I feel lonely, he ignores me when we go to bed

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Hi all. Hope everyone is okay!
I’ve been dating someone for about 9 months now. I’m in love, I think he is with me. We get on so well, and 99% of the time I am so happy. However... every night we get into bed. I’m always in before him, he climbs in next to me and straight away picks up his phone. He can be on it for a good one-two hours before putting it down and going to sleep. He isn’t even on any form of social media. He’ll just be looking at the news or looking at cars or something random. When he’s done, he puts it down and goes to sleep. No ‘goodnight’ or a kiss or even any sort of effort towards me. We wake up, and the same thing happens in reverse (less amount of time on his phone as we are generally getting up for work). At a weekend, I lie there in the morning thinking ‘he’ll roll over in a minute and want to have sex or something’ and instead he’ll just say ‘right, is it time we got up?’. I’m exhausted by it. I lie in bed wanting to sleep with him, or just have an ounce of romance, and it’s just none existent. He has a stressful job, and I fully appreciate that it will of course change how we are in the bedroom. But there isn’t even an ounce of effort there. If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob. That’s if I’m lucky, a lot of the time he’ll just push me away. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk about it but he just says it’s work stress. Anyone had this before?

Could anyone else be getting it on the weeks you don't get it?

Reading your posts OP he sounds like the classic narcissist, deliberately toying with you and taunting you enjoying his power over you, he indulges you when it suits him and deprives you when he wants to make you suffer.
It's all about him, he's indulging himself you are a play thing for him.

Is he on anti-depressants?

He is a CEO. He doesn’t see anyone when I’m not there, I trust him. He isn’t on antidepressants. He smokes (not much, a couple of times a day) and he drinks as much as I do, which isn’t much.

I think this would be a good place for you to research people like your partner
narcsite.com/

‘People like your partner’ I’ve grown up with a narcissistic parent, my partner isn’t like that. We don’t have sex as much as I would like, I’m trying to ask how to go about approaching that with him. I love everything else about him, except how much we have sex.

Is it is own business? Is the business in trouble (pre CV)? What’s the nature of his work?

Yes it is his own. It is not in trouble, but obviously he has a lot of responsibility. He is very open with me about it and we support each other when it comes to our jobs.

In that case, it's most likely that he just has a low sex drive and this is as good as it gets.

You are with someone who is turned off by a woman making demands of this nature. More men are like this than you think. Your needs won't have crossed his mind and his silence on the matter shouts out that he does not wish to satisfy you sexually and never will. You can not coerce a man who has no sex drive for you to pretend so please don't humiliate yourself trying.

Just look at the many other threads on the subject here and everywhere else, either widespread porn has killed off 70% of men's sex drives. Those who have any are the minority. Women who are sexually satisfied by their partners are probably in the 0.01 % category as most men who are sexual are only interested in their own satisfaction.

Those women who have thoughtful and caring sexual partners are extremely lucky and so hold on to them because they are rarer than you think.

We had a conversation about it ages ago, because he had a very high sex drive when we first met. He has since said that he is under stress at work and he struggles to perform when this is the case. My problem is how to approach this with him.

I don’t understand...if his not affectionate towards you; why don’t you tell him what you want instead of us in here OP x

Tell him again what you want and if it doesn’t change enough to make you happy then move on. After all it’s still early days....

So you got your answer. CEO s are always under stress at work so that is your trade off. A lovely life if you have it in exchange for a rampant and satisfying sex life. Plenty of women are happy with that trade off especially once the rampant sex side of life before DC were born is over.

Many women are happy to relinquish the sex life once they have DC and a lovely home and lifestyle.

It sounds as if your bf has gone straight to stage 3 so that makes you a comfortable house mate and might not lead to DC.

Depends what is most important to you op

What’s his RS history?

What’s happened specifically with his job to increase his stress recently - if he wasn’t stressed before? Is that job stress incident likely to resolve?

How has this job stress impacted the rest of his life? Is he drinking more? Depressed? Withdrawing socially? Easily agitated?

Or is it just impacting his sex life?

He was with someone for quite a while. They broke up about 18 months before we met.

He talks about it openly, we have lovely evenings to relax after work and distract ourselves. Like I’ve said, everything is perfect. We just don’t sleep together and I feel like it is his fear of under performing

The early high sex drive was probably the novelty of the new relationship and was most likely aberrant for him, rather than this lull being the aberration.

None of it explains why he's sitting on his phone at night and then straight to sleep instead of at least a kiss goodnight. I mean, you don't try to rape him if he so much as touches you, I'm presuming?

Of course I don’t. I just wonder whether he knows he won’t be able to perform, so by being on his phone and ignoring me he won’t have the pressure of sex

Sounds like you know why now. Anyway, you can't have everything so if it's not what you can live with then move on and not in a few years when your fertility has decreased and you have wasted your life hoping he'll change. It won't. Or it will do is make it worse by highlighting it with him.

Men don't go to the drs over something like this even if their partner asks them to. They'd rather ignore the issue rather than go, and hope you ignore it too. Dents their ego.

If my DP told me he was stressed and this manifested itself in a complete change in behaviour, I would be worried about his stress and MH. This is what we would be talking about. He would be the same with me. I cannot imagine either of us being worried about how much sex we were having.

But you don’t really believe he has lost his libido due to stress. Because you don’t really know him or how to approach this subject with him. On the surface both of you can talk up this relationship as much as you want. But there is no real depth to it. That’s why you posts are so contrary and contradictory.

You talk about how great it is, but say you are lonely and walking on eggs shells. These are your own words. You don’t know how to speak to him about a health concern and can only frame that in how it impacts on you.

Have you tried to initiate sex during one of your 'romantic evenings' instead of waiting until you go to bed?
Surely he could spend time on his phone relaxing on an evening instead of spending hours on there in bed.
Have you asked him to put his phone away whilst in bed?
It just seems like you are now afraid to raise any issues (and by that I don't mean you are scared if him just can't bring yourself to have the discussion)
He seems either like a massive tease, saying how beautiful you are and saying what he would like to do to you or he genuinely has ED issues.
Either way it is very unfair to let you give him a BJ and not reciprocate. That's just taking the piss in my book.

I appreciate what you’re saying about fertility, but I don’t want children. I’m really happy with him (except for this), so I don’t see it as time wastinf

*wasting