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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

In a state of shock

140 replies

MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 11:46

I have been with my partner for two years and we were after the 1 year mark actively trying for a baby (we were both 34 when we met.) Fast forward to the coronovirus, we have had no luck trying for our baby so far and decided to put a halt on it whilst things are as they are. When quarantine came in my partner seemed to be kicking his feet about staying in (we live together.) He said it was because he felt it was an overblown reaction and he felt trapped but I could tell there was something else to it.

Well turns out he has secretly been seeing someone else for almost the whole duration of our relationship, not only did she fall pregnant but she has had their son. My partner confessed this to me and promptly moved in with her to quarantine. They have been making homemade dinners together, going for long car rides with their son and walks in nature according to FB.

I am absolutely in a state of shock. I feel like I can't breathe. My life has literally been turned inside out over night. We were trying to start our own family and now he has a family with her and they seem so happy. I don't know what to do anymore. I am quarantining alone in my home and don't even really care if I got sick and died at this point.

OP posts:
NicLondon1 · 06/04/2020 12:11

OMFG. What an absolute Sh*t!!!

However - once the dust has settled, you must thank your lucky stars that you have NOT had a child with this man. And you deserve SO much better!
To live 2 separate lives for so long, you have to be a bit of a sociopath, it is not normal. He would have destroyed your life at some point with his deceit, and much better sooner rather than later. Yes it is 2 years wasted, but thank God it is not a decade wasted.

You need to focus on picking yourself up, dusting yourself off and once this virus is over, you can meet somebody much more worthy & honest who will make you happy.

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 12:13

Thank you so much @DBML

I definitely will never take him back. Even when I feel lonely, self-hating or desperate, I could never reach out to someone who could do such a thing to me. I feel like our entire rel was a lie which is one of the most painful hurts I've ever experienced.

All that gets me through is thinking they will go through their own hell one day. I can't wish them well.

OP posts:
Lifeisabeach09 · 06/04/2020 12:14

He is a bastard!

As PP have said, OP, he has done you a favour in the grand scheme of things. You can move on without any ties to him. It would have been far more shit if he'd done this to you whilst you were pregnant or with a baby.
Focus on you and your life. Flowers

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 12:14

@NicLondon1 you know it's interesting, I thought his behaviour was pretty sociopathic myself. I mean who tries for a baby with two women at the same time? It's absolutely beyond me. I realise something must be very very very wrong with him. I am also scared that I never saw any sign of it. We had a happy rel, or so I thought.

OP posts:
KittyLane1 · 06/04/2020 12:16

Delete and block on social media. Stop thinking of his as your partner, he has made it clear that he isnt.

DBML · 06/04/2020 12:17

That’s right op! Your pain right now is raw, but limited. It won’t last.

Her’s is going to last a lifetime as that’s the choice she’s made.

If this had to happen to me, I’d rather be in your position right now. Short term pain, long term gain!

Be kind to yourself op. Xx

ScrambledSmegs · 06/04/2020 12:17

What a mug she is! As if he's going to be happy and faithful in a relationship with her, now he knows that she'll willingly be treated like that. He's a dirtbag and will continue to be one.

And I promise you that's exactly what everyone else is thinking too.

PheasantPlucker1 · 06/04/2020 12:21

Block all the social media, its honestly only going to make you feel worse!

It may not feel like it, but you are the lucky one. Imgaine being stuck in quarantine with a cheating bastard who left you alone with a newborn to visit his girlfriend... thats what your charming ex did.

She hasnt won anything worth having.

MashedSpud · 06/04/2020 12:21

You had a lucky escape op. It won’t seem like that for a while but if he can sleep with others and lie about it then it won’t be long until he’s doing it again.

There could have been even more sexual partners.

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 12:22

@ScrambledSmegs that's exactly what I thought. How on earth could she be so easy going and forgiving about all of this? Does she really think he magically won't do this to her? Is it just baby goggles? Oh he will be good to me because I've had his baby. I can't believe she could be so naive. I want to punch both of them tbh.

OP posts:
Dontletitbeyou · 06/04/2020 12:23

He’s a twat , he was sleeping with both of you , lying to both of you ( just don’t believe he was totally honest with her ). It won’t last with her , those type of men are never happy . Today she’s is world , but in a few months , he’ll have most likely got bored and he’ll be off shagging someone else . These type NEVER stay faithful .
Right now you feel shit , lockdown magnifies that feeling of rejection and isolation 100 fold. What he’s fine is fucking disgusting , but it says nothing about you and everything about him . As all the others above have said , you have dodged a bullet , it doesn’t feel like , but honestly and truly you have .
She’s looking like the cat that got the cream , she’s the cat that got the worthless wanker , yay her .
Look after yourself , and if you can , try not to look at his FB , it can’t help but hurt you .
Hope you get to a better place soon , and HE gets cockrot and it stops working .
You deserve so much better . Xxxx

Yankeescot · 06/04/2020 12:27

Wow, just wow! I'm so sorry you're going through this right now and the shock must be horrifying. As if they're isn't enough to be stressed about! I can somewhat relate to how you feel as ex fiance did something similar to me 4 years ago. No baby involved, but absolutely one of the hardest times of my life as I'd given up my flat when we decided to live together in his flat. Fast forward 1.5 years and he pulled nearly the same bs on me. I was the most heartbroken I'd ever been, suddenly homeless and never thought I'd get through it. But I did, and you will too.

Looking back it was the best thing that could have happened for you. You deserve soooo much better than this arsehole! Your life is going to be so much better getting shot of him. Someone that has the capacity to do this to you doesn't love you, they only love themselves. And could care less who they hurt. Let those 2 get on with it and don't for a second consider taking him back when he comes back around once he realises that babies are hard work. Because he will sniff back around, probably a text in the next week or 2 asking how you're getting on. He doesn't deserve a response from you.

StealthPolarBear · 06/04/2020 12:28

Facebook will show the best of things.
It won't show their bad times, or the times he's thinking wtf have I done.
She has won. Her prize is also her punishment.
I'm so sorry you're grieving for the life you thought you'd have, particularly at the moment. But it was all built on a lie, he isn't the man you thought he was. So it was always set to come tumbling down. As will their new found happiness at some point soon I suspect.
Do you have friends and colleagues? Are you having regular chats? Can you confide in someone?

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 12:28

I am going to block them both today, but unfortunately some images are already in my mind :(

I try to tell myself that there will also be sleepless nights, leaky breasts, changing stinky diapers, boring baby songs on repeat and plenty of screaming (they live in a little flat) as well as long walks, drives and a full fridge.

I just cant believe my 'perfect' ex partner turned out to be so absolutely rotten.

OP posts:
Shahira78 · 06/04/2020 12:28

This happened to a friend of mine about 5 years ago. She couldn't have kids so he decided to look elsewhere. She was devastated. He is now begging her back because he is so unhappy with his family life and despite the struggle, she has moved on and happier than ever. Sorry you are going through this. You WILL get through this x

snowegg · 06/04/2020 12:28

This sounds awful as everyone has said.
Two things - 'trying for a baby' just means wants unprotected sex
And, you mentioned at the beginning that you couldn't go and live somewhere else because of cv. I think you probably could if it's a permanent move and you all isolate after the move. And it saves your MH. But only you can make that call.

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 12:30

I have friends and colleagues. I don't particularly want to share the extent of this with my colleagues - too embarrassing, and work can sometimes be a bit of a snake pit. There are also some lovely people there.

I do have great friends, 2 very amazing best friends, but I still find this v difficult to talk to people about. It feels so embarrassing to have to say that instead of telling them some good news re a baby or our future I have only bad stuff to tell.

OP posts:
rosabug · 06/04/2020 12:30

You will need to stop thinking in terms of 'winning' and 'losing'. Bad stuff has happened to you and bad stuff IS going to happen to her - him? Well types like him pay in a different way - and TBH sometimes they never have 'to pay', not while there are a host of moronic women wanting to believe he's their prince - they just move on and dump on the next woman, until they get too old and then they 'settle down' wiping out all memory of the past. And stop looking at FB - it's a theatre of fakery.

So what will you do now? Continue crying over facebook? or get real?

What did you think you saw in this man? - because he clearly was not what you thought or wanted him to be? What was that delusion/illusion about? "Win" ??? What are you talking about?

You know what winning might be? - learning to know and trust yourself better.

This could have been 10 years down the road. You are fucking lucky.

Smellbellina · 06/04/2020 12:31

Wow! What a lucky escape OP. Would rather be you than her

ChristmasFluff · 06/04/2020 12:31

There's a Facebook group, Survivors of Sociopaths which has many, many people on it who have been through the same or similar to you, and to the other woman. It might help as a place to sound off when you are alone.

Original poster
MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 12:32

I could go to my brothers house. He lives with his partner but we are all v close. I dont really want to put them out but we all get on very well. It's something for me to consider.

OP posts:
cakeandchampagne · 06/04/2020 12:32

I’m so sorry he has done this to you, but it is good you really know who he is now.

GabsAlot · 06/04/2020 12:33

fb is fake all these im so happy pics are just themselves trying to justify their lives-block them

NicLondon1 · 06/04/2020 12:34

@MarshaLives Yes! And great that you can recognise that.

Also - if this reassures you at all - I'm currently pregnant aged 41 so try not to worry too much about that side of things... You can still find happiness, it's not too late xx

MissMogwai · 06/04/2020 12:35

What a prick.

This would be incredibly hard to deal with at the best of times, but even more so due to the current situation.

I know it's easy for me to say, but block him and her and try to resist looking on their pages if you can. You'll only be hurt more each time.

Can you ring/FaceTime your friends etc and talk it through with them for support?

I'm really sorry that this has happened to you, but he sounds like a complete pig and you are better off without him.

The other woman must have seriously low self esteem to put up with him, and no doubt he'll do the same to her. Serves her right.