I feel lonely, he ignores me when we go to bed

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Hi all. Hope everyone is okay!
I’ve been dating someone for about 9 months now. I’m in love, I think he is with me. We get on so well, and 99% of the time I am so happy. However... every night we get into bed. I’m always in before him, he climbs in next to me and straight away picks up his phone. He can be on it for a good one-two hours before putting it down and going to sleep. He isn’t even on any form of social media. He’ll just be looking at the news or looking at cars or something random. When he’s done, he puts it down and goes to sleep. No ‘goodnight’ or a kiss or even any sort of effort towards me. We wake up, and the same thing happens in reverse (less amount of time on his phone as we are generally getting up for work). At a weekend, I lie there in the morning thinking ‘he’ll roll over in a minute and want to have sex or something’ and instead he’ll just say ‘right, is it time we got up?’. I’m exhausted by it. I lie in bed wanting to sleep with him, or just have an ounce of romance, and it’s just none existent. He has a stressful job, and I fully appreciate that it will of course change how we are in the bedroom. But there isn’t even an ounce of effort there. If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob. That’s if I’m lucky, a lot of the time he’ll just push me away. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk about it but he just says it’s work stress. Anyone had this before?

Op, how long has this been going on? You’ve only been together nine months, it’s still a new relationship. You should still be ripping each other’s clothes off. I’m not sure what he does where you keep going on about how important and big his job is, but most successful men I’ve met shag like rabbits. Thirty two year olds with major jobs tend to fall into that category unless something is amiss.

His text saying ‘I’m so sorry. That was so selfish of me when I know how much you wanted it back. I’ll make it up to you I promise“

Is a real red flag. That means he lay there knowing you wanted it but he didn’t want to so much he chose not to and then texted an apology later. I’m guessing he also didn’t make it up to you. Whatever that means. A pity fuck?

I also don’t understand why you keep excusing it, but it does read like you’re very impressed by what he does for a living.

You're desperate to believe it's just work stress. Why haven't you actually asked him why he doesn't want to bang your brains out on a regular basis?

I’m not impressed at all. I have a busy job too, we don’t want family in the future and are both workaholics, it doesn’t mean it’s right for it to be like this. I think it’s something that I need to ask him

I love him, we never argue, we get on so well

Does he love you though?

On what basis do you get on so well? Is it a truly equal partnership or are there signs of controlling behaviour? Could his lack of affection and rejection be deliberate, i.e. a means of controlling you?

I’ve never sensed that he’s controlling. Not in any other way. We get on, I absolutely love spending time with him, I’ve never met anyone like him and he says that about me. We just don’t have sex?

Sex is the glue in an LTR, it keeps you together when everything else is falling apart. Take it from me, been with my DW for 30 years, if you are having problems after only 9 months that is really not a good sign. Read some of the threads on here from people in relationships where their libido is very different from their partner's - they can be pretty grim.

Everything's brilliant apart from the massive sexual incompatibility.

Well of course you get on well OP, you avoid upsetting him.

See how well you get along after you have a proper talk about sex.

if he wasn’t interested in me then he just wouldn’t be with me
he wants to be with you but only on his terms, he doesnt want to make any compromises, instead he expects you to bend to him.

Sex is the glue that keeps a marriage together. This bloke would make a super friend, but he is not your life partner.

OP... as much as you might not want to, I think you will have to open up a conversation with him about this. Wait until you are both chilled and you're not lying in bed frustrated. I think I would get straight to the point, and say that at this stage in the relationship you'd expect things to be a bit more passionate. Ask him whether there's anything bothering him in your sex life. And then leave it - if things don't improve I wouldn't stay, personally. I've been with a man who was always rejecting sex, and I know myself: I like sex and want a man who is sexual.

You are quite vague on the details: have you tried to have a serious conversation about this? That should be your first port of call.

“This is not working for me. You let me give you blowjobs but don’t reciprocate. You don’t want sex often enough” etc etc.

I have had 2 experiences like this. One where the sex started off frequent and ended up 4 times a YEAR. Horrendous.

Then my DH. Best sex of my life. But my god, was he selfish in the beginning! Plenty of waking me up in the night, receiving a handjob (I assumed foreplay!) then going to fucking sleep. Words were had. The situation drastically improved. Sometimes, when he is working very hard, sex goes out the window for a while. If the job is exhausting mentally it can happen. But when it’s happening it should benefit you too. You need to address this, ASAP.

Just talk to him OP. Honestly you will not know the true depth of his feelings until you put this on the table and be really honest. You get on well, great. I get on well with a lot of people, doesn't mean I want them as my life partner. Sexual compatibility is hugely important at all stages, but at 9 months it shouldn't even be a question in my opinion.

You get on well because you don't question him, you're not demanding anything. Challenge that and see what happens.

Good luck x

Leave and don’t look back.

Look, there are a lot of people in your position and some are way further down the line than you. Years down. And when you read, you very rarely get posters telling OP that it improved for them. What happens is it becomes very awkward to talk about. One person is unhappy, but makes excuses for why the other doesn't want sex. One person is perfectly happy not having sex, or only having it when they want. These things in my experience rarely resolve themselves.
What you need to decide is this, are you happy to continue for years like this, all the while dying a little bit inside as the months and years pass.

I need to have the conversation with him, I’m just scared that my emotions are further into this than they were at first, it’s a massive problem to me because it’s been building up. I need to keep it calm and just talk it out

9 months? That should be your honeymoon period!!

Talk to him. If things don't change, dump him!

Talk is cheap! Look at what he dit's, not what he says..

Also, age? My 55-yo husband is up for sex every day and we have been together 25 years! Lack of sex odd not always linked to age 🙄

in fact, I'd say more was linked to being obsessed by secrets!

Does

Sounds like my ex husband. Fucking depressing. My self esteem and mental health both took a battering.
I'm still not fully recovered seven years later.

I'd say more was linked to being obsessed by phones

I'd just add, Ince we split I've had a few relationships where sex was very high on the agenda. I've thrown myself into it wholeheartedly and each time I've ended up being very hurt by people who have most likely got sex obsessions. I think I've ended up with them because of my need to be found attractive and sexy again without actually ever healing from the hurt of my marriage. I have been very vulnerable and I really want to take time out of the whole process now.

@tenlittlecygnets all the dysfunctional relationships I've had the last decade or so have been with people obsessed by their phones.
It transpired that my supposedly asexual /low sex drive ex h actually had a huge porn habit.

I haven’t read every post..
I had an ex who literally never wanted sex with me. Wouldn’t kiss me. Wouldn’t live with me (in theory - I wasn’t interested but he made the point).
Wanted me to wank him off lots, or seemed to.
Boring fucker.
When I started with my (now DH) a few months later it took me three years to stop having sex 2-3 times a day (I know I might be odd here).
And DH is faaaaaar from good (not sex wise) now.
But look - for fuck sake you have one life.
If he’s that stressed just be friends.
You are getting nothing from him that you wouldn’t if you were friends.
Go out and get a good ride!

all the dysfunctional relationships I've had the last decade or so have been with people obsessed by their phones.

I can imagine!!