I feel lonely, he ignores me when we go to bed

[Archinet]

Hi all. Hope everyone is okay!
I’ve been dating someone for about 9 months now. I’m in love, I think he is with me. We get on so well, and 99% of the time I am so happy. However... every night we get into bed. I’m always in before him, he climbs in next to me and straight away picks up his phone. He can be on it for a good one-two hours before putting it down and going to sleep. He isn’t even on any form of social media. He’ll just be looking at the news or looking at cars or something random. When he’s done, he puts it down and goes to sleep. No ‘goodnight’ or a kiss or even any sort of effort towards me. We wake up, and the same thing happens in reverse (less amount of time on his phone as we are generally getting up for work). At a weekend, I lie there in the morning thinking ‘he’ll roll over in a minute and want to have sex or something’ and instead he’ll just say ‘right, is it time we got up?’. I’m exhausted by it. I lie in bed wanting to sleep with him, or just have an ounce of romance, and it’s just none existent. He has a stressful job, and I fully appreciate that it will of course change how we are in the bedroom. But there isn’t even an ounce of effort there. If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob. That’s if I’m lucky, a lot of the time he’ll just push me away. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk about it but he just says it’s work stress. Anyone had this before?

You are mistaken - he is not “a really lovely person”.

He is manipulative, controlling and abusive.

If I didn’t like cake I wouldn’t stop my DP having cake ... he’s not indifferent to sex - he uses it to control and denigrate.

As if you're all acting like you know her friend better than she does, behave!!

Just be sure, when you say "he can't finish" do you mean he can't get an erection or he can't climax/ejaculate? Completely different issues.

Sorry: to be sure

Sorry again! I'm out of practice at this sort of thing. I posted after only reading the first page.

greenbouncyball your account is very interesting! You say he's a lovely person but when I read what you wrote I felt as if he is some variety of vampire:(

Oh god no a sexless relationship is soul destroying

It won’t get better

He too doesn't want children and the latest girlfriend adores kids and always wanted them but has now said that she doesn't want them either, to appease him
he's a cheat, a liar and a thief, he is stealing their futures from them just so he can have what he wants, wearing a mask pretending to be something he isnt just to get what he wants, a fraudster

I think greenbouncyball's friend is probably a lovely friend, but a horrorshow as a boyfriend. There's a disconnect inside him somewhere.

@Archinet compliments and positive comments are useless if he’s not doing anything about it...
I.e You’re beautiful and I want to rip your clothes of right now...
Or
You’re beautiful, what do you fancy for lunch?

He’s talking the talk.....but....

That is exactly who he is @category12 .
She has accepted his asexuality now .

I think with all the dirty talk he’s just telling you what you want to hear. I don’t think he fancies you op. He might think you’re wonderful and beautiful and he wants to want you but he just doesn’t. You’re only 9 months in, it’s every 2-3 weeks now in a year or two it’ll be even less until you wind up finding yourself in a sexless relationship. He doesn’t want to have sex with you, you can’t force that.

He can’t finish. He has no problem getting it up

does he have any hot friends?

@UYScuti why?

@FlowerArranger

‘Cocklodger’. Haha, brilliant!

The stress from work argument is bit of a non-starter. You describe there being a couple of hours of phone time, in bed, before he sleeps. There is, then, clearly enough hours in the day. It’s how he chooses to spend these hours that is the issue. Phone addiction is a very real problem, and this could be the issue you might want to tackle.
One suggestion would be to keep the phones out of the bedroom, at a minimum. Better yet is to have a cut-off time each evening where the phones get put away until a set time the next morning. This is a very difficult habit to introduce, likely for the very vast majority of people, which in itself indicates the scale of the problem. The benefits are wide ranging but include less stress and in turn increased sex drive. A good place to start maybe?

Thank you for posting this. I realize it is from a few years ago, but it is so validating as the same exact thing is happening in my relationship and you describe the way I feel so well
I don't know what to do.