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Original poster

I feel lonely, he ignores me when we go to bed

193 replies

Archinet · 02/04/2020 00:26

Hi all. Hope everyone is okay!
I’ve been dating someone for about 9 months now. I’m in love, I think he is with me. We get on so well, and 99% of the time I am so happy. However... every night we get into bed. I’m always in before him, he climbs in next to me and straight away picks up his phone. He can be on it for a good one-two hours before putting it down and going to sleep. He isn’t even on any form of social media. He’ll just be looking at the news or looking at cars or something random. When he’s done, he puts it down and goes to sleep. No ‘goodnight’ or a kiss or even any sort of effort towards me. We wake up, and the same thing happens in reverse (less amount of time on his phone as we are generally getting up for work). At a weekend, I lie there in the morning thinking ‘he’ll roll over in a minute and want to have sex or something’ and instead he’ll just say ‘right, is it time we got up?’. I’m exhausted by it. I lie in bed wanting to sleep with him, or just have an ounce of romance, and it’s just none existent. He has a stressful job, and I fully appreciate that it will of course change how we are in the bedroom. But there isn’t even an ounce of effort there. If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob. That’s if I’m lucky, a lot of the time he’ll just push me away. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk about it but he just says it’s work stress. Anyone had this before?

OP posts:
Goldenwrapper · 02/04/2020 11:15

If you are both at home could you try instigating sex during the day?

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 11:17

We both pay our way, in equally at his at times. We don’t financially depend on each other and are both open about money. He does his fair share, as do I. It’s very easy going. Like I’ve said, every aspect of our relationship is perfect except for this

OP posts:
Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 11:24

I’m also becoming horrendous at instigating it. I’m so scared of rejection

OP posts:
Goldenwrapper · 02/04/2020 11:41

Unfortunately if neither of instigate intimacy it wont happen... noone wants to feel rejected but it might be worth you trying to instigate sex during the day, as it might break this current no sex routine or allow for you to have an open discussion about the lack of sex

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 11:44

I suppose if I instigate it and get rejected then it opens it up for discussion. If he doesn’t understand where I’m coming from then we aren’t going to work together

OP posts:
Goldenwrapper · 02/04/2020 11:47

Make sure your feeling are heard and remember you deserve to be in a sexually fulfilling relationship. Dont settle. Good luck OP

CheddarGorgeous · 02/04/2020 11:56

If I was optimistic I'd start by saying that you should both leave your phones downstairs when you go to bed. Ask him to try it for a week.

But I think he's a lost cause. Selfish, lazy and phone addicted.

You could do so much better Thanks

UYScuti · 02/04/2020 12:11

A previous poster describe this man as a cock lodger but you're not getting any cock 😳

UYScuti · 02/04/2020 12:14

I'll make it up to you I promise
he's just fobbing you off he knows full well that he's taking the piss but he wants you to pleasure him sexually without him having to give you anything in return and he will continue to get away with this as long as you let him, relying on the embarrassment and awkwardness as a kind of cover.
my advice is to try and get past the embarrassment and just have a straight conversation with him, tell him that this just isn't working for you you that your needs are incompatible.
perhaps suggest that you stay as friends but have sexual relationships with other people?

CodenameVillanelle · 02/04/2020 12:38

I know it's a scary conversation to have because it could lead to a situation where you have to face possible breaking up. But you have to have it.
Just ask him. Is he happy with your sex life? Does he want it to be different?

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 12:44

Part of me genuinely thinks he doesn’t think of it as a bad thing, but then he’s 32, surely he wants sex?! And like I say, when we do have sex it’s AMAZING, arguably worth waiting for. But I’m feeling alone in this relationship, and it’s not nice

OP posts:
caringcarer · 02/04/2020 12:52

Stay with him if you want a sexless relationship. If he is worried about sex as ed ge could still give you oral sex and cuddles. He is being selfish and he knows it. There are chemist on line he could access ed help from. I would be moving on if it was me.

UYScuti · 02/04/2020 12:57

When we do have sex it's amazing
Sounds like he's using sex for leverage, he knows you want it badly and he's in control of it, he likes the feeling of power and the feeling of making you wait.

UYScuti · 02/04/2020 12:58

Whatever you decide to keep in mind that this probably will not get any better, he is a person who likes to have control over you and so he will use whatever he can to give him the feeling of control that he likes to have.

soannya · 02/04/2020 13:08

He’s just not that into you. Not really. He likes you but he doesn’t fancy the pants off you does he? My mate had a relationship like this for 10 years. Exactly like this. He’s a wonderful, affectionate, gorgeous man. He’s living with his boyfriend now. Just saying. You need to surely find somebody who wants to enjoy sex with you especially at your age!

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 14:01

Then why is he so into me at other times?

OP posts:
UYScuti · 02/04/2020 14:07

Because he has it exactly as he wants it, and he wants to keep you sweet

goody2shooz · 02/04/2020 14:09

Actions speak louder than words. He can say ‘oh I’m so sorry/selfish’ ‘oh you’re so so pretty/sexy’ etc very easily, but the bottom line is you are rejected and feel lonely in what should be a warm and loving relationship. He talks but never follows through. Your choice - but he is a liar.

Worriedaboutcovid19 · 02/04/2020 14:22

Id say there were 3 possibilities.

  1. Hes gay and in denial.
  1. He just doesn't fancy you but loves you as a person. Like a friend/sister. Maybe he fancied you and first but now the attractions gone. Hence why he avoids giving you oral and stuff (also maybe gay so avoiding vagina at all costs).
  1. Health/low testosterone/erectile dysfunction which hes ashamed of.

What sounds most likely op?

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 15:20

Well he’s certainly not gay, I think I would have known if he was... would I?
He’s really busy, he has a very successful job and works really hard. So I do also honestly think that if he wasn’t interested in me then he just wouldn’t be with me

OP posts:
AlexaCrowe · 02/04/2020 15:25

Not necessarily. I’m not saying he is gay but women have been married to gay men for years and not known that he’s gay.

mamato3lads · 02/04/2020 15:28

OP, I tolerate the exact same shit but have been with my husband for 18 years.

At the 9 month stage, we couldn't be in each other's company without wanting sex.

Somethings up

goldpartyhat · 02/04/2020 15:34

If it's this bad now what will it be like in a couple of years?

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 15:50

I love him, we never argue, we get on so well. I truly believe that he is just really stressed and it’s affecting our sexual activity. Surely that’s not a reason to break up with someone?

OP posts:
mamato3lads · 02/04/2020 15:58

No of course not, if he's willing to accept there is a problem and talk to you about it. Just leaving you hanging, wondering what's up isn't good.

Also....you lay in bed next to him, wanting se, waiting for him to make a move? Why dont YOU make a move....he may be thinking the same thing and you just laying there says to him you're not interested maybe....just a thought. Get him fired up, take the lead.....see what happens.