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Original poster

I feel lonely, he ignores me when we go to bed

193 replies

Archinet · 02/04/2020 00:26

Hi all. Hope everyone is okay!
I’ve been dating someone for about 9 months now. I’m in love, I think he is with me. We get on so well, and 99% of the time I am so happy. However... every night we get into bed. I’m always in before him, he climbs in next to me and straight away picks up his phone. He can be on it for a good one-two hours before putting it down and going to sleep. He isn’t even on any form of social media. He’ll just be looking at the news or looking at cars or something random. When he’s done, he puts it down and goes to sleep. No ‘goodnight’ or a kiss or even any sort of effort towards me. We wake up, and the same thing happens in reverse (less amount of time on his phone as we are generally getting up for work). At a weekend, I lie there in the morning thinking ‘he’ll roll over in a minute and want to have sex or something’ and instead he’ll just say ‘right, is it time we got up?’. I’m exhausted by it. I lie in bed wanting to sleep with him, or just have an ounce of romance, and it’s just none existent. He has a stressful job, and I fully appreciate that it will of course change how we are in the bedroom. But there isn’t even an ounce of effort there. If I make the effort, he’ll maybe want a blowjob. That’s if I’m lucky, a lot of the time he’ll just push me away. I don’t know what to do. I’ve tried to talk about it but he just says it’s work stress. Anyone had this before?

OP posts:
smiften · 02/04/2020 09:02

You're wasting your time OP. Surely you can see that.

PolloDePrimavera · 02/04/2020 09:13

OP just no. And you shouldn't be visiting, you should be living together or not at all. But still, just no. I'm sure he's lovely etc etc but clearly something isn't right. He may be depressed, he may be stressed. But you feeling lucky for giving him a blow job is frankly demeaning.
If you want to sit on the fence, tell him you should be apart for the duration of lockdown (!) , not going back and forth and then you could reassess.

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 09:16

Can I clarify, since the lockdown we have been living together. We don’t live together but we’ve been in isolation at mine for two weeks now

OP posts:
Mistymonday · 02/04/2020 09:18

Mine does this too! I am 99% sure he has ASD, so he doesn't get why it makes me upset. He doesn’t enjoy cuddling etc.

BelleSausage · 02/04/2020 09:22

It sounds like he is both addicted to his phone and is using it as a coping strategy to deal with stress.

DH does this bit he knows he does it and we have a policy of no tech upstairs. All phone are plugged in downstairs over night so that we are actually cuddling in bed and going to sleep at the same time.

We have both discussed our phone addiction recently and are taking steps. He needs to find another outlet for his stress or his sexual distinction won’t get better.

Isitsixoclockalready · 02/04/2020 09:23

It's clearly not a tenable situation. Why not talk to him and make him understand that it's not just an upsetting/frustrating situation but it's actually making you question whether it's going to last. Then, if he still refuses to change you know you won't have any regrets.

pinkyredrose · 02/04/2020 09:34

Why don't you tell him to go home? This relationship isn't making you happy.

LemonTT · 02/04/2020 09:38

Why, if you had these problems, did you decide to live together. The virus should not have made that decision for you. It should have been when the relationship was a strong committed one, that makes you happy and stronger. This doesn’t.

For all we speculate about his problems, why did you want to live with someone who makes you feel low?

When we commit, we have got to take the whole package. That’s what your decision should be based on. Not just cherry picking the best bits and thinking the rest will go away. It doesn’t.

The whole relationship sounds rushed and in my mind is a case of falling for the idea of loving relationship rather than the actual person. Fact is, he exists and the loving relationship you want doesn’t.

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 09:49

I didn’t rush to move in with him. We spend most of our time between each other’s places, so when the lockdown occurred it seemed like the obvious thing to do. And I love spending time with him. As I have said, everything about my relationship with him is perfect until we get into bed. I don’t know how to approach that subject, and I don’t know if I’m being too harsh on him about it. These feelings have been brewing up inside me. And also, as much as I agree about the no phones in bed thing, I don’t want to force this. Our relationship has always been so natural and easy. We’re both easy going. It’s just this thing! It’s a massive elephant in the room (for me anyway)

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/04/2020 09:51

You may as well just be friends or flatmates

Why do you feel lucky to give him a blowjob? Does he return the favour at all?

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 09:53

He never returns the favour. It’s not that I feel ‘lucky’. I just get so excited that he finally wants to do something! And then when it’s over I just go back to feeling miserable in bed again.

OP posts:
Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 10:00

I’m completely sticking up for him here too. Forever making excuses about it Sad

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 02/04/2020 10:01

He never makes you cum?
This is enough to break up over

Have you had a proper conversation about it? Would he be open to sex therapy when we're all allowed outside again? Might even be some online

BubblyBarbara · 02/04/2020 10:02

Half of you are talking as if we're not in the middle of a stressful global pandemic. There's a lot of good advice for normal times but I think you're going to have to give a little slack here if you want this relationship to survive. The sex thread in AIBU illustrates very few people are really interested in sex right now.

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 10:02

When we first met he did, regularly. When we actually have sex it’s BRILLIANT. It just never happens. It must happen once every 2-3 weeks? And even then I think it’s probably that he’s absolutely desperate for it because it’s been so long!

OP posts:
Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 10:04

This was happening before the pandemic. We’ve both been able to keep our jobs and work from home. We’ve been very lucky despite the global problem.

OP posts:
AlexaCrowe · 02/04/2020 10:14

For all the people saying give him a. Break he’s stressed/if he’s had issues finishing he’s probably scared to have sex - he’s not too stressed and scared for the occasional blowjob... just too scared and stressed to give the OP any orgasms!

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 10:18

But how do I approach this with him? I don’t want to make it worse. If I go in all upset or moaning then it’ll only make it worse and put pressure on!

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 02/04/2020 10:18

If the genders were reversed the responses would be very different I guarantee it.

Anyway...you have to decide if you want to remain and invest any more time in the relationship.

If his job is stressful that won't change, unless he gets a new job...that wouldn't be wise at the moment.

In addition to this...he is more concerned about his own pleasure and leaves you high and dry. That's nothing to do with stress...it's selfishness. Pure and simple....you need to see it for what it is.

Some men know they aren't great performers, but they make sure their partner still receives sexual pleasure in other ways. He can't be arsed...what does that tell you.

Don't waste 10 years of your life with him like a pp. Time is the one thing you never get back.

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 10:24

I’ve had a situation before when I have given him a blow job in the morning, we’ve gone off to work and I’ve had a text from him saying ‘I’m so sorry. That was so selfish of me when I know how much you wanted it back. I’ll make it up to you I promise’.... so he must recognise it?

OP posts:
Sunshineandflipflops · 02/04/2020 10:43

To be fair, regarding living together, I never intended to live with my BFF of 7 months but he was here for a few days when lockdown was announced so he had to stay as he couldn't then get a train home. He has now been here over 2 weeks and could be here a considerable time longer but definitely will be going home when he can as I miss my space and I'm pretty sure he does too!

Regarding his job being stressful...so are a lot of people's but they still manage to not ,are their partner feel unwanted in bed. BoJo clearly still manages is going by his pregnant gf and I'd say he has one of the most stressful jobs out there!

I hope you can sort things but I certainly wouldn't be offering or giving blowjobs while you are getting nothing in return.

Sunshineandflipflops · 02/04/2020 10:44

*BF, not BFF!

RoLaren · 02/04/2020 11:02

Another thought - have you discussed having children at all? He may absolutely not want them at this time, and no contraception is 100%.

Original poster
Archinet · 02/04/2020 11:10

Neither of us want children, ever

OP posts:
FlowerArranger · 02/04/2020 11:15

For me, all this (worrying about his stress at work, how to sensitively address his ED, putting up with lack of affection...) would be too much work for such a brief relationship.

By the way, where is he staying now, during lockdown?

Another thought occurred to me: while he is staying with you 5 or whatever nights a week, does he pay his way? Not just financial contributions for food, toiletries, utilities, but doing his share of cooking, cleaning, laundry etc?