In a state of shock

[MarshaLives]

I have been with my partner for two years and we were after the 1 year mark actively trying for a baby (we were both 34 when we met.) Fast forward to the coronovirus, we have had no luck trying for our baby so far and decided to put a halt on it whilst things are as they are. When quarantine came in my partner seemed to be kicking his feet about staying in (we live together.) He said it was because he felt it was an overblown reaction and he felt trapped but I could tell there was something else to it.

Well turns out he has secretly been seeing someone else for almost the whole duration of our relationship, not only did she fall pregnant but she has had their son. My partner confessed this to me and promptly moved in with her to quarantine. They have been making homemade dinners together, going for long car rides with their son and walks in nature according to FB.

I am absolutely in a state of shock. I feel like I can't breathe. My life has literally been turned inside out over night. We were trying to start our own family and now he has a family with her and they seem so happy. I don't know what to do anymore. I am quarantining alone in my home and don't even really care if I got sick and died at this point.

I’m so sorry Op I’ve been there too!
I was with dp from age 15, when our dd was 2 he disappeared. After logging into his social media I discovered he had been seeing another woman, probably for longer than I first thought.

The worst thing was I had invited her into my home! He brought her along with her “boyfriend” she was heavily pregnant. I later discovered it was dp baby and the boyfriend was just a lie to keep me in the dark!

So the inevitable happened, he moved in with her, never saw our child but played daddy to her other child and their one in the way. I received awful messages from them both, they played happy families on social media etc.

I struggled a lot at first, I barely ate and lost a lot of weight, I spend hours looking online at photos of them, drove myself crazy. I jumped into a few crap relationships, but they didn’t work out.

Eventually I focused on myself, found a better job and genuinely enjoying spending time just me and dd.

A few months passed and the idiot turned up at my doorstep. She had cheated on him and left him, now pregnant with someone else’s baby. I refused to entertain the idea of getting back together.

Fast forward 4 years, I met someone awesome. We had some lovely dates together and slowly did things as a family. We moved in together after 2 years and are now in the process of buying a house together. He really is the loveliest person. I am now 30 and we age trying for a baby very soon ( I had dd age 18).

The reason for my story (sorry about the length) is to show you how things change. If someone would of told me when I was 20 that I would meet someone else, I wouldn’t of believed them. But honestly there are amazing people out there.

Don’t give up op, focus on yourself. You will meet someone else one day, if you want to.

Can I ask how old you are?

You need to read chumplady.com. Full of similar stories but lots too of people moving on and finding a better life while their cheating ex finds theirs only gets worse. Have a look - that's what you will reach further down the line.
As a pp said, he will be back - only you will have realised then that you're the prize, not him. I did!

I'm amazed that he is posting all over social media. How is he explaining a new baby with a new partner? Did his parents already know? Did his friends?

You have had a lucky escape.

Bloody hell. This so truly terrible. But thank God you didn't fall pregnant.
What an arse hole.
Try and use this time to sort out your head and figure out what you want to do after the lock down. X

Please block them both on social media, or even take your own profile offline. Looking at them is only going to cause you more upset. What have your mutual friends said? He must look like a right prat posing in his new relationship with an immediate baby.

Not sure I understand. He's always had social media, and I presume it was obvious he was in a relationship with you? Photos, etc.

But now he's in one with her and posting all about this new baby, etc?

If that's the case, I can pretty much guarantee you that everyone on his friend list thinks he's a disgusting twat and she's a complete idiot.

Beyond shameless. Who does that?? They must really be a special type of moron. Somebody for everyone, right enough.

I'm so sorry, OP.

This man is a total shitbag.

You will not feel like this forever.

Just keep going.

I’m so sorry for you. Better days will come. Xx

What an absolute piece of shit.

You are SO LUCKY. Thank god you weren't the one who got pregnant and ended up with him. I imagine if you had, he'd have carried on and got both of you pregnant, and when it came out you'd have obviously chucked him but you'd still have to have him in your life forever, as your child's father.

That poor stupid stupid woman - but that's her lookout.

You're in shock, be kind to yourself, distract yourself - this will pass.

You have had such an absolute escape!!

Wow! I mean well done you OP for reaching out and asking for advice and support, you did the right thing. Your emotions won't suddenly die down but I can't see any reality in the future where you look back and think that he was a catch. I have so many questions! Not for you to answer of course as I'm sure you don't know, I'm so curious what his excuse was when she was giving birth, was he there and made an excuse to you about why he wasn't home, or did he make up a reason to her about why he couldn't be by her side? Does his family think of him as an excellent father and partner? (I seriously, seriously doubt that). I really wouldn't be surprised if in future, this woman is desperately trying to contact you to ask how you dealt with it as she would then be dealing with something very similar. I've seen that happen before. You must be feeling so rubbish right now, I wish I could give you a real hug but here's a virtual hug you have nothing to feel bad about. The fact is, people like him actively work to make sure that you won't have any clue about what's going on. It's nothing to do with what you 'should have seen'. He's a dirty dirty scumbag and this is just the beginning of his nastiness.

This is devastating and has come at an awful time. I can't imagine how horrible you feel. But at least you didn't have a child with this waste man and get tied to him for life. It's absolutely disgusting he let you try for a child with him while doing this. You have every right to feel all the rage. Sending love.

Also, don't think for a second that he won't keep checking up on your social media to see how you're 'coping'. He will thrive on seeing any hint of sadness from you now. (Because he's a scumbag and that's what they do). Blocking him won't just help you not to obsess over what he's doing, it will make sure that he can't get his fill of self gratification. Block her too and anybody he knows that would check up on you for him xx

I think that you'll remember the person that you were 2 years ago before you met him, two years isn't that long.

Your future babies deserve and will have a much better Dad and you will have a glorious motherhood.

Feel sorry for her baby that it’s mother had such low self worth she actively accepted such crumbs of a family life on behalf of her baby until CV rumbled it.

Why didn’t he leave you sooner - the answer to that is why he will leave her and his baby.......she has 18 years of shit ahead. She just doesn’t know it yet.

But you need to express and process your emotions. Feel the anger and the rage. Sit with it. Journal it. Read all the online stuff which will validate your feelings and show you that you are not alone.

Don’t block your feelings - but also don’t do anything negative with the anger energy. Be careful of your behaviours. So no engagement with him directly or indirectly.

Turn your back.

You have been deeply wounded so you need to take care of yourself. You are in deep shock.

Are there any practical things that need doing? What are your living and financial arrangements?

So sorry op look after yourself

Im so so sorry. They are both scum and as awful as it feels you will get through this! Take this time to read, meditate and focus solely on yourself. This is a horrific time but in the grand scheme will be a blip and you will come out better

He sounds cruel and callous,and has no respect for you, so as said before, a lucky escape for you. You don't need a man who has no principles in life, they are the worst kind of males.

Your heartbreak will go in time, but don't seek out photo's on FB, and try not to hate people despite all your anger now.

This is the most horrible mind-bending thing to go through, I sincerely sympathise with you. It's just a nightmare. If there is only one post you read twice on here you should make the one above by Namechange847,1 that lays out how your life can transform over time if you keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to make small but consistent decisions to do the best by yourself.

I have never been in a situation exactly like yours, but I do know how horrifyingly depressing a break up can be. I ended up one night on the phone to the Samaritans, which is not an easy thing, even now, to post on here, but I'm telling you that so you know I've been in bad relationship places and I do know that you can move on and you can make conscious and decisive decisions in your best interest while moving on too. You still have some hard-core head tripping times ahead of you, but if you keep striving to do that every day you will find your way out of the fog much quicker. The best of luck to you, x

It’s so difficult to see now but honestly, as everyone says, what a HUGE escape!!!!!!! Honestly, I feel sorry for her. Tethered forever to this cheating, immoral bastard. She’s not much better, but she is young and vulnerable and stuck. In a few years you will be laughing about that lucky bloody escape with a much better man and a baby of your own, I’m sure. She will be miserable after he has cheated on her for the 10th time. Honestly - that’s how I see things panning our.

Namechange what hell you have endured at the hands of those two psychopaths......and what an inspirational woman you are to have fought back and found love and joy.

My blood boils for you just reading this OP.

I don’t think she’s WON anything. It takes a professional level calculating bastard to do what he did... no way will he have put all that behind him forever. It’s his personality. At least you are actually free of him.

Please be kind to yourself, you need time to recover from this. I hope you are doing ok.

Firstly, you are not alone. Keep posting on here. We are all here for you. Next, she’s won nothing but a disgusting, vile cheat. He’s gross and he has something very very wrong with him. He’s not right. He is obviously very damaged or was brought up wrong or something but normal people don’t do what he did. Pour yourself a glass of wine, punch the air and shout “YES” go on, do it because you have a guardian angel somewhere OP. She’s now stuck with him. For life. You’re not. You’re in your 30’s, your whole life ahead of you and you are FREE. The moment this lockdown is over he’ll be out there shagging somebody else. You know he will. He’s not right. Somebody like him isn’t sticking with her is he? He’s built wrong and that’s not suddenly changing! You now need to work out how to keep him away from you. The first hurdle he will be back, he’ll give you “I just couldn’t stop loving you” “I had to leave her because I realised what a huge mistake i had made” and on and on. He wants you both fighting over him. It’s what gets him hard. It boosts his ego and makes him feel special. It’s the only way he can feel special is to have women all over him. Never EVER take him back or you might as well just flush your life down the toilet. Time to grab the shiny future in front of you. This happened to me when I was early 30’s. I was devastated, lost everything and moved back with my parents broken. It was the best thing I ever did. It allowed me to go back to Uni and retrain. I had the best sex of my life with young hot guys, made my best friend and had some of the best nights of my life. If he hadn’t done what he did I wouldn’t be where I am now and have my gorgeous kids, when I think of him now I cringe inside that I ever let that gross pig touch me.

You can do better and you will.

The best thing would be for you to block him on everything. Lock up your house. Close it down. Go be with people who love you. This is an emergency and you are allowed to travel in an emergency. When you’re there, work out what you want to do next in life. Find a new job, move near your family, start a course. Whatever you do, don’t give him a new phone number or new address or anyway to contact you again.

I’m so sorry, I totally understand that feeling of nasty bitterness and an urge to let everyone know what utter c the pair of them are, him in particular, she may well have been lied to and believed you just to be a ‘casual thing’ etc. It all feels way worse when stuck on your own, can’t go anywhere etc. You have had a lucky escape, although it doesn’t feel like it, who would want to be stuck with this psychopath and a baby!!!

oh OP, I went through something similar - the OW knew about me and did everything she could (naked pictures, full on stalking of us both, hundreds of phone calls) to get my partner to leave me for her. And when he did, she thought she had won - telling me that over and over.

It was so hurtful, and I was so upset. I lost sight of what she had won. And what it was doing to me to be caught up in all of that shit.

And of course, she hadn't really. She had won a cheat who was prepared to sleep with 2 people - however much she wanted to believe that he loved her and was just stringing me along. She chose to believe his lies. But in the long run? She can't trust him. he left her for a third woman and has proved completely horrible. He has contacted me numerous times, and yours will too when the novelty wears off.

It's easy to say - but really? he's cheat and a liar, and she is stuck with him. If he can run two lives parallel, lie to both women and bring a baby into it all, you really are well out of it. I know you can't see it now, but you are.

and if she's the kind of woman who will do this - then she deserves him. She knows what he's like, and she will never be able to trust him. And she was stupid enough to bring a poor baby into it.

It's normal to grieve, and this is a shock of the worse kind, but you will move on, and you will be better out of it. Your heart just needs some time to catch up.

In the meantime - stay away from social media! It won't help you.

I can't understand why he didn't leave to be with her ages ago. What kind of fool is she to accept having a baby with someone who isn't even married to his partner?

Oh OP. My lovely ex also ran another life behind my back. Couldn't run to her fast enough when it all came out. I'm so sorry this has happened and at a time when it is so difficult to have physical support from others. As others have said, try and avoid the engineered social media 'perfect life'. Men like this are incapable of love or commitment. Try and hold on to the fact that you will come through this to the other side and a much better place. Big (virtual) hugs xx