dirty nappies and lack of ‘romance’. Be sure to send him away.