I feel lonely, he ignores me when we go to bed

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Hi all. Hope everyone is okay!
I’ve been dating someone for about 9 months now. I’m in love, I think he is with me. We get on so well, and 99% of the time I am so happy. However... every night we get into bed. I’m always in before him, he climbs in next to me and straight away picks up his phone. He can be on it for a good one-two hours before putting it down and going to sleep. He isn’t even on any form of social media. He’ll just be looking at the news or looking at cars or something random. When he’s done, he puts it down and goes to sleep. No ‘goodnight’ or a kiss or even any sort of effort towards me. We wake up, and the same thing happens in reverse (less amount of time on his phone as we are generally getting up for work). At a weekend, I lie there in the morning thinking ‘he’ll roll over in a minute and want to have sex or something’ and instead he’ll just say ‘right, is it time we got up?’. I’m exhausted by it. I lie in bed wanting to sleep with him, or just have an ounce of romance, and it’s just none existent. He has a stressful job, and I fully appreciate that it will of course change how we are in the bedroom. But there isn’t even an ounce of effort there. If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob. That’s if I’m lucky, a lot of the time he’ll just push me away. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk about it but he just says it’s work stress. Anyone had this before?

Ultimately you are not compatible. The psychology behind it, his role as CEO is irrelevant.
Some like sex daily and lots of intimacy, some are fine with a couple of times a week, a month or a yr. People need to talk about how important this part of a relationship is to them before venturing any further.

It never changes, i was married and divorced over this very issue, I let it pass initially but it became a big problem for both of us.

It’s just different to how it was at the start. I’m in love with him and I know he is in love with me. I think I have a problem communicating this problem with him. I want his attention and affection, is it me maybe expecting too much?

Op, if you genuinely think this is just a blip and about stress, then you should support him during this period and not mention it.

If it’s gotten to the stage he ignores you in bed and focuses on his phone because he’s scared you’ll want sex, it’s gone far too far already.

Leave him be till he gets through this stressful time.

However if you don’t think it’s that, and I’m not convinced you do think it’s that, because you’d have to be fairly selfish to be posting on here to try to get him to do it knowing it’s just stress and temporary,,,so if it’s not that, then either accept it, or end it, because he’s told you clearly he knows you want to have sex,he knows you’re unhappy about it. He is simply not willing to go there.

Has this been the majority of your relationship? It is starting to look like it might be.

He was on his best behaviour at the start. Now you are seeing who he really is. If this is what it’s like 9 months in then it’s not going to get any better for you.

And your continued assertion that everything is perfect is actually wrong isn’t it?. You are unable and unwilling to talk to him about this matter openly (maybe you are afraid of his reaction). There’s really about as much depth to your relationship as a puddle.

If you don't want to talk about the sex part, perhaps raise the phone in bed and no kiss goodnight. It's not putting stress on him to "perform" to say something about that.

Well obviously it is wrong, I’m asking for advice on how to approach this with him, as yes I am afraid of his reaction and I don’t want to make him feel worse about it or ruin what we actually do have.

Tonight, when he picks up the phone in bed, say something about it.

Screens before sleep are bad for sleep quality anyway.

Tell him during a quiet time for you both that you are unhappy with his lack of interaction with you when you go to bed.. Btw where does he see the two of you going forward, does he see you still living together in a years time?.

How does he feel about you really?. Are you his “she will do for now” woman?. If he truly loves you he will tell you why and otherwise go all out to address this properly rather than beat around the bush.

We’ve talked about living together in the future. We are serious

You seem more serious about him than he is. How do you see your relationship panning out going forward if you, at this early stage in, cannot talk openly if at all to each other about the elephant in the living room?

If your relationship is that fragile that you think you can ruin things between you by expressing unhappiness about these nighttime behaviours, you've got nothing.

You are time wasting because time spent with him is missed time with someone who will actually cherish you and treat you with a bit of respect. He’s happy to lie back and take a blowjob off you, selfishly, with no intention of returning the favour. He’s a user.

It sounds like you’re in awe of his ‘CEO’ title and missing out on the bigger picture of a happy, satisfying partnership. It shouldn’t be like this at 9 months in, and it won’t get any better.

Op there is no point is there? He is telling you everything you need to know by his actions, not words.

The question is, can you accept him for who he is now and what he brings to hour relationship now?

If you make the lack of sex an issue you will drive him away. Is that what you want?

He sounds very good at telling you what he thinks you want to hear. Words without actions are empty.

Is it worth pursuing this knowing it will lead to nowhere?

I think you need to take sex off the menu completely and as he doesn't want to pleasure you in any shape or form just leave it. No one is going to come out of this happy. You knowing he had to be forced to give you affection and he for you highlighting something he doesn't want to acknowledge to you or to himself.

@Aloe6 I’m in a similar job, it doesn’t impress me and it’s certainly not why I’m with him. I love his ambition, but because it’s similar to mine.

"He loves talking dirty, he will tease me in a really hot way, and make comments about what he wants us to do when we get home etc (if we’re out)."

So he's only sexual when there's no chance he'll actually be expected to follow though on it?
When he does this talking dirty to you in public, how do you react? Do you start giving him loads of attention, give compliments, give extra attendance and fuss because hes dangling this prize in front of you that you know he wants?

People do what they do because it gets them what they want, he sounds like he doesnt actually care about the sex at all because he's getting more of what he wants by NOT giving it to you so you try harder to please him.

That all seems a like a lot of effort for a man to do?

You are making all the effort Op. He is doing non.
This will how it will be.

well it doesn't matter that he keeps telling you what he wants to do with you, he doesn't ever do it.

It sounds to me as though he has an ED issue and doesn't have sex because of that. he's avoiding it.

Whatever, I think it isn't a small issue. I couldn't be with someone who didn't want sex with me ever. And the talking about it would just irritate me quite frankly. if I were you, I'd lay my cards down on the table. Find out what's really the issue, and don't be fobbed off by him telling you you're beautiful. And stop giving him blow jobs!

OP my ex was the same. Blissful at the start then quickly went to once a week, once every fortnight, once a month if that. It. Won't. Change. You're a companion to him, not a partner. You have no intimate relationship. Talking to him any which way won't help, he either wants to have sex, specifically with you or he doesn't. His actions say he doesn't. I know you want a different answer but there isn't one. I know also how hard it is to get your head round when everything else seems good. The fact is he's not interested in the sexual act with you. Please, honestly, believe this will be your life unless you split. If you like sex don't do that to yourself!!

He loves talking dirty, he will tease me in a really hot way, and make comments about what he wants us to do when we get home etc (if we’re out). So I know he has it in him? He just seems incapable of acting on it, scared of not performing maybe? Doesn’t know how to make a move

I’m starting to wonder about this thread. Firstly you had a lot of sex when you first met you said, so you know he is capable. Secondly, as you apparantly had a lot of sex when you just met, he’s clearly not incapable of acting on it, nor is he scared of not performing and he clearly knows how to make a move.

In addition you make moves on him. He refuses. Occasionally allowing you to give him a blow job.

These statements would only make sense if he’s never really been physically interested in you at all. You’ve only been together nine months.

Your thread is starting to make no sense. Why would you ask things like he doesn’t know how to make a move when you’re trying it with him and he’s saying no, when apparantly you had a lot of sex at the beginning.?

As for him taking dirty to you when he’s not going to be requested to act on it, and doing so in a safe public place, But he’s not doing it in private when he could be being seen as starting something, then you can’t read anything into that other than he’s messing with your head.

Op I have a friend exactly like this. In fact except for a few details, I wonder if he is the man you are talking about.
The post is so identical that I have put off replying for the last two days as I wanted to watch how it developed.

My friend is asexual.
Every girlfriend and there have only been a few in the previous ten years, he has had this exact experience.
He lured them in by having decent sexual experiences a the beginning , gradually decreasing until his girlfriends leave him or he can't tolerate the sexual pressure anymore He does exactly what you have said. Promises them sex, sexy talk, bombards with compliments, is a wonderful companion and the list goes on. He has no interest in sex or in women's bodies but loves women.
He wants so much to have a relationship with a woman but an asexual one. His girlfriend's usually have had dysfunctionalmrelationships in their past and because of the constant sexual rejection/ ignoring , they become desperate/ clingy/ needy. It is almost like he knows that a woman who is sexual and has strong boundaries and expectations of a relationship will not tolerate his rejection of them.
His past girlfriend's who have stuck around longer than three months had seriously sad or bad relationships previously as does his current one. Each of them.
He is never really happy either as he settles for those that accept him.
He keeps them close to him through promises and treats them like queens in other areas.
He has an excuse to get out of sexual interaction every time. Stress, work, family issues, sport, hunger. The list is endless.

He too doesn't want children and the latest girlfriend adores kids and always wanted them but has now said that she doesn't want them either, to appease him ,I'm pretty sure.
They change their appearance for him. They hang on his every world and make themselves available to him whenever he is free.
He has said that he finds women attractive but not sexually.

I hope I am wrong but this sounds too eerily like your story in 95% of your recent posts.
Good luck OP.

greenbouncyball Why though does he put himself and women through this - unless he is just an abusive misogynist - getting pleasure demolishing his GFs self esteem.

There must be some website / community for asexuals - then he could find someone compatible. Unless he is in denial?

He is a really lovely person. I think he convinced himself that he can convince his partners that a relationship without sex is possible.
His current one will last for a few years I'm guessing. His needs are being met and she has accepted his sexual disinterest in her.. for now.
What is awful is that her pleasure or sexual happiness doesn't matter. He doesn't attend to her needs in any way even if he doesn't have to be sexual her and an open relationship is not an option for him.

he doesn't sound lovely Greenbouncyball.