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Original poster

In a state of shock

140 replies

MarshaLives · 06/04/2020 11:46

I have been with my partner for two years and we were after the 1 year mark actively trying for a baby (we were both 34 when we met.) Fast forward to the coronovirus, we have had no luck trying for our baby so far and decided to put a halt on it whilst things are as they are. When quarantine came in my partner seemed to be kicking his feet about staying in (we live together.) He said it was because he felt it was an overblown reaction and he felt trapped but I could tell there was something else to it.

Well turns out he has secretly been seeing someone else for almost the whole duration of our relationship, not only did she fall pregnant but she has had their son. My partner confessed this to me and promptly moved in with her to quarantine. They have been making homemade dinners together, going for long car rides with their son and walks in nature according to FB.

I am absolutely in a state of shock. I feel like I can't breathe. My life has literally been turned inside out over night. We were trying to start our own family and now he has a family with her and they seem so happy. I don't know what to do anymore. I am quarantining alone in my home and don't even really care if I got sick and died at this point.

OP posts:
Wolfgirrl · 06/04/2020 12:57

Gosh what a shock for you. I'm so sorry you have been treated so appallingly. You must feel sick. I dont have any experience of this exact situation but I have received news before that has turned my life upside down and has made me feel betrayed and sick to my stomach.

Firstly, I know how they may seem like a happy family, but how happy are they considering he kept them a secret to pursue his relationship with you? Clearly she was second choice and he has jumped ship now he has been caught out. More fool her for having him, they deserve each other. She will be forever looking over her shoulder for a new OW.

Secondly you need to focus on you. Quarantine isnt ideal for this, but at least you dont have to face the world at the moment if you dont want to. I would use the time to start planning your new life once this is all over. The fab new life where you find somebody that deserves you. Maybe browse holidays, buy some new clothes, treat yourself to whatever you want or organise a girls weekend away. I know it sounds shallow but it's easy to lose all your confidence when things like this happen, you need to spoil yourself and keep your mind on other things. Whatever you do, do not contact him - delete his number and block on all accounts.

I know it looks like he has the perfect little set up at the moment but their life is marred by how it all started, she will always have to wonder. You have the chance to start a totally clean slate with somebody new and wonderful!

What a lucky escape you had OP. I hope you are okay and in time, see this as a blessing. Good luck Flowers

Iateallthecookies000 · 06/04/2020 12:58

Op he WILL be back. You know why? Because they always go back. But you need a plan, use this time to get fit, there’s tons of self esteem boosting videos on YouTube try them. You have to prepared when he comes back. Your time of putting relationship posts up on Facebook will come too, shame we won’t be able to see his face then

1Wildheartsease · 06/04/2020 12:59

Sounds like he is quite the actor!

He fooled both of you in the role of 'devoted partner' ... and now presumably he is fooling her in his role as 'the perfect family man'.

Since he was happily living with/sleeping with both of you but now only has her... clearly, there is a vacency in his life.

Who else will he find to fool (perhaps in role of 'misunderstood man whose partner neglects him for the baby' )?

Skeletoninatutu · 06/04/2020 13:01

Wow....he's a breathtakingly horrific person @MarshaLives
I know you are understandably hurting right now but I think you just had a lucky escape.
Please look after yourself 💐💐💐

Holothane · 06/04/2020 13:01

Huge hugs this is callous and shocking.

Hidingtonothing · 06/04/2020 13:01

You haven’t lost anything worth keeping

This needs to be your mantra because it is 100% true, all he was doing was blocking someone kind and loyal and honest from coming into your life and now you'll be available when they do Flowers

LaurieMarlow · 06/04/2020 13:02

Jesus OP, what a total shitbag. Of course you're devastated right now. Who wouldn't be?

Remind yourself of what a lucky escape you've had. If you'd had a baby with this man, he'd be in your life forever. That's her reality now, not yours. Take care of yourself. It will get better.

Betterversionofme · 06/04/2020 13:02

I suspect other woman was and still is lied to. At least, you don't have a child with that person.

1Wildheartsease · 06/04/2020 13:03

There is a real partner out there for you OP - one not just acting the role for his own warped purposes.

Leave him and his world of cunning illusions behind. Don't take the images on face-book at face-value.

FudgeBrownie2019 · 06/04/2020 13:05

Christ what an arsehole he is. I love the "you haven't lost anything worth keeping" mantra - wise words to live by.

And as little comfort as this is right now, she's not won. She's not got her happy ever after. Because as soon as it gets cloudy he'll be off, fucking someone else - that's who he is and how he lives. Work on staying away from their social media, spend time speaking to friends and family every day, and find your way through this horrible shitshow he's created. The other side for you will be far better than this, I promise. Flowers

mrsfury · 06/04/2020 13:06

Wow what a complete scum bag!! Who actively tries for a baby with 2 women?? I would consider myself very lucky to have dodged that bullet and in the long run you have in fact "won". She's all happy and smiles now because he's with her constantly but once this is over and reality of sleepless nights, dirty Nappies etc set in He will be off out up to his old tricks and she will be the one with the worry of where he is and who's he with.. not you!! He is clearly a sociopath and you will move on eventually to bigger and better things. Just out of curiosity unless I missed something, was he with you first then she came along or was he with her and you unknowingly were the other woman so to speak?

rosabug · 06/04/2020 13:08

@marshalives - yes of course you are trying to catch up with yourself and you will feel and continue to feel anger. Managing anger is really tough. I'm 59 and pretty experienced - been there - done most things and suffered to at the end of (4 years worth of) lies.

I will tell you this with certainty:
He will likely already be surfing dating sites for 'added extra' or most definitely will be within the year. Without a doubt. (BTW - how did you meet him?? )

On some deep deep level she's knows it's built on sand - hence the desperate facebook frontage. When you look at that shit on FB you are literally looking at 2 people peddling a tandem in quicksand. He doesn't give a fuck about reality and she's too young, too stupid, too delusional to understand what is really going on. She's landed a man who has to lie to feel anything.

In the meantime - you can only take it a day at a time. Weep, scream, then get fit and read some self-help books and make plans.

NoMoreDickheads · 06/04/2020 13:08

Block them both on everything OP. It'll make you feel more in control and give you some boost, and you won't see the FB stuff.

Weregoingonanadventure · 06/04/2020 13:10

So sorry OP. You're grieving for what you thought you had and no matter how many times someone says that he's a prick, you're still grieving for the life you thought you had. And that's ok.

You've got to grieve for it before you can move on. You can be heartbroken and angry and feel like you've lost it all, and it's ok because you'll get through the grief and you'll come out the other side where you can think clearly about how awful he is and how lucky you are to have got away and hope thankful you are that you're not tied to him with a child.
It's a massive blow, especially when you want children and I'm just so sorry that you're going through it without the chance to be around your friends. You will get there.

On another note, how do so many men get away with this? Surely if you're living with someone and have a baby with someone else then your friends, parents, wife family must know about them both. How do people get away with it with no one telling one or both partners. Its mind boggling.

notchickenagain · 06/04/2020 13:11

I know you are having a hard time during quarantine . But LOVE it! Without quarantine you would have been none the wiser, been hoodwinked every day, maybe getting pregnant into the mix and still thinking he was the perfect man. But thanks to quarantine you have been spared years of deceit, stis and living with a two-timing creep. How you feel at the moment would be how you'd feel in a few years time but much, much worse. So EMBRACE quarantine, it's the reason for your future happiness Grin

Chickychickydodah · 06/04/2020 13:14

You are better off without him, block everyone on Facebook that is sharing photos, tell him to go fuck him self when he comes crawling back . Hugs 💐

Poppi89 · 06/04/2020 13:14

This relationship will never last - give it a few weeks and she will be paranoid that he is doing the same thing he did to her, and he will be because he will be bored with just having one woman. And you can just laugh because you will be happy with your own life and by then realise how you won.

Try and stay off social media completely, try out a new hobby, go live with your brother - anything to keep your mind off of it. It will get easier every day I promise. And just remember YOU have won!

Coughsyrupsucks · 06/04/2020 13:16

@MarshaLives I am so sorry, you must be in shock. Think of it this way, he’s 36 and he’s a sociopath (who does this??) and he’s probably got a few more of these families to create In a similar fashion until he’s in his 50’s. He’s got away with this once and obviously loved the thrill. She’s now tied to his shit waggon until her kid is 18. She hasn’t won, she’s spectacularly lost.

Block them, and be kind to yourself there was nothing you could have said or done to stop his behaviour.

goldfinchfan · 06/04/2020 13:18

Those two , the ex an his other woman are really nasty people. To deliberately advertise their relationship on FB and hurt you.

It won't last. Anyone who behaves as he did will do it again. They always do.

And OP as other are saying you have actually had a lucky break, worse if you were pregnant and the poor child had to grow up with him as the father.
You are in shock now but in time you will see it is good it is over.......you will find the right person, I am sure of it.

Just take care of you for now. Stop looking at FB. The pictures are not the truth, they are the front. It won't be feeling so loved up over there for long.
Do you have any friends to talk to on the telephone for now? you need to spill it all out as much as you can.

UYScuti · 06/04/2020 13:18

This man is an accomplished liar who believes he is entitled to do whatever he likes
Of course this is very painful but ultimately you are better off without this person

TemoraryUsername · 06/04/2020 13:21

Hugs from here my lovely, what a horrible thing to have to deal with Flowers

Delete and block right now - yes chocolate and pizza and all the good stuff, but get the block done right now, no time to dither or take one last look.

Now - remember that social media is a fully edited curated collection of only what people want to show the world. Of course they will look like life is perfect - they are the two most invested people in the world in pretending everything is perfect! She's just shackled up with a guy who was trying to get somebody else pregnant, and he's just left his live in stable relationship for his bit on the side. Both are too infested invested to be able to admit that it's anything other than divine fate to themselves, let alone the rest of the world!

Their reality will be driving each other up the wall very quickly, arguments, pubes in the shower, so much baby vomit and crying, health worries and a hard crash down to reality. They'll never show it on Facebook, but sure as eggs is eggs it will happen - same with him sticking his dick in any and every other person who falls for his lies as soon as he gets the chance.

Dontunderestimateme · 06/04/2020 13:24

I'm glad you are going to block them both. It sounds like they are desperately trying to prove that everything is lovely. The reality is, that in a small flat, with a new baby, no one is having a lovely easy time. Especially two people who have only just begun living together, when one of them at least, is a complete arse! Hang in there. You will come out the other side, and realise how lucky you are that you found out when you did.

peanutsandpinenuts · 06/04/2020 13:24

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Sending hugs it the virtual universe. As others have said you are well shot of this total creep, but I know that probably seems like scant consolation when faced with the betrayal and the hurt. You can get through this. Love and strength xxxx

Taciturn · 06/04/2020 13:26

Moving house is a legitimate exemption to the coronavirus 2020 restrictions on movement legislation (para.6 2l)

You can leave!!

UYScuti · 06/04/2020 13:29

I think he's going to come unstuck very quickly because this isn't what he had planned, I suspect he had plan to string both of you along for much longer, I suspect the thing that he was getting off on was the power that he had of keeping you both dangling so that he could just take what he wanted when he wanted it.
I think that was the thing that was feeding him