In a state of shock

[MarshaLives]

I have been with my partner for two years and we were after the 1 year mark actively trying for a baby (we were both 34 when we met.) Fast forward to the coronovirus, we have had no luck trying for our baby so far and decided to put a halt on it whilst things are as they are. When quarantine came in my partner seemed to be kicking his feet about staying in (we live together.) He said it was because he felt it was an overblown reaction and he felt trapped but I could tell there was something else to it.

Well turns out he has secretly been seeing someone else for almost the whole duration of our relationship, not only did she fall pregnant but she has had their son. My partner confessed this to me and promptly moved in with her to quarantine. They have been making homemade dinners together, going for long car rides with their son and walks in nature according to FB.

I am absolutely in a state of shock. I feel like I can't breathe. My life has literally been turned inside out over night. We were trying to start our own family and now he has a family with her and they seem so happy. I don't know what to do anymore. I am quarantining alone in my home and don't even really care if I got sick and died at this point.

@MarshaLives please, please, please block the social media. You are torturing yourself by looking at their so called happy set up!

Believe me, at some point down the line, the shitbag will do the same to this stupid girl. She thinks she's got the prize, but duplicitous people like him will get bored with the baby.

Just imagine if you had become pregnant? Things will have been a lot more shittier with another baby involved, so hurtful as it is, thank goodness this has all come out now.

It will take time to get over this. It is hard (I was cheated on by my ex) but eventually you will get to a point where they will be a fleeting thought of disdain. You will be hurting and raging right now, but you deserve a lot more better than that scum! Please don't be hard on yourself or ever think it was your fault.

You need to block their social media pages for your own mental well being. Just cut the cord and look away permanently. He's not worth your head space or your tears.

Get angry. Get checked. And lean on your loved ones while you move forward.

@rosabug you raise some good points here, thank you.

I've been looking at it in terms of winning and losing because she has with him everything we were supposed to have. As much as he has turned out to be a grade a prick, my heart needs time to catch up to what my head knows so it feels like she got him, the baby, the perfect life, I feel quite robbed and yes as though I've lost.

But I also see what you are saying about her not really having won anything....not being stuck with someone like him.

I don't think I'm in a headspace to think clearly about the relationship, only that I never felt or saw anything being wrong, which makes me even more afraid. My first spidey sense kicked in when quarantine came up and he seemed restless about staying in, but I've never had any other gut instincts about him at all which worries me honestly.

We met through friends and clicked quickly. We never really argued. I suppose the only red flag now would be having to stay late or sort things at work but I trusted him and he would message me from work etc so I never thought anything bad was going on.

I’m so sorry but thank God you found out before you had a baby
As for the other woman “ winning “ him, he’s hardly a prize is he? He’s a lying cheating shite who will probably cheat on her too before long

I'll bet my bottom dollar that he's finding "family life" in lockdown with a small baby absolute hell . One thing being doting daddy for a couple of hours then escaping to his other life, another thing being 24 hour hands on doting daddy with no get out clause.

I would keep strong OP, you might find him turning back up on your doorstep with a tale of woe . You will know that he is lying, his lips will be moving.

As others have said, you have had a lucky escape, it hurts now, but in the long run , when you have found your true lobster and have a loving family you will realise that this has saved you from a lifetime of hurt.

Oh, @MarshaLives this is so horrible, and I know just how bad it feels. I’m going to share advice, much of which I got on here when mine left and I was devastated.

First of all, make sure you eat and drink enough; sugary tea (I did this for only time in my life!) and anything at all you fancy to eat. Even if you don’t feel hungry you’ll feel worse if starving.

Second, tell people . It was such a relief when I did this, after feeling the shame, and I got amazing support from surprising sources.lots of other people have been through it too even though you might not know.

I also ordered new bedding and made my bedroom a glittery vintagey haven. It was easier then mind, as at least I could go to all the cheap shops! A change really helped me. Even if you can’t get the stuff you could plan.

If you feel really awful contact your GP. I was prescribed beta blockers and a few diazepam for the panic and to get some sleep. 💐

He can’t be that amazing a dad if he was happy to still be trying for a baby with you and leaving her to deal with newborn life overnight alone all the time until the lockdown happened.

I think you’re much better off without him.

@Mascotte thank you so much for your kind reply. I've been struggling to eat actually especially with deliveries mostly cancelled due to the virus. I'm going to get myself a big pizza, chocolates, and a bottle of wine for after I block them both.

What an absolute arsehole! And she must be fucking stupid to think he won’t do the same to her!

As for social media, I’ve got friends who put up pictures of their “perfect” lives all the time. They then call me regularly to moan about their partners and tell me about all their arguments.

I often find that the people who are truly happy, are content with just enjoying the moment and don’t feel the need to post everything on SM, as they aren’t desperate for the approval/likes from others.

You will get through this and come out stronger. Big hugs.

Op thank the lord! You are in a great situation right now. ( of course you wish he wasn't a lying arse), but he is and you do not have a baby with him, you also can heal from now on plus the risks of you catching anything else is come now.

Yes you can cry and be mad as fuck but this other person isn't living the life at all, she is insecure, scared, hoping that this lo is well behaved so you ex doesn't get bored and leave them too. They have a relationship that is use to never spending a lot of time together and now they are with lockdown and a baby.

I went through all this at Christmas and the pictures of my ex's ladies fanny was stuck in my head Until I work hard for it not to be.

I do not give a sweet f how it what my ex does, I will not look at his Socials because I'm stronger than that, I will not have any contact because I'm stronger than that and I WILL NOT MISS THE LIES HE TOLD OE
DWELL ON A RELATIONSHIP THAT IS IN YUE PAST. Because I'm stronger than that!

Use this time to plan you future, and not think of all the stuff your
Missing or they are doing.
She does not at all think she won because this is only the start and she spent her whole pregnancy hidden which is just shameful!

Awful. As the first poster said you aren’t the first or last. There’s nothing you could have done.

Lock down may be a blessing. Yes it sounds like torture re living it all on your win but you can use the quiet tine and isolation to really feel the pain and process it. You don’t have to be brave or put on a front.
Be as miserable as you can be and when things outside gradually return to normal you’ll know you can good with anything.

Think about it OP - if he really did tell her that his relationship with you was casual, yet when she gave birth to his child he still didn't move out to live with her WTF does that say about the state of this relationship?! It basically took a global pandemic to force him to leave. There's no happy family life going on there, just two deeply deluded people and one poor baby stuck in the middle.

The fact that they're now posting about it brazenly is another indication of their delusion and determination to rewrite history to try and paint this as something other than the sordid mess it actually is. It's laughable.

Give it is on social media, are your friends not already aware of it? Why would you not tell them about it? You need more people in your corner, you don't need to feel alone whilst dealing with this.

He's an absolute twat, as is she. You deserve so much more then him and thank goodness you didn't conceive and have him as your Childs father.
I swear there is an inverse happiness facebook rule: people who post the most often and the 'happiest' posts are usually deeply unhappy. Its a smoke screen. Give it 6 months and he'll have left her - or vice versa.

In the meantime talk - don't cover it up, get angry and vent, but you will come out the other side and be happy.

He’s a vile loser. Pity the poor OW and child. You have been given the gift of a second chance at life and love. Take care xx

Sorry to hear this OP, what a horrible situation for you, and what horrible timing. I know it doesn't seem like it now as its normal to just see what they have together; but you will look back on this as a blessing. If she was aware of you (probably unlikely, he has proven himself to be a liar), then she is more than welcome to him, what a nasty pair! Yes to the chocolate, wine, facetime friends, have a pamper if you have toiletries in that you were saving, and pop something on netflix. It might not seem like it now, but you will be okay

What a disgusting piece of shit your ex is. I am so so sorry that you are going through this. Honestly the depravity that some people will sink to.

Dear lady please don't endanger yourself. I know you feel suicidal and rightfully so! But the sum will shine again I promise. You could meet someone new, someone who is true to you to next year and will be your forever person.

Do not let this person ruin anymore of your life. If you can find any counselling online by video call I suggest you try and find that by googling it. It sounds like you so much support right now. Feel free to msg me. Don't bear this alone. Reach out to your family.

Your life can still happen. You survived without him before and you can again! You've still got time xxx

This happened to me 25 years ago for a few years on and off but I dumped him. Over the years he has lived with women for a year or two, then when the novelty wore off, moved on to the next one. Be confident that he won't change, they rarely do. They are unable to sustain long term relationships because what they love is the honeymoon period, the rush to the penis, the chasing and the getting the woman. This is what reassures them of their attractiveness and feeds their ego. I'm so pleased I let it go even though at the time I dropped two stone and missed him dreadfully. What sort of human being lies and cheats with their total lack of integrity and honesty like this? They really are dreadful.

So just after she had the baby, he was still coming home to you and you guys were married. That’s going to fuck her up in the head, she will never ever trust him. She knowingly slept with him whilst he was sleeping with you. Her self esteem must be rock bottom and I’m sure she’ll have some mental health difficulties because of all of this.

In years to come when you have moved on and as you say your heart has caught up. You will be the winner out of all of this. Their relationship is trash!!!

What have his family said about it? Do they know about the baby?

Oh OP that is awful for you.

You know rationally that you are so much better off, but that doesn't stop it from hurting hugely. And because of lockdown, you can't go to friends or family for a hug.

Can you do some online yoga or a really tough fitness session, just to exhaust yourself each day?

A broken heart is not easily mended - it will take time. But take it one day at a time.

Big hugs

What an absolute piece of shit they both are. It may seem like she has 'won' but she'll spend the whole relationship looking over her shoulder as she knows what he's capable of.
He will 100% do the same to her, people like him never change. Throw a few sleepless nights into the equation along with a relationship already built on lies the wheels will soon start to fall off.
Buy the wine and pizza, have a good cry and block them both on social media. In a few months when you're living your best life she'll be in your position, karmas a bitch.
Keep talking on here, even though we're on lockdown there's always support on here x

This is very wise.

She is a fool then. He will cheat on her constantly. He already has. She has ‘won’ the most miserable of lives and a shit dad for her baby

I know it doesn’t feel it, but you really are the lucky one. You haven’t lost anything worth keeping

Sun not sum* sorry

I’m furious on your behalf. What a disgusting man. You have dodged a bullet but of course it won’t feel like that yet. Fb will only show what they want to show. It won’t show the reality of their lives. She cannot be happy with him in these circumstances. But try not to focus on them. Block them and focus on yourself now. Have you got good friends and family to look after you? In such exceptional circumstances it might be worth isolating with family.

Marsha I'm so sorry💐
this woman may feel as if she has won him but he is not a prize he is a curse, any person who can behave like that is a curse😔

He’s been cheating on your both. He’s not a prize to be won.

I can understand how hurt you must feel though, as ow is living ‘your’ life.