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Original poster

I feel lonely, he ignores me when we go to bed

193 replies

Archinet · 02/04/2020 00:26

Hi all. Hope everyone is okay!
I’ve been dating someone for about 9 months now. I’m in love, I think he is with me. We get on so well, and 99% of the time I am so happy. However... every night we get into bed. I’m always in before him, he climbs in next to me and straight away picks up his phone. He can be on it for a good one-two hours before putting it down and going to sleep. He isn’t even on any form of social media. He’ll just be looking at the news or looking at cars or something random. When he’s done, he puts it down and goes to sleep. No ‘goodnight’ or a kiss or even any sort of effort towards me. We wake up, and the same thing happens in reverse (less amount of time on his phone as we are generally getting up for work). At a weekend, I lie there in the morning thinking ‘he’ll roll over in a minute and want to have sex or something’ and instead he’ll just say ‘right, is it time we got up?’. I’m exhausted by it. I lie in bed wanting to sleep with him, or just have an ounce of romance, and it’s just none existent. He has a stressful job, and I fully appreciate that it will of course change how we are in the bedroom. But there isn’t even an ounce of effort there. If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob. That’s if I’m lucky, a lot of the time he’ll just push me away. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk about it but he just says it’s work stress. Anyone had this before?

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 02/04/2020 07:14

If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob. That’s if I’m lucky, a lot of the time he’ll just push me away. I don’t know what to do

Seriously?

What's in this for you?

Why, after knowing him for just 9 months, are you living together?

Is he a cocklodger?

Clearly this is not working for you.

disappear · 02/04/2020 07:18

Nine months in? This is as good as it’ll get.

Are you sure he’s not looking at pawn? The lack of interest in (real life) sex made me suspect this.

category12 · 02/04/2020 07:25

Well, if you want an unaffectionate, sexless relationship, he's the man for you.

At 9 months in, you guys should be at it like rabbits. Cut your losses. This isn't going to get better.

SavannahCat · 02/04/2020 07:31

Please please don't put up with this, you don't deserve to be emotionally and physically neglected by him, or, anyone, you're worth so much more. I lived with someone like this for 10 years. He was exactly the same as your boyfriend. He rejected me from the first night we slept together, and, that continued throughout the next 10 years. I was with him from the age of 26 to 36 and lost the best years of my life (in terms of fertility). Unless you can talk to him, get him to open up and tell you what's really behind all this?

CodenameVillanelle · 02/04/2020 07:32

Your sex life isn't going to get any better. Can you live with this?

MontysOarlock · 02/04/2020 07:33

If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob and what about your sexual needs?

At a mere 9 months in he is showing you who he is and you need to pay attention. The ignoring and phone browsing are his way of avoiding sex with you.

How old are you both?

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 07:36

He’s 32 and I’m 26. We don’t live together, but live in the same city and spend probably 5/7 nights a week together. He’s affectionate throughout the day or in our evenings together. It’s just completely killed as soon as we go to bed

OP posts:
category12 · 02/04/2020 07:44

He's not particularly interested in sex with you, and he's even less interested in giving you sexual pleasure. What a waste of your youth it will be staying.

Anothernick · 02/04/2020 07:45

Something seriously wrong here. Not normal or acceptable behaviour. There are many better men out there and it's time you started to look for one.

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 07:46

He’s also said it’s because he has a lot on at work and that he usually does have a high sex drive. When we first met he did, it was great. But not so much now, and I can’t see any evidence of it getting better (even when I have tried to discuss it and he recognises what he’s like). Everything else about our relationship is perfect, we cannot get enough of spending time together. But there is absolutely no sex what so ever.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2020 07:55

Please take heed of the other respondents replies.

What do you get out of this relationship now?.

I would also think that sadly the rest of your relationship is not as perfect as you write it is either. This man is not at all bothered with you and why are you accepting so little from him for your own self?. You need to revise your relationship bar a lot higher upwards. He is not all you deserve here - far from it. What you have here is a now sexless relationship that will not improve going forward.

lardass88 · 02/04/2020 07:57

He sounds like my ex.. and this was one of the reasons I ended it with him. As pp said it won't get better.. you'll end up feeling worse and will resent him for it. Have a think of this is what YOU want. I did. And it wasn't. I'd rather be single than in a relationship where I don't feel wanted x

FlowerArranger · 02/04/2020 08:01

I'd rather be single than in a relationship where I don't feel wanted

THIS. With bells on!

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 08:02

But this is the problem, I do feel wanted in the day. He tells me constantly that I’m beautiful, he goes on about how much he loves our time together. He’ll even openly talk about sex with me, but not us having sex. I find myself so frustrated lying in bed staring up at the ceiling whilst he is perfectly happy on his phone or just going to sleep without saying anything to me. I feel alone and rejected but only in bed together. I don’t want us to break up. If we were having sex then our relationship would be perfect. But we aren’t and it is a massive factor.

OP posts:
Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 08:05

He has a really important job, I can understand why he would be stressed with it. And he hasn’t been able to finish before due to stress. I completely understand and I’m willing to talk through this with him, but we just don’t. If I do, he admits he’s not been good in bed (as if it’s something new and recent) lately, but he’ll try more. How can I bring this up in bed? I don’t want to add more pressure if he is stressed.

OP posts:
category12 · 02/04/2020 08:07

He’s also said it’s because he has a lot on at work and that he usually does have a high sex drive.

He's 32, not 52. What he says and what he does do not match. You have to look at people's actions, not what they claim about themselves.

You've only been together a short time, it should still be fireworks in the bedroom, not a flatline.

FlowerArranger · 02/04/2020 08:25

he goes on about how much he loves our time together. He’ll even openly talk about sex with me, but not us having sex

He is playing games with you. At the end of the day it really doesn't matter why he doesn't want to have sex with you. The fact is, he doesn't. And you are not just miserable - this is eating away at your self-esteem. You think he doesn't want you because something is wrong with you.

I'd stop overthinking this, if I were you. The fact that you are miserable ought to be enough.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 02/04/2020 08:32

Please listen to the likes of FlowerArranger.

Its not you, its him. You are with Mr Wrong here and on some level you know it as well.

LizzieSiddal · 02/04/2020 08:38

And he hasn’t been able to finish before due to stress. I completely understand and I’m willing to talk through this with him, but we just don’t. If I do, he admits he’s not been good in bed (as if it’s something new and recent) lately, but he’ll try more

This is really important. If he hasn’t been able to finish, he’s probably worried sick about having sex, so is avoiding it.

I’d have a chat with him, whilst not in bed. Tell him you understand he’s stressed, but the way he completely ignores you in bed is making you feel dreadful. He needs to have the pressure removed, tell him you just want a cuddle every night for now.

LizzieSiddal · 02/04/2020 08:39

Should have added, with everything going on in the world at the moment he can’t really access help for his problem, but when things get back to normal, he should visit his Dr.

RoLaren · 02/04/2020 08:40

Stress is a big cause of ED. Is he on any medication such as antidepressants? They completely kill libido too. You need to have a frank discussion about your sex lives, otherwise, accept you're not compatible and end it.

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 08:41

He isn’t on anything. He smokes, and we both like having a drink. It’s whenever we actually go out for drinks that we have sex that night, no surprise. But then the alcohol adds to the not being able to finish problem and I think that just adds more pressure for him. I don’t know what to do

OP posts:
LizzieSiddal · 02/04/2020 08:47

“I don’t know what to do”

Talk to him, not in bed, tell him how unhappy you are. But I think you need to take the pressure of him, telling him you want sex, when he’s having erectile issues, is not on really.
But you have every right to tell him his ignoring you in bed is extremely hurtful. Tell him you want cuddles in bed but understand if he doesn’t want sex.

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2020 08:51

He's 32, not 52 52yr olds have perfectly healthy sex drives, it doesn't stop over 50! Grin

OP the relationship isn't working so you need to end it.

We're in lockdown and he shouldn't be visiting. This is how the virus spreads.

Bluntness100 · 02/04/2020 08:55

I’m not sure why you’d feel lucky to give him a blow job, that just sounds all kinds of wrong. It reads like you’re so desperate for affection that even this makes you feel lucky. Giving him a blow job is not your lucky day. Trust me on that.

Look it’s not going to get better. He’s not interested physically. For whatever reason. Only you can decide if you wish a sexless relationship. Some are ok with this, others it would be intolerable.

I think ultimately it will kill your self esteem.