I feel lonely, he ignores me when we go to bed

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Hi all. Hope everyone is okay!
I’ve been dating someone for about 9 months now. I’m in love, I think he is with me. We get on so well, and 99% of the time I am so happy. However... every night we get into bed. I’m always in before him, he climbs in next to me and straight away picks up his phone. He can be on it for a good one-two hours before putting it down and going to sleep. He isn’t even on any form of social media. He’ll just be looking at the news or looking at cars or something random. When he’s done, he puts it down and goes to sleep. No ‘goodnight’ or a kiss or even any sort of effort towards me. We wake up, and the same thing happens in reverse (less amount of time on his phone as we are generally getting up for work). At a weekend, I lie there in the morning thinking ‘he’ll roll over in a minute and want to have sex or something’ and instead he’ll just say ‘right, is it time we got up?’. I’m exhausted by it. I lie in bed wanting to sleep with him, or just have an ounce of romance, and it’s just none existent. He has a stressful job, and I fully appreciate that it will of course change how we are in the bedroom. But there isn’t even an ounce of effort there. If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob. That’s if I’m lucky, a lot of the time he’ll just push me away. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk about it but he just says it’s work stress. Anyone had this before?

It’s not like he doesn’t want me? We have gorgeous romantic evenings. He transformed my flat into our favourite pub tonight as we’re on lockdown! It’s lovely. My problem is so small in the grand scheme of things, but such a big one in the romantic side of our relationship

No, it's not small. If a relationship were a building, sex is one of the structural joists.

It just never happens. It must happen once every 2-3 weeks?
See, I think this is a contradiction. It is actually happening but not as much as you’d like. I think you might just have different sex drives. For some people, once every two to three weeks is enough.

Sex isn't a small thing.
But I get it, the rest of the relationship is lovely, and you don't want to face breaking up over sex. In that case you need to accept that he's not that into sex and it's just not going to happen all that much. It will probably get less and less frequent to the point you never do it. Can you accept that?

Sex can be a small thing if both people don’t want sex.

However your relationship without it, is basically friendship, companionship, and emotional love.

And that’s perfectly fine if that’s what you want. The issue becomes when you don’t want a relationship that’s effectively a friendship. Which this is. You’re basically best friends. Partners, but not physically.

Speaking to him about it is difficult, for the simple reason that you don’t want him to feel forced to have sex with you. To feel he has to or loose the relationship/friendship. That will never work long term. He’s not going to spend his life having sex with you when he does not wish to, and I assume you’d not want that either.

The basic issue here is he doesn’t want to. If he did, he’d have sex with you.

Not wishing kids takes the pressure off him to ever have to have sex with you repeatedly in a given period when he would rather not.

As said, I’m not sure speaking to him is the answer. It’s not going to make him suddenly want to jump you.

I fundamentally agree with you, it’s a small thing in a relationship that is simply a loving companionship. It’s a very big thing if it’s a romantic and physical relationship.

You need to decide if you’re ok with what will eventually be a sexless relationship. One with love, affection, maybe even cuddles, hand holding etc, but no sex.

At 9 months in, sex every fortnight is poor. They've just moved in together, he plays on his phone and goes to sleep without even acknowledging her or kissing her goodnight.

It bothers her. This is the time in a relationship most people can't keep their hands off each other.

"Just" having very different sex drives doesn't work for most people long term. It's an incompatibility to take notice of.

It’s not just the lack of sex though is it. Why is he lying in bed with you for two hours with no engagement, assume no cuddling or chatting, and just playing on his phone?

Category12 - Yes, I agree. I didn’t mean ‘just’ in that sense.

Wakeuosunshine- if he keeps studiously looking at his phone there wont be a moment where the OP might snuggle up with an expectation of sex, I think. He’s stopping the subject coming up.

It’s not small or unimportant though. Sex is a huge part of a relationship, without it you’re just friends.

Hi OP. I was married to a man for 8 years who was like this. He confused me as he was a bit of a lad who'd had quite a few sexual partners yet he never wanted sex with me except probably once every 2 months and it would take me by surprise, be over in ten minutes and that would be that. He would also come to bed with the ipad and read about golf clubs for an hour before turning off the light and going to sleep. At the beginning of the relationship I thought it would improve. We talked about it everal times and he promised to "try more" (wtf?) but nothing changed. I too thought he was gay. Then I started to think I was unattractive and it knocked my self-esteem big time. In the end, he left me and moved straight in with another woman to add even more insult to injury. If it has any relevance, I am 11 years older than him and the woman he left me for (and is still with now) is 8 years older. I will never know why he was like that but what I do know is that it was nothing I had done or the way I was. I've had a couple of very loving and 'normal' sexual relationships since which has restored my self esteem. Please dont stay with him OP, you deserve so much more X

@Legallybleachblonde think we were with the same man! 😆
I too ended the relationship. Absolutely messed with my mental health

We’ve just woken up, I had to get up straight away to work from home and I slept in a little. As soon as I came out of the shower he was all ‘you are SO beautiful, it’s ridiculous!’ So it’s not like he’s not into me.

Someone can appreciate beauty and not be physically attracted. Like I can appreciate a woman but I don't want to shag her.

And he's saying it at a time when there's no opportunity to act on it.

Or did he try it on? After all, quickie in the morning you could probably get away with, wfh.

Maybe that is him trying it on? He loves talking dirty, he will tease me in a really hot way, and make comments about what he wants us to do when we get home etc (if we’re out). So I know he has it in him? He just seems incapable of acting on it, scared of not performing maybe? Doesn’t know how to make a move? That would explain why he’s on his phone, avoiding the confrontation of actually having to make a move

So ask him. He's right there.

Wonder if he's putting as much thought into this as the OP or sees it as a problem.

Look he’s actually being cruel isn’t he. Sex is only on HIS terms, when he wants it.
He had a clear opportunity to jump your bones then but he didn’t.
You said he identified previously he didn’t return the favour after you giving him a blow job. Has he since this time returned the favour.
Ignore posters saying he doesn’t fancy you. He has other issues going on.
Do you see what he’s watching on his phone. Is he viewing porn at all.
You really need to let him go.
You aren’t really listening to the very wise posters on here.
People have been where you are - it didn’t change.
Does he not wake up with an erection?
He may have a low sex drive, be gay, have some odd issues about women or there mothers, who knows, but you need to fine, but talk about this issue with him.
He can promise for years to change. Please don’t waste your life with him.

But how do I approach this with him?

You’ve already raised it with him and he’s heard you, enough to acknowledge the problem and pay lip service by making empty promises but not enough to actually change.

He’s not interested in changing the status quo and you need to decide if this is or isn’t, a deal breaker.

The balls in your court but the longer you go on accepting this, the more ingrained this behaviour becomes.

@lardass88 it's awful isn't it? Actually, it was torture at times, not to mention humiliating. It's not even something you can talk to your friends or family about is it? OP, life's too short to be hanging around expecting him to change.

Saying ‘You’re so beautiful’ around the house is not the same as making an approach towards you is it? He is doing just enough for you to hang on in there with you thinking ‘he’s into you.’

He should be saying you’re beautiful when he’s lying next to you in bed at night or snuggling up to you in the mornings.

It is probably just a low sex drive. There are so many threads on here about men who are just not bothered about sex.

Is he a drinker?
Does he need to be drunk to have sex with you?

The flattering comments and the romantic stuff is really weird - sounds like he is throwing you a bone to distract you and keep you around.

Most romantic words / situations are a set up for sex. He is not being romantic here he is being devious trying to cover up his situation.

What’s his RS history. And why do neither of your want kids “ever”?

A RS is like a woven fabric - all elements overlap to build its strength, texture, uniqueness. The sex issue isn’t one that you can confine to the hours of 11pm to 7am - it it’s woven in the core of everything you feel all day long even if it is subconscious. It truly is the bedrock and glue that gives you reassurance and confidence in a RS. At best he is just a platonic friend - at worst (the reality) this dysfunctional RS is eating away at your self esteem.

You are not compatible. Mainly because there is some sort of power dynamic going on where you feel subservient and unable to openly discuss an issue in a calm, measured, equal and respectful way to reach a compromise.

Why can’t you do this? Have you been able to work through issues in RS in the past.

The “perfect rom-com” performance from him is fake.

The stressy job nonsense is also a control tactic and threat to keep you subdued as you are set up not to ask Qs etc. Sounds like he has you walking on eggs-shells.

He does have me walking on egg shells. We both just don’t want kids, we’ve had conversations about it, just something that I’ve never wanted. He does wake up with an erection, and he does enjoy porn, we’ve watched it together before and enjoyed it. The sex is brilliant when it happens, I just think he’s too occupied to be having it more than once every 2-3 weeks

What's his job?